Being a Parent is Hard!

My wife said to me on Sunday night, “I thought this parenting was supposed to get easier”. This came soon after we realised that things were not going so well for our 20 year-old and in fact we had been worrying about him for a number of months for a variety of unrelated reasons.

Then on Monday morning, I received two separate emails from friends who I have dealt with over the years through the magazine. Both were speaking of about some tough situations related to their two 18 old sons. One spoke of her 18 year-old son who is now with her ex and is not wanting to communicate at all with her since she and her husband moved away.

We are quickly reminded that this is all part of life's journey. So many will say that they, as parents, have experienced these situations over the years. It doesn't make it less painful to know that others are experiencing the same, but it does give some solace to know that you are not alone.

Whether you're dealing with a toddler or a teen, and I suspect those in between and beyond, you never really stop worrying as a parent. You are able to let go in some situations as they get older and your relationship changes but you are still the parent.

Nobody said parenting was easy and each child doesn't come with a manual. We just have to do our best and try remember we're not in this alone.

It is good to be able to talk to others about your experiences because, as I have said, you are not alone.

Kids and Sports

On today's radio show Allison and I spoke with Alan Poole about Kids and Sport and how we as parents can support our kids. Alan works with athletes at Camosun College but is also a parent of a 12 year old son and 15 year old daughter both of whom are involved in sports.

It was an interesting discussion that touched upon over-involved parents, communication of coaches and what's in it for the kids.

Some of the points that we emphasized today was that parents have to step back, be interested and supportive but ensure the child/youth is participating because they want to, not because you want them to. Parents need to stay connected with their child athlete but shy away from controlling behaviours. In other words, it is fine to applaud good play but to be yelling instructions or comments from the sidelines at either the players or coaches. Being connected with your child is the important part. The other important aspect to remember it is their sport and team not yours.

With respect to coaches, Alan and I have both experienced that the best coaches are the ones who commun icate well with their teams, individual players and parents. Letting them know why something is happening, being consistent and following through.

Lastly, read your child. If they are enjoying the experience don't get in the way by questioning their playing time or why they are playing a certain position or even on the bench. Let them be part of the team—their team not yours.

(To hear more of this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com tonight Tuesday evening at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday March 4th at 9 am (PST).)

Do as I say, not as I do!

Driving or walking around our streets reminds me of how more powerful actions are than words. It seems that more people are crossing streets while the lights are red or not stopping at stop signs.

As parents, our actions do speak louder than words. Jay-walking with a child indicates to her that it is alright. To a teen, if we're in a hurry, it's okay to speed or not quite stop at a stop sign.

When my teens were learning to drive, I made a point of not having a single drink if I was to be driving that evening. (I don't even drink very much.) I know the law says that over an evening I could probably have one or maybe two drinks but this was a time that my children were learning to drive.

Similarly with younger children, what messages are we sending when we say one thing yet do another.

Our society would probably be better off if we thought that children were around whenever we were about to do something that we would tell them not to do. Driving a car with a cell phone or ipod attached to our ear when we otherwise would tell them this is dangerous behaviour for them to do.

It's important to set examples. Think before you act.

Be on the same page, be consistent, saying and doing are both actions.

Do as I do should be equivalet to do as I say.

The Voice

I was speaking to a young Mom the other day and she was commenting on Robin Fast's Dadspeak article in the February issue of Island Parent. We were talking about how we as parents really have to be aware of our communication with young children (and older children too).

Her daughter will say “Mommy, your using the ‘voice‘” when the mother is getting a little more animated than is called for. It's sometimes good for us to have that wake up call when we are using the ‘voice’ and really shouldn't be.

Alllison Rees sometimes refers to herself being uptight and “I don't want to be bothered,” as the “Bag Lady Alert”. This is when her children know that she is stressed and doesn't need any extra hassles.

Communication with quick little references between parent and child are good ways to alet the other person about a certain behaviour or mood. I remember as a teacher of a student who was particularly distractable, that to have a short cue word such as “focus” being much more effective than getting into a long-winded discussion or explanation.

The tone of our voice, our words and our body language are very powerful and we sometimes need to watch what we say, how we say it and how we show it.

Whose game is it, anyways?

Yesterday I heard a radio conversation about parents at their children's sports events. The discussion was started with a parent who had a broken nose that was the result of another parent hitting him outside after the game. Not sure how it all happened but it certainly sounds like it shouldn't have happened.

Be it hockey, basketball, tennis, soccer or whatever the sport, don't you find that sometimes parents go overboard in their reactions. It's just a game.

In the past, my kids have made comments about the way some parents get over-enthusiatic at a game. Loud enthusiastic cheering and applauding from the stands is great, but when it turns to verbal abuse that is unacceptable.

From the sidelines parents are seen yelling at the officials/referees/umpires, their team. the other team, other parents and coaches. The demonstration of sportsmanship has gone out the window as has civility. What are we teaching our kids by these sorts of behaviours?

Will it be that children in sports are left alone to play with no audience like it is happening in some cities of Europe where wide-spread rioting has occurred. The kids would probably like it. At least they would not be embarrassed by a loud obnoxious parent.

Self-Trust

As I was mentioning yesterday, Stephen Covey talks about 5 waves of trust with the first being Self Trust. I have thought about this over the past week and realised how right he is to talk about being credible to yourself first. If we cannot depend upon ourselves how can we expect others to put their faith in us.

Think of the times that you may have promised to do something on a consistent basis. Treat yourself to a night away from the children or say you are going to get up and excercise in the early morning. If you follow through with the promise, then you will certainly know that you will do it if you say it BUT if you wake up in the morning and make an excuse for not doing the morning excercise routine, then you have failed yoourself. Similarly, if you do not take the time out for yourself on an evening, then again you have not fulfilled that promise.

Your promises to yourself are as important as the promises to others. Follow through and you will feel better about yourself, make excuses and you'll feel guilty or upset.

Can you sincerely ask yourself a question like “Am I trustworthy?” If so, then the world around you is a better place.

Do your kids trust you?

Recently, I came across a new book called “The Speed of Trust” (Stephen M.R. Covey, Free Press, 2006) which got me thinking about the whole concept of trust in relation to the values I have been blogging about lately.

We all know what it feels like to trust people. We want people to trust us just as we want to trust others. When our children start out in this world they are very trusting. Sometimes we, as parents, can lose that trust very easily. We may not even be aware of the fact that trust has been lost.

How does this happen? Well I feel that we try to be everything to our children and in fact try to promise too much. The trust is lost when we cannot or do not follow through with our commitments consistently. The promise may be for a good outcome such as a trip to the playground or a playdate with a friend or it can be of a disciplinary nature such as removal of a privilege. Whatever the action is, an inconsistent approach leads to distrust.

Example, you promise the 4 year old that after going grocery shopping you and she can stop off at the playground. You have decided that you don't have time to get to the playground, for whatever reason. Your daughter only knows that you did not follow through. This can happen once but if on many occcasions you have made this sort of promise but not followed through with the action, your daughter becomes distrustful.

How many times have you heard a parent promise a special treat but not followed through because they are too busy or something came up. It is better not to promise than get the hopes up and have them squashed.

Similarly, many parents threaten a consequence for a certain behaviour. On reflection they realize this may have been severe and do not follow through with the consequence. In one respect this shows we're human, but if we become consistent and do not follow through with consequences to behaviours the child will learn very quickly that it isn't going to happen. Distrust ensues.

It is therefore better to keep your promises of either special treats or consequences to a minimum and follow through when you do make them.

When you are consistent with your follow through, you are on your way to be trusted. This, of course, does not relate to just being trusted by your children but also in your other relationships.

Influencing our Children's Self-Esteem (4)

The 4th “A” of self-esteem is Affection. Showing affection can be through the physical expression through a hug or a pat on the back or verbal expressions of caring and affection such as “I love you” (maybe not in front of teenage friends but at some point in the day. I've heard it said that people need physical touching on a daily basis. I subscribe to the 10 hugs a day theory but it doesn't always happen.

Daily interaction with our children showing them affection strengthens their self-esteem. These interactions whether they be through physical activities such as play, outings, conversations, all will assist in demonstrating our love for our children.

So now if we as parents remember to work with these 4 A's, we will have created a nurturing environment that is sure to enhance our children's sense of self.

(To hear more of this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com TOMORROW Sunday February 18th at 9 am (PST).)

Influencing our Children's Self-Esteem (3)

Now let's consider the 3rd “A” which stands for Affirmation. This is really the opposite of rejection. When we are affirming our child or any other person for that matter, we are simply saying that we're happy that they exist. We haven't put any conditions on this.

As a parent of a new born, we happily cradle them in our arms and become very attached to them. You as a parent are naturally affirming your baby by this unconditional love. As the child grows older, this natural instinct may start to fade and you may fall into what you learned from your childhood—which may not have been truly loving.

Allison mentions that when a child is loved as she is, having her reality reflected back to her shows that her actions are seen as worthwhile and the true self begins to develop. Using reflection is a good way to show your true understanding of the child. Reflective statements such as “You seem to love painting pictures” or ”I notice you spend time in the sandbox playing with your dump truck.” These statements show that you are noticing the child and what they are doing. You are affirming their being.

Other areas that show this affirmation are when you take time to play with your children. Again you are showing interest in their “work” and participating with them at their level. Let your child lead the activity, it shows that you value their ideas and play.

(To hear more of this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com on Sunday February 18th at 9 am (PST).)

Influencing our Children's Self-Esteem (2)

The second important “A” word with respect to helping develop our children's self-esteem to higher levels is Acceptance. This is where we as parents show our unconditional love for the child. We may not be overly pleased with certain behaviours but we show them that we take them as they are. When we are attuned to them and understand their characteristics, temperament and interests, we can then be move to the arena of acceptance.

When we have preconceived notions of how our children should behave or what interests we would like them to have, we are setting up a situation of conditional love where we may be saying directly or indirectly (but the child is picking it up) that I want to re-form you. I think you would really enjoy this activity because I did when I was your age. This is especially difficult for parents who have had strong interests or strengths in certain areas—sports, music, art, dance, etc.—and the child does neither show interest and/or ability in these areas.

How many sports parents, name a sport, have the parents so enmeshed with their children that they don't see that they either have no superior ability or actual interest but they sign up the child at an early age.

Accepting the child for who he/she is assists in their development of sense of self, the fundatmental ingredient to high self-esteem.


(To hear more of this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com on Sunday February 18th at 9 am (PST).)

Influencing our Children's Self-Esteem (1.)

Yesterday I was mentioning Allison's all-important four A's of self-esteem: attunement, acceptance, affirmation and affection. I'll further clarify these next time.

The first one is attunement. By this she means being in tune with your child. Being able to mirror his/her thoughts and really understanding the strengths and weaknesses. Often as parents, we are hoping the child will have similar interests. The hockey or football playing dad who wants his child to take up the sport. I remember hearing of a child whose father and some siblings were avid soccer players. He was quite athletic but more interested in individual pursuits such as tennis rather than team sports. As a parent, one needs to stand back and see where the child is coming from, her temperament and characteristics rather than imposing your interests or aspirations.

Attunement is about understanding the core of the individual. Reflecting with them on their strengths and yes their weaknesses. To truly have high self-esteem one needs to be comfortable in his own skin. Parents giving unconditional love assist with this development. Affirming the child's interests and abilities is truly a gift we can give our child.


(To hear more of this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com on Sunday February 18th at 9 am (PST).)

Self-Esteem and Children

On our radio show today, Allison and I were discussing how we as parents can influence the development of our children's self-esteem.

Our discussion began with defining self-esteem as understanding and being comfortable with our strengths and weaknesses. Allison referred to one of her favourite writers on the subject, Dorothy Corkill-Briggs, who described it beautifully: “High self-esteem is not a noisy conceit. It is a quiet sense of self-respect, a feeling of self-worth. When you have it deep inside, you're glad you're you.” It is when a child/person is values him/herself for who he/she is.

How can we as parents enhance our children's self-esteem. Well Allison and I talked about some of the pitfalls that can lead to a lower self-esteem. Competition is one of the areas where our desire to be the prettiest, fastest, smartest, strongest and we're loudly comparing ourselves to others. This certainly leads to a winner and loser scenario.

The next is referred to by Allison as the “Being Good” pitfall. When a parent's or other's expectation is for a child to be quiet, not be curious, hide strong feelings, be obedient, we are setting the child up to be seen as a “good” child and not really an individual. I can look back on the students I dealt with over the years who pushed the limits. They were not “good” kids but I also know they were not “bad” kids. I know for a fact, that although they drove us crazy, they are successes today and they a have a good self-esteem.

The last pitfall is Perfectionism. If as parents, we demand more than the child is capable of or witholds further approval and acceptance, we are setting the child up to be reaching for perfection which, I suspect, is unattainable. The underlying suggestion is that the child may be accepted if...

Allison presented four A's of self-esteem: attunement, acceptance, affirmation and affection. I'll further clarify these next time.

(To hear this discussion tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900 (AM) or www. village900.com tonight at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning at 9 am (PST).)

Two days and counting

Yes, it's two days until Valentine's. To be cynical, it is a manufactured holiday (special day) because we don't get the day off, sort of like Halloween.

But in keeping with the spirit and forgetting the greeting card companies' involvement, it does give time to think about one's relationships. It's the thought that counts here—to remember the special person(s) in one's life and let them know that you love them. Whether it's a poem, a card, a bouquet or a dinner out, it's the remembering that is important. The thoughtfulness of the card or even gift makes the memory.

Speaking of memories, my mom always sent us secret Valentine's. I'm not sure when I figured it out that they were from her (I'm a little slow on the uptake here.) They were silly and sweet and will always remind me that there is unconditional love in this world.

So plan ahead and make the day a little special for your Valentine.

Values in Relationships #7 (Communication)

Allison and I are always talking in our conversations on the radio and elsewhere about the importance of quality communication. Almost every time we discuss parenting issues and now relationship issues, we come down to a fundamental conclusion that communication is a major part of the equation.

And remember LISTENING is probably a greater part to communication than the speaking. Too often we jump in and do the talking or think about how we're going to respond when if we'd only sit down and listen we'd be far better off in the relationship and our understanding.

Another scenario from Allison to consider: You and your partner had a great deal of difficulty conceiving your first child, and when it finally happened, you were both ecstatic. Now several months into the pregnancy you are feeling anxious about the life change. Do you share your feelings?

Values in Relationships #6 (Accountability)

Allison put together a scenario that goes like this: Your partner has agreed to be home by 6 pm so you can go out to dinner with a friend. He is detained at work by a minor crisis and arrives home at 7:30 pm. Consequently, your dinner engagement was cancelled. What, if anything, do you say about it?

This all about accountability. When you say you are going to do something, you are accountable and need to follow through with it.

Yes minor and major crises come up and are unavoidable. But in an ongoing relationship, partners can live with this if they know that generally the person follows through on their commitments. I think Covey (here I go again)talks about emotional bank accounts. Within any relationhship there is an amount of trust built up and sometimes if there is a failure to follow through there is something in the emotional bank account which will cover the failed promise BUT if this is an ongoing issue that promises are not kept the bank account is drained and the trust has vanished.

As parents, we know that we cannot keep promising children things—outings, treats, etc.—and not follow through with them. Often a child will let us know that we cannot be trusted to follow up on the commitment whatever it is.

If you commit to something, then follow through. Being accountable is another of the values that strengthens a relationship.

Values in Relationships #5 (Cont.)

Personal responibility is another important value to ensure success in relationships.

Referring once again to Steven Covey of the 7 Habits books, we are all response-able. We control our responses therefore must take personal responsibilty for our actions and our feelings. It is not our partner or our children who determine our feelings. Too often in our present society we don't accept the responsibility for our actions or feelings but play the blame game.

In order to improve our relationships, we must accept the responsibility for our actions and feelings. They might be triggered by something that happened to us but they are our actions, not owned by others.

Extraordinary Fathers Too

Interesting that you should listen to the show with Alan Poole. I also tuned in.

Two interesting results from his study were that these extraordibnary fathers are self-aware and self-regulating. He stumbled on a third conclusion after completing his work that they were forgiving both of themselves and of others.

Since spending time over the past ten years at Island Parent and on the radio (and in other conversations with parenting experts like Allison), I have been living and breathing parenting issues on a daily basis. I would concur (although not considering myself an extraordinary father) that self-awareness and a growing awareness of the developmental attributes of children that I have become a better father. Increased self-regulation simply means that these men are in more control of their behaviour and actions.

One positive note is that we are not looking for perfection here but being a little better each day. If we make a mistake and ‘lose it’, we should not feel guilty but learn from the experience make some apologies, understand where we're coming from (being more aware) and simply move on.

Alan also mentioned that these fathers are more resilient. They can accept the ups and downs more easily and learn from them.

It was a fascinating conversation and although the focus was on fathers it translates to many of our relationships.

For those of you who are interested, this Island Parent Radio show will air again on Sunday February 11th at 9 am (PST) on Village 900 AM (www.village900.com).

Extraordinary Fathers

Having Alan Poole on the show yesterday talking about extraordinary fathers inspired me to listen to our radio show, something I don't often do. I was struck with the level of honesty we have on our program. We all opened up about our own struggles to some degree.

For his Master's Thesis, Alan studied a specific group of men who had facilitated small groups within my course. He wanted to know what contributed to their parenting in a positive way. What he found was that an willingness to look at their own behavior was one of the first steps to open the door to deepening their relationship with their family. Letting go of the old belief systems of having do "be right", "be the authority figure" or the "boss" is a big step for most men. But as Alan said, at some point you just realize that jumping into a gorilla suit and beating your chest doesn't work!

I appreciated Alan saying it was his two year old giving him feedback about his own behavior that really turned things around for him. Just after yelling at his four year old daughter to "Get to your room!" his two year old son said, "Dad you shouldn't yell at Aerial, you should just love her."

I think we can all think of a time early in our parenting where our children provide us with a mirror to show us something that we might otherwise never see.

I really enjoyed having Alan on the show!

Allison

Values in Relationships #4 (Cont.)

A couple of more values that are important to enjoy a successful relationship is to one have true dedication to your life's purpose and the purpose of your partner in the relationship and two have a source of inner renewal.

In the first instance, it is important to be true to yourself. Have some life's goals and try to be faithful to those goals. With a partner you need to be supportive in their successes and their failures.

The next important value is to have some source of inner renewal be it a hobby, journaling, walking or sports. It is crucial to both personal growth and the success of a relationship to have some time to renew oneself. Stephen Covey of the 7 Habits fame referred to this as sharpening the saw.

Values in Relationships #3 (cont.)

The third value that Allison and I talked about was the importance or in her words the preeminence of the adult relationship. This is to say that although our many other relationships—parent/child, friendships, work—are important, we must not lose sight of the fact that for a relationship to endure we must make sure that it is IMPORTANT.

An example that Allison gives is when your two year old has a predictable temper tantrum at the time the babysitter arrives. You feel guilty—what do you do?

It is important for you as a couple to get out for an evening or afternoon by yourselves. Children can manipulate us by throwing the tantrums and making us feel guilty. If you stay at home, it will not be a happy situation. You may resent the two year old.

If you value your relationship, set aside some quality time for each other. Unless your child is sick, let them know that this is important to you.

As an educator, often parents would be torn at leaving their young child at school because the son/daughter kicked up a fuss about the parent leaving. Most often once the parent had left the school grounds, the child settled down and enjoyed him/herself. The child will attempt to get the parent succumb to her/his wishes.

Remember for the adult relationship to develop, thrive and succeed, you must make the relationship a priority in your life. Yes there are times that the kid stuff will take over especially when they are young but a conscious effort must be made to ensure the endurance of the relationship.

Values in Relationships (cont.)

On January 25th, I was talking about the importance of the underlying shared values that keep the longevity of relationships. In that post I stated that one of the core values is supporting PERSONAL GROWTH of the partner in the relationship. For a relationship to continue, both partners msut be supportive of personal growth opportunities.

Recently, I saw a play at the Belfry Theatre titled “Honour”. I won't get into the plot but within the play the husband and wife ended up separated. One of the underlying themes was that the woman had given up her career as a writer to support her husband's career. At the end of the play as a single woman she had gone back to her writing. I suspect if her career and growth were truly supported earlier on, the marriage may have stayed intact. (Not really the gist of the play but something to reflect upon.)

I suspect that many relationships have grown apart when one or both sides have had a hand at stifling the partner's personal growth.

Next we'll look at the value of challenging the partner to grow and develop.