Do your kids trust you?

Recently, I came across a new book called “The Speed of Trust” (Stephen M.R. Covey, Free Press, 2006) which got me thinking about the whole concept of trust in relation to the values I have been blogging about lately.

We all know what it feels like to trust people. We want people to trust us just as we want to trust others. When our children start out in this world they are very trusting. Sometimes we, as parents, can lose that trust very easily. We may not even be aware of the fact that trust has been lost.

How does this happen? Well I feel that we try to be everything to our children and in fact try to promise too much. The trust is lost when we cannot or do not follow through with our commitments consistently. The promise may be for a good outcome such as a trip to the playground or a playdate with a friend or it can be of a disciplinary nature such as removal of a privilege. Whatever the action is, an inconsistent approach leads to distrust.

Example, you promise the 4 year old that after going grocery shopping you and she can stop off at the playground. You have decided that you don't have time to get to the playground, for whatever reason. Your daughter only knows that you did not follow through. This can happen once but if on many occcasions you have made this sort of promise but not followed through with the action, your daughter becomes distrustful.

How many times have you heard a parent promise a special treat but not followed through because they are too busy or something came up. It is better not to promise than get the hopes up and have them squashed.

Similarly, many parents threaten a consequence for a certain behaviour. On reflection they realize this may have been severe and do not follow through with the consequence. In one respect this shows we're human, but if we become consistent and do not follow through with consequences to behaviours the child will learn very quickly that it isn't going to happen. Distrust ensues.

It is therefore better to keep your promises of either special treats or consequences to a minimum and follow through when you do make them.

When you are consistent with your follow through, you are on your way to be trusted. This, of course, does not relate to just being trusted by your children but also in your other relationships.