Grads and memories

Our youngest graduated from Secondary School and had her final dinner/dance last night. What an exciting time for her and her classmates.

She looked beautiful, if I do say so myself. Before heading to the dinner a number of her friends gathered at our house for pictures between the rain showers. They looked radiant in their dresses and tuxedos—all grown up and ready to conquer the world. Some of the girls and boys went to Kindergarten with her, others have been adopted into her circle of friends over the years.

It's all about community when you look at it. Seeing these fine young men and women brought a flood fond memories from the many years they have been together. Parents simply stood back surveying the scene in the lobby of the hotel where the banquet was held. A happy time but some had tears in their eyes, shaking their heads in disbelief. "Where has the time gone?"

After the grads had settled in to their festivities, a group of us (parents) retreated to a local restaurant to celebrate amongst ourselves. Talk ranged from past to present and on into the future. Some of us even pulled faded pictures from our wallets. It was fun to be together as we all knew that some of us may drift apart without the "glue" of our children binding us.

Each moment we have with our children is precious be it as an infant, toddler, child or teen. Treasure and celebrate those times but remember our job is to step back and let them blossom in their own way.

Obese? overweight? What's in a name?

Child obesity seems to be on the rise. At least that is what is being reported a great deal in the media.

There were a number of articles in the Globe and Mail about obesity and kids' level of fitness. One of the articles,Tough talk on a heavy issue, explores the issue of childhood obesity and also about the necessity for doctors to tell parents that their child is overweight or obese.

How did we get to this place that many of our children are overweight and obese? A lot has to do with our sedentary lifestyle of television and video games, the food we are eating, and how in one breath we talk about more fitness yet do not provide enough Physical Education and fitness in our education system.

The health of this generation is at risk for increased diabetes and other weight related problems.

Two of the other articles spoke to getting our kids fit through child-centred fitness centres and some TV shows that promote activity.

It all begs the question of what are we as parents doing? Although I'm sure the producers of the TV shows and owners of the fitness centres are well-intentioned, do we need our kids to be in front of TV's or on stationary bikes with video games to get fit.

Dr. Heather McKay of the Vancouver Coastal Health Research Institute at the end of one of the articles seems to sum things up as I see it. She states, "...And I don't think you're going to solve the obesity epidemic with thousands of video interactive games."

Parents need to be proactive. We need to be positive role models for our children. Fitness Centres are not bad but we need to make some other choices to ensure and active and healthy lifestyle for our children. Walking not driving to school. Ensuring that they are eating healthy foods. Getting out and playing in the parks and playgrounds with our children. Teaching them some active games.

Do something active on a daily basis.

Fears, Worries and Anieties

Our radio show today was a discussion about fears, worries and anxieties and how we as parents can help our children if they become constant inhibitions and overwhelming.

Although everyone experiences these natural feelings, there are times that they can be detrimental to our child's emotional health and well-being. As parents, we need to be cognizant of the signals that let us know that they are more than normal. Signs may be disturbed sleep patterns, stomach aches, headaches, tiredness, irritability, etc. Also some children's genetic makeup, character and temperament may be factors that accentuate these three feelings.

We, Allison and I, discussed a number of things parents can do to help their child overcome the fears, worries and anxieties. Again communication is the key. Sharing some of your own concerns when you were their age, lets them know these are normal feelings.

Allison suggested setting aside a time for sharing worries. Asking a child with respect to a specific event (an upcoming game or practice) or merely what the worries may be in general, gives your child the oppportunity to let you know what's bothering them. Kids often have misinformation or misperceptions about the world and sharing their worries may allow you to talk to them and give some facts which may alleviate the situation.

When talking about anxiety make sure you let them know it's okay to be anxious and normalise it. Often just letting them know it's normal, helps them get through it.

If your child is overly anxious—statistics say that 1 in 10 are—you should probably seek some professional help.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, today June 26th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (July 1st) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Endings and Beginnings

She sat on stage with her blue gown draped over her body and cap perched on her head. She showed with tears and laughter, smiles and hand-holding, nods of her head a variety of emotions. A young lady ready to go forth and save the world yet sad by the fact that many of those who shared the world would not be fully part of her forthcoming journeys.

I remember her as a quiet young girl "graduating" from preschool. Actually it was an evening picnic at a local waterpark where the preschool teacher and families got together to thank each other for the past couple of years. Then our young lady was "graduating" from grade 7, again the excitement of new challenges and some sadness of leaving the elementary school that had provided a security blanket of caring staff and families over 8 years. And now she is a woman looking to a future of exciting opportunities and challenges.

Graduating sounds like the process is gradual but the ceremonies of graduation seem more like a chasm between an ending and a beginning. They hold a range of emotions for both parents and students. It is truly one of those bittersweet times where there are tears of sadness and farewells coupled with the excitement of new challenges ahead.

In my second blog, I wrote about parenting in relation to the book “The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them” by David Richo. The first is that Everything Changes and Ends.

Here our family is at an ending. It's hard to believe that baby—our daughter—has graduated and is moving on.

At times, as parents, we would like the time to stand still but it doesn't. There will be many fond memories and perhaps a few regrets but life moves on and new paths are taken. It is an exciting time as a parent to see your child maturing into a responsible adult and accepting the challenges that will be thrown at them in the coming months. We must still be there for them and help them in a variety of ways but it is now up to them to move forward with their life, on their chosen path.

We must accept the changes and endings, celebrate the accomplishments and look forward to the future.

All the best to the class of 2007.

Boundary Buster #5 - Punitiveness and ANGER (cont.)

Continuing the idea of de-escalating your anger, which Allison and I were talking about on our radio show, there is an acronym for ANGER that she uses in her Parent Child Connection Course.

A - Attend to your early signals of anger. What do you feel in your body? When you are aware of the early signals you can have strategies and choices around your behaviour.

N - Negotiate with those around you. Don't talk about the issues but choose a later time to discuss. Come up with a signal to let others know you are angry and need space. E.g. "Give me five."

G - Gear down from the behaviours to giving some thought to what and why certain things are triggering your behaviour. (This part is done alone - by yourself.)

E - Express your feelings and needs more assertively.

R - Resolve issues if possible, either through conflict resolution or within yourself.

If you'd like a more complete explanation of these steps, please click HERE.

For more on punitiveness and ANGER, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 19th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 24th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #5 - Punitiveness and ANGER

Had an interesting discussion with Allison Rees in our taping session for Island Parent Radio today. We were continuing our series on parental "Boundary Busters" and got talking about submissiveness, permissiveness and punitiveness.

We opened with the introduction of the "Irritation-Anger-Guilt Cycle" that sometimes parents get caught up in. The irritating whine of a child can set off the cycle leading to anger then guilt. The angry parent lashes out verbally or even physically where the guilty parent may end up submitting—giving in—to the child's whining demands.

Alllison went on to say that we need some strategies to extricate ourselves from the cycle but more than that we need to look at ourselves and see where the behaviour is coming from. Our life experiences often determine the responses we give.

A punitive/angry parent punishes too much and frequently. They are given to using the child to vent hostility. The parent's behaviour may be verbal, physical or even just lecturing (but frequently). Over-ruling the child by force and ignoring the child's feelings in favour of their own.

As a parent realising they have an anger issue there are ways to de-escalate the anger. Here are some suggestions from Life Seminars course "The Parent Child connection":

1. "Time out" yourself when you start to get angry.
2. Have a 'hands in pocket" rule when you get angry. Don't touch your child at all when you are stressed.
3. Give other family members permission to leave the room if they feel they are being violated. (I mentioned to Allison on this point that often an angry person will follow the people out of the room, pound on doors, etc.)
4. Watch what you think and challenge old belief systems.
5. Let your children talk to you about their fears and your behaviour. (Again this is difficult and may make you feel ashamed but you must counter this with learning to change your behaviour.)

On the next blog I will review the Anger Chart which is part of this list.

For more on punitiveness and ANGER, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 19th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 24th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #4 - Over-Indulgence

Spoiling our children with material things is just one form of over-indulgence. Over-indulged kids grow up not feeling satisfied with what they have—always wanting more.

We, as parents, over-indulge by giving in to their every demand. The cry, "I'm bored." results in parents stopping and becoming the entertainment centre. Whatever happened to creative play and kids just finding things to do?

As our children get older they need to take on some responsibilities. We can help by giving them an allowance so they can save up for that treasured item. Sometimes they will even learn that the "treasured" item is not so great after all. Another of "Life's lessons learned."

Getting a job when they reach 15 allows them some spending money and realising that parents are not going to always give them what they want. In fact, parents need to take a lesson from the two year olds of the world and say "NO" to some of their children's demands.

Allison reminded me of a caller to our radio show (years ago) who spoke of his 22 year old daughter who had a couple of jobs, an apartment but spent her money on clothes and other material goods. When it came time to pay the phone bill she came begging to daddy. This habit was started long ago and as the father commented, she had not learned the value of money because she had always counted on dad to give her money or buy her things.

What lessons do we teach our children when we over-indulge them? Lessons that mom or dad will come to their rescue and they really do not have to take on these responsibilities.

For more on over-indulgence and over-protection, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 12th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 17th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #3 - Over-Protection

Mother and son walk to school each day hand-in-hand. Lovely thought and sight except that the son is now 10 years old.

As parents we need to watch out that we are not over-protecting our children. Part of growing up and maturing is making mistakes and becoming independent. We, as parents, can sqelch that process by not allowing our children their independence by becoming over-protective and smothering.

Think about yourself and how you would feel to have another person always "hovering" around you. We all need our space and children need it just as much as adults. We do need to be aware of our children and where they are but as they grow older, we need to step back and out of the picture and allow them their space.

Over-protection is Boundary Buster # 3.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 12th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 17th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Family Boundaries - Intrusive Parents

As mentioned in my last blog, Allison and i were talking about common "boundary busting" behaviours of parents. The second behaviour Allison highlighted was about being intrusive.

Intrusiveness includes such behaviours as entering a room without the courtesy of knocking especially an older child or teenager. Not respecting their right to privacy and being interrupted. Reading a child's diary or checking up on their MSN messages is invading their privacy. Yes you can be concerned but if you have ahd an open dialogue and worked with them over the years then you probably don't need to be intrusive and violate their trust.

Too often I feel children are not given the respect that we accord adults yet adults expect and even demand respect from them.

Allison gave an example of a hypothetical situation in which a mother decides to clean up her son's room and collect his old toys and clothes for a garage sale. When he comes home to find his room stripped of some of his things the response is that she thought that he wouldn't mind and she took it upon herself to "clean up" his space.

We discussed the message or lesson for this boy. What he has learned that it is okay for people to take the liberty to take other people's things. Allison mentioned that something the boy may also learn is that it is alright for him to go into his mother's purse and take money because "she doesn't need it."

Whatever we do in a consistent manner whether it is using controlling behaviour as I blogged last time or being intrusive, we are sending out underlying messages to and lessons for our children. We set the bar and our behaviour is the standard to which our children aspire. We need to watch the boundaries and clearly respect them if we expect reciprocal behaviours from our children.

The next "boundary buster" of parents is over-protection.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (June 10th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Family Boundaries - Controlling Parents

On our recent radio show Allison and I discussed two parental "boundary busters"—issues of over-control and intrusiveness.

The first of these "boundary busters" is really about the parent who continually nags and coerces his child. You know the type. From morning wake up to bedtime, he is constantly on about getting dressed, eating, doing homework, etc. etc. etc.

In our discussion, we talked about the legacy we are leaving our children if we are guilty of this continual "nagging". What is the lesson that our children learn from this parental behaviour? Well, as Allison says, the child will learn to be a procrastinator and not take on or learn responsibilty.

Part of our role as a parent is to teach our child about responsibility and becoming more self-reliant. How do we stop this behaviour?

If you recognise yourself as the "nagger", that is the first step to changing your behaviour for the good of your child. From there you need to check your nagging at the door. Revert to a short one word reminder if necessary and allow for some natural consequences to take place. We learn by experience and sometimes the experience is a mistake.

Next time I will share some thoughts on intrusive behaviour of parents.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (June 10th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.