Boundary Buster #5 - Punitiveness and ANGER

Had an interesting discussion with Allison Rees in our taping session for Island Parent Radio today. We were continuing our series on parental "Boundary Busters" and got talking about submissiveness, permissiveness and punitiveness.

We opened with the introduction of the "Irritation-Anger-Guilt Cycle" that sometimes parents get caught up in. The irritating whine of a child can set off the cycle leading to anger then guilt. The angry parent lashes out verbally or even physically where the guilty parent may end up submitting—giving in—to the child's whining demands.

Alllison went on to say that we need some strategies to extricate ourselves from the cycle but more than that we need to look at ourselves and see where the behaviour is coming from. Our life experiences often determine the responses we give.

A punitive/angry parent punishes too much and frequently. They are given to using the child to vent hostility. The parent's behaviour may be verbal, physical or even just lecturing (but frequently). Over-ruling the child by force and ignoring the child's feelings in favour of their own.

As a parent realising they have an anger issue there are ways to de-escalate the anger. Here are some suggestions from Life Seminars course "The Parent Child connection":

1. "Time out" yourself when you start to get angry.
2. Have a 'hands in pocket" rule when you get angry. Don't touch your child at all when you are stressed.
3. Give other family members permission to leave the room if they feel they are being violated. (I mentioned to Allison on this point that often an angry person will follow the people out of the room, pound on doors, etc.)
4. Watch what you think and challenge old belief systems.
5. Let your children talk to you about their fears and your behaviour. (Again this is difficult and may make you feel ashamed but you must counter this with learning to change your behaviour.)

On the next blog I will review the Anger Chart which is part of this list.

For more on punitiveness and ANGER, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 19th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 24th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.