Poor Choices in Teen Friendships

Has your child had a friend who you have felt was not a desirable relationship? When they are younger and more dependent upon you as a parent, it sometimes is easier to steer them away from those friendships. As they become teenagers and they are spending more time away from us, it is more difficult to ensure their relationships with other teens does not lead to problems. A fine balance between too much interference and control and keeping your child safe.

In earlier blogs, I have have written about risk-taking and responsibility seeking behaviours of teens. In a way undesirable friendships are similar. When teens seek out and find friends that may exert some negative influence, we may need to come up with some strategies that keep them safe.

"Breaking up your teen's friendship is hard to do" is the title of a recent column by Anthony Wolf in the Globe and Mail. Dr. Wolf gives two options for dealing with this type of scenario (although I'm sure there are many). The first is to tell your teen to "ditch the friend" which carries the risk of alienating your teen or having the friendship go underground. Not a good solution.

The second looks at the behaviour of your teen not the friend. Talk openly about behaviours that are uinacceptable not talk about the friend. Wolf talks about "upping the surveillance" which sounds a little cloak and daggerish to me but really is just saying that as parents we need to be more attuned to our teens and their whereabouts. It isn't an in your face awareness but being available to them and keeping in touch with them. Showing a genuine interest in them and their world will help keep the connections open and allow conversations about their peers and ability to express concerns you may have with the friends.

The real message I took from the article is about communication and being there for your teen. It is at this point in parenting that many parents step way back because they think their teen doesn't want them around. The teen wants the support just not the interference and controlling behaviours that some parents exert.

The article is worth a read.

Couple Time

Friends returned from a trip to Hawaii with the 1st annual Hawaii Parent Guide. They had thought of me and Island Parent when they saw it (as their own children well into their adult years).

I'm always interested in looking at other parenting magazines both for content and design. Whatever the design, there does seem to be some consistent parenting themes that are not specific to a certain country or region.

"Remember to Have Couple Time" caught my eye. It was a short piece with some very good points that we have heard before but are worth repeating and taking to heart. I've taken liberty to abbreviate the points.

Set up a date: regular, weekly without interruptions

Use "I" messages: state your feelings without blame, example say "I feel..." not "You make me feel..."

Be direct and specific: this is where I sometimes am not clear in my relationships—I often think people are thinking what I'm thinking.

Avoid some direct questions: questions can sound accusing, "Why didn't you call me..." can be easily replaced by an "I" statement such as "I was worried when you didn't call..."

Listen: take time to really listen, don't interrupt or jump to conclusions.

Compliment each other: take time to say something positive especially at the end of your couple time.

Too often, as I've said before, we don't take enough care of ourselves. Modelling behaviours that show positive relationships and healthy boundaries, give our children important life lessons. Take time for yourself and your relationship.

Family Outing on Bikes

He was standing at the side of the road, straddled over the frame of his bike, looking back. He was about 9 years old. Further back down the road was Dad on a bike pulling a his 5 year old brother on a tag-along (bike extension with bike seat and pedals).

Dad, too, was looking still further down the road, where I could glimpse Mom on bike with a child trailer. It looked odd from my vantage point—the trailer that is—with the usual top and front netting but there was a wheel jutting out from the back. How odd, I thought, until I neared her and realised that another bike was perched precariously on top of the trailer and inside were two more boys. I guessed the brothers to be about 7 and 3 year-olds.

After I turned around, I came upon the family, now together but regrouping. The bike coming off the child trailer and starting to head off to continue their ride.

That night tired and exhausted Mom and Dad may be thinking about the adventure and saying to themselves, "Never again," while the boys were in their beds thinking of the great time they'd had. Well that's how I'd like to think of it. Who knows what each would be thinking but after time, I'm sure it will be remembered fondly.

As I looked back on my bike adventures with our two children, they were picnics compared to this. Well there was the time of riding from our campground to Chemainus and back one afternoon when we did have some tire trouble and had to walk the last mile or so.

Look after yourself

"If you were to care for yourself the way you care for others, what would that look like?"

This, from parent educator, Allison Rees, is the Island Parent website quote of the week. As I was putting it up on the site, I was reminded of the fact that too often parents (especially Moms) do not take enough time for themselves. Each of us needs to rejuvenate in some way. We need to take some time for ourselves away from family pressures and demands. Yes, kids need to be looked after but if we don't look after ourselves—and I come back to this many times—we are not modelling healthy lifestyles. We are mentors and with that comes the responsibility of "actions speak louder than words".

These are not selfish acts (unless taken to the extreme) but merely actions that give us a break from those demands of children.

How does it look? For each it may be different - for some a solitary time, for others getting together with a friend.
All will involve having your children being taken care of by a babysitter, another parent (swap childminding), a family member (grandparent, aunt, uncle, partner) or a friend. A neighbour of ours with three young children, goes for a run when her spouse arrives home from work.

What would it look like depends upon your idea of taking a break. The list is endless but what's important is that you do something for yourself on a regular basis.

Get some exercise. Take a hike or walk or run by yourself or with someone.

Meet for partner or a friend for coffee.

Make a date for dinner and a show.

Go window shopping.

Be a tourist in your town.

Go for a picnic.

Whatever it is, make a date with yourself to take a break. Trust me, you and your family will all benefit.

The Negativity Cycle of Friendship

Knowing your child has best friends is a good thing, right?

Well apparently a recent study reported that some friendships are based upon a cycle of negativity. That is, young girls (mainly) and boys get into a friend relationship that starts to focus on problems they are having with peers or parents, at school or at home, and it spirals to a point that the friendship is thriving more on the negative thoughts and experiences not positive ones.

Sorry, I cannot find the reference but I certainly see that sometimes friendships of young (and old) get into patterns which can be either negative or positive. One thing the study's author said was that as parents we should be aware of our children's friends (not always an easy task) and try to move them away from such friendships (an impossible task with teens). Sometimes the result of these types of friendships can lead to emotional problems such as increased anxiety.

Just another thing to think about as a parent.

5 Tips to Beat the Heat

As a parent experiencing this summer heat—that we in Victoria are not used to—I am sometimes looking for the quick tips that help our kids through a heat wave.

The Canadian Red Cross' BC Coastal Region sent out the following five tips:

1) Drink plenty of cool fluids especially water.
2) Avoid being outdoors unless in the shade between 10 am and 4 pm, the hottest part of the day.
3) Slow down activities. Exercise in brief periods.
4) Take frequent breaks in the shade or indoors.
5) Dress in light coloured, light weight and loose clothing. Wear a hat.

For other safety tips for the heat visit the Vancouver Island Health Authority website and click on the various links in their "Stay Cool this Summer" box.

Regrets

I just noticed a couple of pieces by Siri Agrell in today's Globe & Mail about regrets.

The first, Harbouring regret, relayed the story of a blogger Frank Warren who collects peoples secrets and regrets and has published a book, Lifetime of Secrets. I found this interesting because if asked "What regrets do you have?", I would be hard pressed to give an answer. (These sorts of questions often stump me. You know the ones like "What is your favourite book?", "What was your best job?", "What's your favourite colour?" etc. etc.)

Here are thousands of people sending postcards to Mr. Warren with their heartfelt and tearful regrets. And I don't really have any.

But my point comes with the second article, Ditching regrets can heal more than the soul. I feel the title sums up something I truly believe. As much as we may have regrets, we cannot relive the past. Too often we have some regrets—although I can't put my finger on any at this moment—about something we've done or haven't done to a family member (father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, son, etc.) or a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger.

If we harbour these regrets and let them fester over time, it cannot bode well for our health (physical and emotional). Apologies and confessions will certainly help the soul. But most of all we need, in some way, with or without professional help, to move forward with our life and leave regrets in the past.

As parents and adults, we need to mentor our children by showing them that we can move beyond regret and learn from the situations that may have caused the regret in the first place.

This brings to mind and the end of my thoughts on this, the Mother Teresa quote that I mentioned quite a while ago:

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. We have only today. Let us begin."

Babies lying (i.e. not telling the truth)

As parents, we often discuss the philosophical issues surrounding this behaviour in our children.

But babies...

an article in the Globe & Mail Sneaky babies learn to lie before they talk caught my eye. Upon reading the article that cited a study from the University of Portsmouth, I realized, from some of their examples, that babies can or do indeed lie.

I have witnessed babies who have cried to get the attention of the parent but are not really distressed. One mother noted that she watched her baby cry then stop and wait for a response, then cry again.

Babies are really looking for the social interaction. The cause and effect of learning is very much a part of their learning curve. The article and the study both contend that they are being manipulative but not necessarily being deceitful as they have not really wrestled with the rights and wrongs of lying.

This is where parents need to really look at the behaviours of their child(ren) and realise that we don't always have to respond to their every cry. One parent of 6 that I know had triplets and she just couldn't be there every time they cried. She learned very quickly—to save her sanity and give her time to rest—when the cry is one of distress and need.

Parents of only children sometimes need to put things in perspective and not be available at every whim or cry of the child. They will survive.

That's what I believe anyway.