Poor Choices in Teen Friendships

Has your child had a friend who you have felt was not a desirable relationship? When they are younger and more dependent upon you as a parent, it sometimes is easier to steer them away from those friendships. As they become teenagers and they are spending more time away from us, it is more difficult to ensure their relationships with other teens does not lead to problems. A fine balance between too much interference and control and keeping your child safe.

In earlier blogs, I have have written about risk-taking and responsibility seeking behaviours of teens. In a way undesirable friendships are similar. When teens seek out and find friends that may exert some negative influence, we may need to come up with some strategies that keep them safe.

"Breaking up your teen's friendship is hard to do" is the title of a recent column by Anthony Wolf in the Globe and Mail. Dr. Wolf gives two options for dealing with this type of scenario (although I'm sure there are many). The first is to tell your teen to "ditch the friend" which carries the risk of alienating your teen or having the friendship go underground. Not a good solution.

The second looks at the behaviour of your teen not the friend. Talk openly about behaviours that are uinacceptable not talk about the friend. Wolf talks about "upping the surveillance" which sounds a little cloak and daggerish to me but really is just saying that as parents we need to be more attuned to our teens and their whereabouts. It isn't an in your face awareness but being available to them and keeping in touch with them. Showing a genuine interest in them and their world will help keep the connections open and allow conversations about their peers and ability to express concerns you may have with the friends.

The real message I took from the article is about communication and being there for your teen. It is at this point in parenting that many parents step way back because they think their teen doesn't want them around. The teen wants the support just not the interference and controlling behaviours that some parents exert.

The article is worth a read.