A Father's Legacy

I was reading Robin Fast's column Dadspeak in the current issue of Island Parent. His introduction reminded me of the place I have been to many times in my life—i.e. yelling at my son.

Is this the legacy we as fathers wish to leave as a memory?

Robin, as I know him, is a thoughtful caring and gentle man. I know his son will remember him in this way as I hope my son and daughter will remember me. Robin provides a thoughtful reflection on his parenting and his father. It allows me to think of where I have been.

Looking back over life, I do see how supportive my father was although there were times when he got angry and might have even frightened me. But that is not how I remember him. He was not really demonstrative in his love and affection (probably a\part of his era) but I know he loved his children and spoke proudly of them.

The one piece of advice that I remember him saying to me in my late teens or early twenties was: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think about why they are doing or thinking something. This is not profound or even original but it is how he generally conducted his personal and business life.

What do we wish to leave as a legacy? It all comes back to the values that we cherish and live by. How we walk our talk.

Think of the many people in your life that have had a positive influence on you and what values they are displaying. They are not famous people but people who were there for you when you needed them. They could be family or friends or strangers you have read about but they have had some lasting affect on you. What you saw and gained from them was their values in action.

Accountability and Responsibility (cont.)

Well by the time our children are 16 years and older the expectations for them taking on more responsibility and being more accountable is a lot greater.

Many are taking on jobs. They are now accountable and more responsible because of their jobs.They have more spending money and less reliant on the parents for money.

I recently heard some stories of people getting jobs (sometimes through parent's friends/acquaintances) andworking for a short while and then either quitting abruptly or just not showing up for work. A few months later they are asking for help in getting another job. This is where we have failed in teaching lessons on responsibilty and accountability, when they feel they can simply pack up without notice and expect to get another job whenever they want it.

At school, it is their responsibilty to get things done and handed in. (We want to know if things are not going well so we can provide support but it is not our role to be taking on the responsibilty for their work, assignments or even getting them to school.)

Listening to our children at this stage and providing some feedback—being a sounding board—is what is requirted. Often at this time, we as parents try to step back completely. We still need, as in all the other stages, to be there for our children. They need to know we are there for them.

Expectations for Accountability and Responsibility

Between the ages of 5 and 10 years is a time to teach responsibility. As this age group is in elementary school, they can take on responsibilty for much of their school work and learn one of life's lessons - do your work before play. Their responsibility at this stage includes bringing home their homework, making sure they have everything they need for school each day, etc. Our responsibilty is not to nag but to help them to organize themselves and provide a suitable environment for homework. As mentioned on the subject of homework on the Island Parent Forum, parents are there for support but not there to do the homework or project.

This is a great time to help our children to solve their problems. Don't tell them how to get ready for school but ask them what they might do to organize themselves.

Often as parents we tend to override our children when it comes to solving their problems. If we can step back and get them to start to solve their own problems, they will be better off and better able to handle any future difficulties. Of course, we must always take into account their age—a five year old needs more guidance than the ten year old.

The next stage Allison mentioned was the 11 to 15 year old. During this stage we look at Rules and Rights. The responsibilty and accountability part of the equation comes into play here.

Some examples of these include:

Rules - You are responsible for letting me know where you are and to let me know if that changes. If there is a certain time for you to be home, then you are to be home at that time or let me know why you won't be. You need to contribute to our home by tidying up after yourself and doing some chores (cleaning, meal preparation, etc.). Keep yourself safe.

Rights - You have the right to establish friendships, we all (parents and children) have a right to some freedom and peace. You won't be nagged. If you make a mistake, we will help you out. Call us “no questions asked”.

A couple of cautionary notes for parents to remember:

DON'T make it hard for your kid to be honest. If you jump all over them everytime they make a mistake or get into trouble, they will stop telling you.

DON'T get stuck on being right all the time.

Listen to and watch how you talk. Problem solve as a family. Find mentors for your children—family or friends. Watch the values you are teaching both the positive and negative — Walk the Talk.

Next time I'll put down some thoughts about the 16 years and up age group.

Expectations for Responsibility and Accountability

One of the important aspects when we talk about these two concepts is that we have to as parents, take into account the developmental stages of children when we factor expectations into the mix. On that show (which airs this Sunday at 9am on Village 900AM or www.village900.com), we discussed what expectations are appropriate for the various ages. With the first age grouping—up to 5 years—you really made it clear that we do not place too many expectations on our children with respect to accountability and responsibility. This is the time that children are learning through play. During these years we can mirror their feelings of happiness and frustration, etc. when we observe them at play. Not all the time but often enough that they start to understand the feeling associated with words.

During this stage they may want to help with various chores but it is certainly not the time to be handing out chores with high expectations. This really is a time for learning through play not work. As you said play is their work.

Assertiveness and Responsibility

Paul, we did the last radio show on assertiveness and responsibility in our kids. I enjoyed the show because even though I wrote it, it was a good reminder for me! I think we expect far too much from children today. We want them to have good moral values, be assertive, take responsibility and be accountable. Quite an order and as you said on the show, most adults can't fit that description.

Values for Relationships

As mentioned in an earlier post, Allison and I discussed on our radio show, how values are the important underpinnings of a successful relationship-be that a marriage, partnership, parent/child, etc. Within the context of a marriage/partnership there are some core values that can be identified that help keep the relationship together.

If one believes the myths, you might expect that people's tastes, interests, personality types and temperaments would be the glue that binds. In fact, if you look deeper, this is not the case.

What are some of the values that are shared that keep the relationship together. Well the first is a mutual interest in personal growth. It is important to recognise that each person in a relationship—marriage, family, friendship, etc.—has the opportunity and support for personal growth. I can think of many instances where a marriage/partnership has foundered when one person desires to take on some challenges which entails personal growth and the other person is not supportive.

Personal growth then is one of these primary values to keep relationships successful.

Conflict

As you said conflict is not wholly synonymous with fighting. Conflict is certainly a part of all relationships. Not necessarily a huge part but is definitely seen in all relationships. When I do see couples that truly fight (frequently), I do wonder how long the relationship will last.

With respect to our children, there needs to be some conflict for them to spread their wings and leave the nest. I remember hearing that children must separate from (and have some sort of conflict) with their parents and family in order to develop their independence. This does not have to be earth-shattering stuff but we all are individuals and learning to work resolve issues/conflicts with others is an important part of maturing.

By the way, Allison, isn't sibling rivalry a form of conflict? (I know this is your favourite topic—not— but certainly one that families deal with constantly.) When all is said and done, siblings often are the best of friends despite all the conflicts they've had over their childhood.

Myths of Marriage

It is interesting to bring up the word conflict isn't it? We immediately think of "fighting" and certainly that is what a lot of conflict looks like. But really, conflict means that two people or more have different needs or views and they can either work them out, agree to disagree or I guess they could have a huge fight, bring up all kinds of other unresolved issues and then not talk for a few days until they forget what they were fighting about! There are different variations but imagine never disagreeing with your partner. Working things out means we turn conflict into commitment. Not being lovey-dovey and agreeing on everything but having honest, direct communication. David Richo in his book, How To Be An Adult in Relationship, page 129 "A leaky faucet is not a tragedy to the householder with tools and skill. Our conflicts can have wonderful results for us if we show mutual respect and use tools that help us cooperate rather than strategies that show we're right." He also states that, "We need conflict in order to evolve from romantic projection to mature self-affirmation.

I was just saying the other day, If I didn't have some conflict with my teens, I would smother them. Their needs and my needs are different now as they should be and that is what helps them separate from me. So conflict stops us from being a symbiotic blob (not blog) and allows us to be different, separate and still be loved.

Myths about Marriage and Parenting (cont.)

Here are a couple of myths to think about which will end the introduction to this topic.

MYTH #6

Frequent conflicts are a sign that a marriage is in trouble

REALITY #6

Your willingness to engage in conflict determines the depth and quality of your relationship. In all relationships there is a certain amount of tension or conflict.

MYTH #7

Spending lots of time together is very important

REALITY #7

The est relationships are low maintenance, high intimacy. As in many relationships (partner/partner, parent/child, friends, etc.) it is more about quality of time spent than the quantity of time.

Allison, I am sure will make a few comments about the MYTHS/REALITIES and then we will proceed to discuss the core values that keep relationships alive and well.

Myths about Marriage and Parenting (cont.)

Here are two more MYTH/REALITY pairs to think about.

MYTH #4

You need to work on your marriage/relationship if you want it to be good.

REALITY #4

Well when you look at this you realise that relationships don't have problems; people do.

MYTH #5

Unconditional acceptance of your partner is the foundation of a good marriage.

REALITY #5

If you don't make demands on your partner, you don't really care. It is not that we make unrealistic demands on our partners (or children) for that matter but we do need to challenge ourselves and our partners in order to grow.

Myths about Marriage and Parenting

Recently, parent educator, Allison Rees and I were recording our weekly radio show on Village 900. (For those of you on the Island you can tune in Tuesday evenings at 7 or Sunday mornings at 9 . For those outside reach of the 900 on the AM dial you can tune in through the website at www.village900.com)

Allison and I were discussing some typical myths about marriage and parenting which led to talking about embracing values which are the key to successful relationships.

As with the radio show, Allison and I will be discussing this topic on the blog over the next week or so. To start it off I am going to outline the Myths with the accompanying Reality. These ideas are based from a book which Allison read last year—at the moment I don't know the name of the book but we will pass along the name of it soon.

Here are a few MYTH/REALITY ideas for you to contemplate::

MYTH #1
The old adage - Opposites Attract - a couple in their differences complement each other

REALITY #1
Great relationships require identical core values. People can be quite different or very much alike, it is the underlying core values that they hold that create the bond.

MYTH #2
Love will carry you through the hard times of a relationship.

REALITY #2
It is the shared values that pull you through a crisis.

MYTH #3
Selflessness and giving to others build the best relationships.

REALITY #3
Clear limits and boundaries build mutual respect and lasting relationships. Martyrdom does not really work in a relationship or guilt for that matter.

These and the others to follow certainly provided me with food for thought.

Fathers and Parent Education

I just got a call today from a friend who is working on her thesis about fathers and parent education. Of course with my writing on the topic “Boys Will Be Boys” last week, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the male gender in our society.

The idea of the thesis is to find which Parent Education courses are addressing the father specifically. My friend suggests that in most courses fathers are not the focus but an additive to the workshops or courses.

I mentioned my attendance at the Boy Smarts seminar last week and how it got me thinking about boys and men. I'm not always sure that men would go to many of these alone, unless they are single or stay at home dads. It is not to say that the courses are not beneficial to fathers, they are

Any parenting courses/workshops I've attended seem to have more women in attendance and, if there are males, they are usually with their partners. It will be interesting to find out what is out there specifically addressing issues of parenting concerning the father.

I suspect, but you can prove me wrong, that most are generic parenting courses with the primary target being the mothers—who have a tendency to be working on the relationship issues of the family.

If you know of any courses or seminars with some focus on the father, let me know.

Curfews and Kids

You know that communication is the important part of any relationship and understanding expectations.

I am constantly learning that as a male (see Boys will be Boys), we need to use more (not tons of) words to make sure the understanding of expectations is complete.

Take Saturday night, for instance, or better/worse yet, early Sunday morning (1:30 am) when I was phoning one of the offspring to find out where they were and what time they were coming home, as the curfew was 1 am, or so we parents thought. Our clue that they would be late should have been at 12:30 am, when said child came running in just to grab a swimsuit for a hot tub at friends. (Unfortunately when you are half or fully asleep, it does not dawn on you, the parent, to ask about when they are returning to the nest.)

Well at 1:30 am I was informed that the young person was in the hot tub but would be home “pretty soon”. To which the mother, my wife, stated, “What does pretty soon mean?” The 1:45 am call to said child, let me know that they were still in the hot tub but waiting for a friend to change and another to move a car blocking ours. At 2:15 am, the response was I'll be home in a minute—which they were.

The point was that the next day when asking why the curfew of 1 am was broken, I/we were told that they were not really aware of the curfew and why didn't I tell them to come home rather ask when I should expect them. I thought 3 phone calls between 1:30 and 2:15 am would be sufficient indication that I wanted them home but next time I'll be more explicit.

Communication—use your words—is the lesson learned.

Boys will be boys

How often have you heard that line? What does it actually mean?

Well it's a stereotypical response to boys' behaviour. Though it seems true at times it does not solve any problems that may stem from the behaviour that is being observed.

Anyways, I had the opportunity to see a presentation by Barry MacDonald, author of Boy Smarts: Mentoring Boys for Success at School. The message was clear that there is a gender gap and we need to work with the schools in addressing the issues and challenges facing the teaching of boys. (Not all boys but a significant number.)

As a former teacher/principal in an all boys school (and a male and father of a boy), a lot of Barry's examples were very real to me and many in the audience. His explanations of boy behaviours are brain-based research. A lot of what he was saying about the brain and boys was not part of my education as a teacher. It explains a lot of the joys and frustrations I had as teacher of boys.

Some of things I gleaned from the talk is that in dealing with many boys their brain structure and transferring of messages from right to left brain (or visa versa) is assisted by movement. How often have we confronted a boy to have him rock back and forth, not make eye contact and generally be fidgeting? It's not out of disrespect but part of their way to make sense of the world.

Look at boys play. They tend to be aggressive in their play. They may build a tower of blocks but just as likely to knock it down. In the sandbox they become very focussed on their play with the shovel or truck or whatever and not really interacting with others.Boys, in general, need movement and longer transition times. They are not multi-taskers like their female counterparts.

Barry MacDonald's book and talk not only explained these behaviours (and related them to girls also) but gave some concrete ideas on how we as parents and teachers can work with our boys in helping them achieve success.

One of the many examples Barry gave related to boys not being as verbal as girls. In asking a question about a problem the general response maybe a one word answer.Often a good way to get talking with boys (or men) is to participate in an activity (shooting hoops, walking/running the dog, throwing a frisbee, etc.) in which words are spoken intermittently but over time there is a conversation taking place.

Barry's website is www.MentoringBoys.com

6. Conclusion to Givens of Parenting

Parenting is not an easy job. The givens of parenting as I have outlined can certainly cause us some grief if we allow them to. If we can let go and accept some of these some of the time, the heartache will be lessened.

I ended my talk with the following story from Zig Zigler a motivational speaker and author.

The story is told of a little guy valiantly but futilely trying to move a heavy log to clear a pathway to his favourite hideout. His dad stood nearby and finally asked him why he wasn’t using all his strength. The little guy assured his dad he was straining with all his might. His dad quietly told him he was not using all his strength, because he hadn’t asked him (his dad) to help.

Remember as with the little guy, you can always ask for help. You are not in this alone.

Over the years, I have learned that other parents are facing similar challenges, whether from a toddler or a teen. Our situations are not specific to us and often if we talk about some of the issues we're facing we find others have grappled with virtually the same dilemmas. We might also find that our situation isn't so bad after all.

5. Everyone is not loyal and loving at all times.

We get angry at our children and our partners. We sometimes seek revenge or retaliate when we’ve been hurt. There are times as parents that we lose our cool and get angry. That is a human condition and if it happens too often then one should be seeking help in controlling the hurtful behaviour.

These again are opportunities to express our apologies for the behaviour. As parents we are role models for our children. By saying we're sorry and showing some humility, it teaches our children that we too make mistakes and get angry but realise that we may have been too harsh or hurtful.

This brings me to a point that when we as parents are angered and within that time resort to consequences which under normal circumstances may not have issued. Often when we come upon a situation where the anger suddenly wells up in us quickly, we need to step back and take a few breaths before consequencing.

I remember in my first teaching year there was a student who could make you angry. My principal recommended that when dealing with students when we become angry that we should put our hands in our pockets and take ten breaths to calm down. Then start dealing with the situation by listening to the child.

Everyone is not loyal and loving at all times also reminds me of parents relating stories that children will sometimes in a fit of anger yell “I hate you!” They are angry and although they may express that sentiment, they, in most cases, don't mean it. When they are settled down, it is a good time to listen to them about what prompted that remark. They don't need us to go into a lecture mode.

As a parent of teens there are times that I have experienced or seen other parents dealing with teens who are not always respectful of parents especially in front of friends. It is best to turn the other cheek and perhaps tell them later that what they did was hurtful. Again, we are role models and to express our feelings allows the child or teen learn about interactions and relationships.

I have been saying we need to move on. Sometimes saying we're sorry, having a good cry and/or hug and then trying not to do that again.

Remember we must always keep trying to be loyal and loving.

4. Pain is part of life.

When we hear the word pain, we immediately conjure up notions of either physical or emotional pain. We try to protect our children from harm and pain. It’s certainly a natural instinct for us all and part of our job as a parent.

But sometimes we do need to step back and realize that we can learn from painful experiences. There are times that our children just as we do, need to hurt.

I am not advocating that we put our sons and daughters in peril but sometimes we try to mask the pain rather than face it.

We hear often about the death of pets and the first reaction is to replace the pet be it a fish, cat or dog. We do need to be more honest with children—they are much more resilient than we give them credit—and teach them how to handle the pain. With the death of a loved one or an animal they are grieving and need to go through the grieving process. If we try to mask the grief and circumvent the process we are not assisting them on a road to healthy understanding.

With physical pain, we need to comfort them, hug them, and acknowledge their pain.

Empathy not sympathy is often necessary when dealing with painful experiences.

3. Life is not always fair.

I laugh at this one because many times in my teaching career, students would say “Sir, that’s not fair” and I’d reply “Life’s not fair.”

But really think about it - as much as we try to make things more equitable and just, it does not always work out that way. Within families some children are more needy than others either from their physical or emotional make-up.

There are times however that we must accept the situation and move on. Often I see people who are dwelling on issues that cannot be changed (at least for the present). We cannot go back and undo some hurtful things.

We can as adults in a society work toward making things more just and equitable.

Sometimes with children we need to let them know that we understand that things don't seem or aren't fair.

2. Things do not always go according to plan.

Think back on your life, what were you thinking you’d be doing these days. I would not have thought 25 years ago that I would be living in Victoria—although I am very happy to be living here—or even publishing a magazine. Starting a career in education was not even my initial intention.

Some of us may have thought that we’d be married with children earlier or later. We may have planned to have fewer or more children.

Some of us may be separated or divorced and that certainly wasn’t the plan.

In many cases we need to move on and not dwell on what might have been. We need to deal with our present situation and move forward.

Our children are more resilient than we give them credit. Having been in education there were many times when parents would be upset about a change in plans at the school. Their child didn’t get the teacher they wanted or they ended up changing classes in mid year. It was more often the parents were upset than the children.

Mistakes are made. Giving permission for ourselves and our kids to make mistakes.

Sometimes I feel we as parents are over-involved with our children’s lives - we are micromanaging our kids. Their life is far more planned than ours was at their age. We have to let go and let them be kids.

Planning is good and needs to be done but if things go awry, we must learn from it.

This leads up to the next point—Life is not fair!

1. Everything Changes and Ends

Everything changes and ends

Be it relationships or situations we all go through life experiencing changes and endings.

A three year old starts pre-school, she is no longer at home everyday with Mom or Dad. Soon enough preschool has ended for her and off to elementary school and full days away from home. The change from at home to preschool to elementary school brings about feelings of excitement with the new beginnings but sometimes anxiety and hesitation about the new beginnings.

As parents we look at our child in each of the new situations and try to help them get ready for and adjust to the ending of one phase and the beginnings of a new one.

Just before we were about to have our first child, I was talking to a parent of two children aged 14 and 9. She said that the stages of life are meant to ready us for changes. The two year old with his challenging behaviour lets us look forward to having a bit of a respite when they start to preschool. Similarly we find the pre-teen is again setting up some challenges which makes everyone ready for secondary school and a bit more independence. The teen at times readies us for the later years of moving away or at least being away from home.

As much as we would like, we cannot in many cases go back to “the good old days”. Our children are growing up. We must accept the changes and allow them the growth. And most importantly we must have a life outside of our children.

As my two are nearing the end of their teen years, my wife and I are enjoying the new adult relationship with them. Certainly as our son is involved in a serious relationship, we realize we are not seeing him as much. When we do the times are generally enjoyable for both parent and son.

When you reflect on your life as a person and as a parent, you can look at many of the changes that have occurred over the years and remember them fondly (or not so fondly) but cannot really hold onto them.

This leads us to look at the next given - Things do not always go according to plan.

Five Givens of Life (and Parenting)

As the publisher of Island Parent, I spend a great deal of time thinking and talking about parenting. Before joining Island Parent I was a teacher, school administrator and a summer camp director, which meant I spent a fair amount of time working with children and parents, thus I was directly or indirectly thinking about parenting. And for nearly 20 years, I have been a parent.

When I was asked to give the keynote to this year’s Effective Parenting Workshop, I was trying to figure out some important truths about parenting that I could share. I wanted to give a resounding YES! to Parenting as implied by the workshop’s title.

As I was thinking about my speech and its message, the book called “The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them” by David Richo resurfaced. At this point, I’ll be honest and let you know that it was Allison Rees who directed me to this book in the first place when we were doing one of our radio shows (Island Parent Radio on Village 900 - www.village900.com). I was so impressed by its simple message that I ran out and bought a copy.

Within the Introduction, Richo refers to the famous prayer composed by Reinhold Niebuhr, a theologian:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.


Richo then proceeds to outline the 5 givens of life and even calls them disturbing. The unavoidable facts of life are as follows;

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. Everyone is not loyal and loving at all times.

If we accept these givens, we can let go and move on with our lives.

Over the next few days, with the five givens in mind, I would like to do some reflecting on parenting.