The Trouble with Parenting Articles

She is a mother of three aged 9, 4 and 1. A girl and two boys respectively. A bit of a balancing act especially when you've just opened a new store. She wouldn't trade them for anything in the world—in fact would love to have many more. (Maybe she loved the movie/book "Cheaper By The Dozen".)

Anyway, the point she made to me about many articles and books about parenting is that they are written as if everyone has just one child. It seems that her impression is that most of the writers have become experts with only one child. I heartily agree that many times the advice we're given is by experts and professionals who maybe are only dealing with one child.

Every situation is different. The single parent with two or more children has challenges that a parent of one does not really encounter. I know that as a parent of two with a partner there is some juggling but generally very manageable. With three or more children and even two parents it's not always easy. Sometimes it's nice for a parent to separate them all—the old divide and conquer rule.

With parenting articles, we may end up feeling guilty or incompetent because the ideas just don't work for us. As I've said before don't take them all too seriously or literally, adopt the ideas that work for you and, by all means, use your commonsense.

As much as we'd like to find there is a magic solution to our challenges—there isn't—so try your best.

Second Chance

In the June issue of Island Parent, Allison Rees writes in her Cut It Out! column about second chances. One of the things that I like about this approach is that one, it shows our children that we make mistakes and would like to have a chance to do it over—replay it in a different way—and two, that people take some responsibility for their actions.

As I've said in past blogs our generation of parents don't always model behaviours that show our children that we all make mistakes and by learning from them we grow into better human beings. Too often, we are quick to blame the other person or other people—government, businesses, etc.—instead of taking the responsibility for our actions. How do children learn if all they see is adults blaming others and not owning up to their mistakes.

You don't always have a second chance but opportunities arise that you can apologise for a certain behaviour and at least let people know what you'd do next time. A great way to teach our kids some of life's important lessons.

Unconditional Love & Unconditional Parenting

The other day I blogged about helping in the development of our children's self-esteem. One of the concepts in assisting this development is giving our children unconditional love. What does that mean or look like exactly?

In a strict sense it means not placing any conditions on the love of your children. You love them no matter what happens. You may not like what they did or how they behaved BUT you still love them.I'm not saying it's easy but in whatever interaction we have with our children, they need to know and understand that we love them. Taking away love or making love conditional on behaviour does harm to our children.

One of our forum members posted that her favourite parenting book was Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

In reading an interview with Kohn, I was struck by a number of comments he made about today's parent. He states that "The real parenting epidemic in our society is the tendency to overcontrol children." On this I would agree wholeheartedly. Too often parents seem to be looking for ways to control their children, manipulate their behaviour, and intrude on their space.

The second point that Kohn makes is that "Kids don't need us to back off and let them do whatever the hell they want, any more than they need us to control them....The real alternative to doing things TO kids is to work WITH them."

Although I have not read the book, both of the above statements resonate with me. Children are persons in their own right and as such need and deserve the love and respect that we expect to have accorded to us.

The concept of unconditional love requires a shift of thinking and acting on the part of parents. We need to rethink and reframe our responses and communication with our children.

Try to think of how to work with your children in difficult situations and they still know that they are loved.

"When your child is the least loveable, he needs the most love." (A quote that inspired my blog of May 11th.)

Give yourself a break

Don't actually know why this popped into my head. As a family we are in a good space, things are going well. I guess I often hear that parents are taking themselves too seriously and not letting go.

Often we, as parents, beat ourselves up over actions we've taken that we regret. You know the times-yelling at our children in a fit of anger, grounding our teen in the heat of the moment and other situations we'd like to forget.

If these happen on a regular or frequent basis then we maybe need to seek some help. Whether it's talking to a friend or family member to get some ideas or even to meet with a professional to discuss strategies for avoiding such actions.

However, often, these are actions are infrequent and need us to move on and not dwell on the situation. In most cases, they will not harm our children irreparably. But we dwell on it and "beat ourselves up" over it.

After apologizing and perhaps making amends in some way, we need to move on.

Here's a thought that I'd like to share from Mother Teresa:

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.

Fresh starts! Give yourself a break and your child a hug! Have a good day.

Developing Healthy Self-Esteem in our Children (2)

Yesterday I mentioned the Self-Esteem Pitfalls that Allison Rees talks about in her LIFE Seminars course entitled the Parent-Child Connection.

As parents assisting in the development of healthy self-esteem in our children Allison speaks of the 3 "A's" and then has added a fourth "A" which gives a further boost to self-esteem.

Acceptance is just that! Accepting our children for who they are and not trying to make them into replcas of ourselves or what we want them to be. Each child through nature has certain characteristics and as parents we need to accept those traits. Some children are not really interested in sports or music or art—it is not in their make-up. We can offer them opportunities to try things out but do not expect them to latch onto everything. Too often I have seen parents having unrealistic expectations of their son/daughter.

The next "A" is Affirmation. By understanding our children, knowing their interests and aptitudes allows us to give them the support and affirmation they need in developing their healthy self-esteem.

Affection is not just the hugs—although they are important—but the kindness in the way you speak and the reflective listening you exhibit with your child. Loving actions help children feel safe and accepted.

Finally Attunement is an extension of affirmation. Attunement is when you really know your child and her likes and dislikes. You understand where they are coming from with their words and behaviours. Being sincerely curious about your child's likes and dislikes, shows your interest. Watch out for stepping over boundaries with older children/youth and not being intrusive but certainly to shape you observations and questions that show your genuine care for the child as an individual person.

Unconditional love is the overriding theme for developing this healthy self-esteem in our children.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (May 27) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Developing Healthy Self-Esteem in our Children

Do you know a person who must always "win" —be the best—whether its marks in school or points in a game? They seem to base their self-view or self-importance on being the winner.

How about a person who is a perfectionist? They do not feel or seem to derive satisfaction from anything they do.

Is there a person you know that is always needing to be seen as "being good"? They need to please or impress others. It is not about being themselves but the view of others.

Chances are these people are experiencing low self-esteem. Much of what they do is not from intrinsic motivation—doing it for themselves—but from external motivations—doing it for others or what they perceive others to want.

On Island Parent Radio today, we had a lengthy discussion on self-esteem - what it means, why it is important and what parents can do to help their children develop healthy self-esteem.

A great deal comes down to communication with our children. First we need to ensure, by way of our responses and talk, that we don't encourage perfectionism, being the best or being good.

Secondly, as parents, we need to employ what Allison Rees refers to as the 4 A's.

Acceptance, Affirmation, Affection and Attunement.

I'll elaborate on these in coming blogs.


For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, tonight Tuesday May 22 at 7 pm (PST) or on Sunday morning (May 27) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

One Parent's Challenge

Flipping through the Life section of the Globe & Mail, I came across an articleBrought together by Dad's burritos, which was an excerpt from a book Dinner with Dadby Cameron Stracher. Upon Googling the name I came up with, not only the Book, but the Stracher's blog, also titled Dinner with Dad.

What I found interesting about the idea behind the book and, in part, the blog is Stracher's self-imposed challenge: "Dinner with Dad, five nights a week" for a year. He was a self-described Type A personality who was never home for dinner but on the occasion when he was in the kitchen, he quite enjoyed it.

Do we as parents need to be challenging ourselves to do something different? To break some habits that take away from our quality of family life? What is it that each of us can do, like Stracher, to give us some meaningful connection to our kids and partners?

Dads and travelling with kids

Just received an email that was stating the results of a poll by a US online magazine,Interactive Dad. The survey was about dads on airplanes with their children. Not sure what prompted the poll in the first place but 33% said they were more likely than the mother to fly alone with their kids. Those who had travelled alone with their children 73% reported that they would do it again; 20% said they would think twice before doing it again and 7% said they wouldn't.

Again I'm not sure why the poll was taken or what it means but maybe there are reasons behind more mothers doing the travelling alone with kids. I know that in our family my wife has taken several trips—for a variety of reasons— over the years with the children on her own.

I do wonder what happened with the 20% and the 7% of respondents who would not or might not travel with their children alone. What would the mothers say to them? "Suck it up and be a man—you can handle it."

Conflict Resolution

Often we are bothered by something that's going on at home with a child or partner. Most of us grew up in families that were not open to children being part of the decision-making process. The seen and not heard was generally the name of the game. More often than not we believe that it is important for children to be part of decision-making processes in order for them to learn about taking care of themselves.

Yesterday, on our radio show Allison and I were discussing Conflict Resolution and the process of family decision-making. From her parenting workshops withLIFE Seminars, Allison talks about the 5 steps of conflict resolution.

The first step is identifying the problem. What is it that is bothering you? What is the issue? Being clear on what the issue is allows you to approach the other person or people and stating clearly the problem through "I" statements. By stating how you feel about a situation and not putting any blame out there decreases the likelihood of defensiveness. It is also important throughout the process to keep focus on the problem/issue at hand and not get side-tracked.

Number to is stating needs of both sides clearly. With a child, once the problem is identified whether its the breaking of curfew for a teen or the desire of an 8 year-old to walk to school with friends, it is probably a good idea to have them state their needs first. It is important for both (all) sides to be aware of each person's needs.

Brainstorming solutions with no judgements attached is the third part. This can be an enjoyable session with silly as well as practical ideas being shared. Without judgement, each person feels safe in putting forth his/her idea of solutions to the problem.

Coming up with a plan follows the brainstorming part. What ideas are acceptable and workable for all participants. This is a time that the parent needs to step back and not try to impose his/her solution. This will only make the whole conflict resolution exercise pointless.

Follow through is the fifth step. Making sure the plan is implemented and having a future time to check that it is working for the child and parents.

Although simple in format, for those of us not comfortable or conversant with conflict resolution, it takes practice. But it is a powerful tool if used with a genuine interest in our children's emotional and social development.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, this Sunday morning at 9 am (PST) and hear the complete discussion.

Mothers Day and beyond

There was a lot in the news about Mothers last week. Of course some of it is because of the annual Mothers Day but some was related to work and mothers—that fine balancing act.

In the May 7th issue of Macleans there was an interview with Kate Fillion author of The Feminine Mistake. In the interview with Leslie Bennett, she argues that all women should work outside the home. She speaks of women's dependence upon men and how many times they are left stranded economically and emotionally because the partnership ends due to divorce, death or the man's loss of job to name three things.

Another piece about motherhood and work came in last Friday's Globe when Barbara Moses, a professional on career management wrote about the difficulties of the working mother. In many instances, Moses writes mothering and working have become extreme sports.

Fillion was very definite in her approach and certainly offered some compelling reasons for working outside the home but I did find that Moses ended by pointing out that each scenario is different and women (and men). She writes that women need to realise for themselves that "There is no perfect answer. I can't expect to have it all or feel great about everything in my life but I've thought about my options and this is what I choose and what is right now."

Whatever the answers are for individuals and families, both these articles reflect the ongoing debate/discussion of conflicted moms in our society.

Difficult times with kids

There was a Mothers Day contest on a radio station and they were asking listeners to send in a piece of advice from their mothers.

Here is one of the entries that I think is worthwhile to remember:

"When your child is the least loveable, he needs the most love."

On occasion we, as parents, find ourselves exasperated with the behaviour of our sons or daughters. During a temper tantrum in a store or being mean to a sibling. Whatever the situation, however "rotten" the behaviour, we must somehow overcome our frustration or anger and show our unconditional love for the child. Often when we're dealing with difficult children, they and we lose the sight of the fact that we love them.

This can be very difficult. It is not to say you approve or condone the behaviour but you must get beyond it and find the underlying causes.

Most of all show your disapproval for the behaviour BUT also your love for the child.

Play's the Thing

What do two Canadian Olympic medalists have in common? They are both are committed to promoting play for children. They come from two different perspectives and for differing reasons but both acknowledge the importance of play in a child's life.

Johann Koss an Olympic speed skater heads up Right To Play International. The mandate of this organization is to on helping children who are traumatized by war or living in undeveloped countries. He believes that by bringing play and sport to these children will help them in developing into physically, socially and emotionally healthy adults. Although Right To Plays focus is in the international arena, Koss has made comments about Canadians parents and children including "A lot of parents don't let their children outside in their own garden."

Play has also become the focus and passion of Silken Laumann and the subject of her best-selling book "Child's Play". Laumann cites that many of our children are inactive due to lack of physical activity and too much time watching TV, playing video games or spending time on the computer. Her Active Kids charity has been developed to help communities of parents get their children playing again.

Remember growing up with street hockey games, hopscotch and skipping, or neighbourhood games like Kick the Can or Capture the Flag. These seem to be missing from our neighbourhoods. Our parks appear to have more dogs than children. Sometimes you wonder where are all the people?

Our children need to be more active but not just in the structured leagues and sports. They need time for unstructured, creative and active play.

Recently I have seen a few ads on TV stressing the inportance of healthy activity. ACT NOW BC is an initiative that is promoting the idea that any physical activity is good for a healthy person and our community as a whole.

Take your child to the park today.

The Importance of Speaking

You enter the living room and toys and books are strewn all over the floor. Your 8 year old has left the room and is playing elsewhere. You are frustrated as this is not the first time and guests are coming for dinner in an hour and picking up is the last thing you want to be doing.

What do you do? What do you say?

Getting angry and upset is not the solution. In fact it may lead to a minor battle.

On Island Parent Radio today, Allison and I talked about such a scenario and the importance of the language you use.The speaking circle that she suggests includes the following 4 segments:Making an observation; Stating your feelings; Stating your needs; and finally Making a request.

Using the above example you can make the observation ("I see there are books and toys all over the floor"). Simply what you see with no value judgement or general comment attached. ("You are messy" or "What a mess!")

"I am frustrated." is your feeling. To say you are angry lays some guilt or puts out a negative message which may inhibit what you want the desired outcome to be.

The need part may be simply: "I need some order."

Ending with a request such as, "Please pick up these toys and books and put them in your room before 5 pm."

This all seems simple, but the speaking circle allows you to be clear with whomever you are dealing and comes from "I" statements. It avoids unnecessary conflict with people and solves some problems before they escalate.



For more on this and other parenting topics, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, Tuesday evenings at 7 pm (PST) and repeated Sunday mornings at 9 am (PST).

Dads and Fathering

The other day I was at a day long parenting conference and noticed that there were not very many dads. One dad, who happens to write for us, also made a comment about the lack of male participants.

Now I know that dads are more involved these days than they were when I was growing up but it does seem to be the moms who take on a lot of the nurturing and organizing stuff of families. But what's happening here?

I think that I have been a fairly involved father over the years and I have attended to my children's needs although I must confess that my wife tends to take on more of the parenting "tasks"—participating in school committees, organizing pick ups ort drop off, etc.—partly due to her flexibility of work schedule and partly due to her nature.

Perhaps there is a "hard-wired" aspect to all of this. Women seem to enjoy the congregating in groups (such as the parenting conference).

I'm not sure it's totally fair to look at a conference attendance and think that men are not involved with parenting. They are just involved in a different way than mothers. Most, I would contend, do not take it on as much as the female parent but definitely more than previous generations.

A quick aside but somewhat related: I was watching an NBA basketball game over the weekend and one of the commentators stated how well a player was playing on this day than at the previous game. It turns out that he got a good sleep "last night" as opposed the "other" night when he was up in the night with the baby. The commentators both recalled those days in their lives and said the dad out there on the court was probably looking forward to the away games. (I'm not sure in a former generation that the dad would be up with the baby during the playoff season.)

Little boys and their toys

I was scanning a new book about the brain (sorry I don't recall the title) but it was mentioning that it may be a fallacy that our brains are "hardwired".

Well the other day I was up Island and met a young dad with his 2 year old. I offered him an Island Parent magazine which he took but made the comment he'd love a magazine about tractors and machinery. I asked if he lived nearby to which he responded that he lived in the city but was out looking at machinery. Both dad and son were having an excursion doing men's stuff. I bet the toddler was just loving it—searching out things mechanical. Men and boys are hardwired for these types of things. (I remember as a youngster playing with cars and trucks for hours upon hours. My son too had this affinity.)

Earlier in the day a woman I had met got talking about Thomas the Tank Engine—a favorite at our house—and how her two year old is enthralled with Thomas. In fact he takes the little model to bed with him even though it is hard too cuddle.

I do think, in general, boys and girls, men and women are hardwired in certain ways. It is that combination of nature and nurture.

Teens STAND up!

You know I've been talking about teens exhibiting risk-taking and responsibility seeking behaviours in past blogs.

Last night my wife and I attended at an incredible evening put together by our daughter's STAND (Students Taking Action Now for Darfur) Group. Thsi group of fifteen or so 17 and 18 year olds put on a fundraising (awareness raising) dinner auction for about 100 guests.

The program was varied, interesting, thought-provoking and fun. There was a dinner of Ethiopian food with entertainment provided by a local Marimba band. Other aspects included a silent auction, donation table with some small items for sale, door prizes, displays depicting what the students have learned about the genocide in Darfur region of the Sudan. Towards the end was a speaker who related some of his experiences in Africa and finally a speaking and video presentation by the students.

Indeed this was a night to remember. Not only for the message that this STAND group delivered but that it was organized totally by them. Their meetings were on the weekends and in the evenings. No adult participation was involved except in seeking contacts or donations.

The event raised several thousands of dollars and was as good or better than many events I have attended over the years that are put together by professionals.

Their Principal commented to me, "See what they can do when we're not involved."

It's events like this that remind us that teens are able to take on the responsibilities that sometimes we deny them.

Step aside and let them have a go at some things, they're more than up for the challenge.