Conflict Resolution

Often we are bothered by something that's going on at home with a child or partner. Most of us grew up in families that were not open to children being part of the decision-making process. The seen and not heard was generally the name of the game. More often than not we believe that it is important for children to be part of decision-making processes in order for them to learn about taking care of themselves.

Yesterday, on our radio show Allison and I were discussing Conflict Resolution and the process of family decision-making. From her parenting workshops withLIFE Seminars, Allison talks about the 5 steps of conflict resolution.

The first step is identifying the problem. What is it that is bothering you? What is the issue? Being clear on what the issue is allows you to approach the other person or people and stating clearly the problem through "I" statements. By stating how you feel about a situation and not putting any blame out there decreases the likelihood of defensiveness. It is also important throughout the process to keep focus on the problem/issue at hand and not get side-tracked.

Number to is stating needs of both sides clearly. With a child, once the problem is identified whether its the breaking of curfew for a teen or the desire of an 8 year-old to walk to school with friends, it is probably a good idea to have them state their needs first. It is important for both (all) sides to be aware of each person's needs.

Brainstorming solutions with no judgements attached is the third part. This can be an enjoyable session with silly as well as practical ideas being shared. Without judgement, each person feels safe in putting forth his/her idea of solutions to the problem.

Coming up with a plan follows the brainstorming part. What ideas are acceptable and workable for all participants. This is a time that the parent needs to step back and not try to impose his/her solution. This will only make the whole conflict resolution exercise pointless.

Follow through is the fifth step. Making sure the plan is implemented and having a future time to check that it is working for the child and parents.

Although simple in format, for those of us not comfortable or conversant with conflict resolution, it takes practice. But it is a powerful tool if used with a genuine interest in our children's emotional and social development.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, this Sunday morning at 9 am (PST) and hear the complete discussion.