The 20/80 Rule of Life

"Do as I say!"

I think we're all agreed that this is not a good adult suggestion to guiding or teaching children.

In fact saying nothing and showing through actions is probably the best way to teach children some of life's lessons.

It was brought home to me during a recent interview on the 40 Developmental Assets, that when surveyed 80% of children/teens said that they learned about important values from watching the behaviours of adults—parents, teachers, relatives,etc. The remaining 20% felt the they did learn from the "Do as I say!" method of teaching.

It all comes back to mentoring and modelling of behaviours. It is important to have adult role models in our children's lives to teach them those positive values. Parents are most often the primary role models in a child's life.

My radio discussion with Keith Pattinson, who presents workshops on the 40 Developmental Assets, really brought home the need for we, as parents, to discuss these 40 assets with our children and find ways to help create these important building blocks of life.

Also remember it's not a test—it's a starting point.

The important "T" of TRUST

Finally we come to TIME. Making the time and taking the time are crucial aspects of creating and maintaining the trust bank account in any relationship.

As parents, making the time means that you set aside time for quality interactions between parent and child.

Taking the time means that you follow through with that commitment.

How often have you heard a person promise to do something at a specific time only to renege on the promise because something came up "that was more important". (What is more important than your child?)If a person is consistent in setting time aside for the child and following through then the odd "something came up" will not drain the trust bank account.

If, however, the something came up is a familiar phrase then first of all don't promise and second of all start finding time. Trust depends on the commitment of time.

This reminds me of Harry Chapin's song "The Cats in the Cradle" which talks about how a child learns about commitment—or more specifically the lack of commitment—from his father.Listen to the song and think about your interactions with your children. If the song rings true, you might look at ways of changing the lack of trust into TRUST by modelling the commitment of spending some quality time.

Making the TIME and taking the TIME rounds out my thoughts on the meaning (and acronym) of TRUST. It's amazing how fast that trust can be built with sincere and committed actions.

"S" is for...

...SUPPORT.

That's what we as parents do for our children. We support and nurture them. The support is from many dimensions—emotional, physical (including financial, basic needs, etc.) and spiritual—but like unconditional love it is a given.

As we look at TRUST in the raising of our children, a lot comes back to mentoring and modelling behaviours that we as parents exhibit so that our children grow into capable, caring contributors to community (Michael Ungar's terminology). By giving unconditional love and support, our children learn from the mentor—the parent—what it feels like to have the support and love in life and therefore is able to give that same sense to others as they mature.

Just as many abused children may become abusers, a child who has grown in a household that is based upon TRUST becomes a trusted individual in personal and family relationships as well as in the greater community.

In my next blog I will conclude with what I feel is an essential "T".

The "U" in TRUST stands for...

...Unconditional Love.

Now with Covey's 5 Waves of Trust for individuals, groups and businesses—Self, Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust—unconditional love will not make sense. But as parents, part of our children's trust in us comes from an unconditional love that we have for our offspring. Therefore the "U" representing unconditional love in the first two waves—Self and Relationship Trust—works in the realm of the family.

If we place conditions on our love for our child that surely breaks down the foundation of trust. How can a child trust us if they feel or believe there are conditions attached to our love for them?

I propose that Unconditional Love with self and our relationship to our children is paramount to TRUST in family situations.

The "R" of TRUST

Yesterday I started to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T

Today the "R" word comes into play. I'd say RESPECT is one of the important aspects of trust. And here's where I sometimes I have a bone to pick with adults in general— parents and teachers in particular. Respect is a two way street. I often hear a parent or teacher asking for respect but not always willing to reciprocate that respect. Just because a person is a child or younger doesn't mean that they too don't deserve respect. Respect isn't about calling a person with the designation of Ms., Mr., Mrs., or whatever, it's about an attitude and a deserved feeling. Over the years, I have heard children using first names of teachers that they truly respected and others using the "title" of Mr., Ms., Sir, and Madam with no feeling of respect attached.

With Self-Trust and Relationship Trust, respect for self and others is really a critical piece. Again if you do not in a sense respect yourself or others how will you in fact engender trust.

T•R•U•S•T and what it all means

Does your child trust you? Being a parent I hope your answer an unequivocal yes.

But still let's look at trust and see where we all stand.

Remember back to that newborn in your arms, she was very trusting. She had no reason to be otherwise. Over time, does that trust fade and if so, what causes it to diminish? Can we resurrect that feeling of parent-child trust or has it slipped away forever.

After reading Stephen M.R. Covey's book titled The Speed of Trust, I have been doing a great deal of thinking about TRUST and how it plays out in families. Covey talks about the 5 waves of trust with reference to people in businesses and organizations. These waves emanate from Self Trust and continue out through four more waves—Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust.

I believe that we, as parents, can gain a great deal from looking at the first two waves—Self Trust and Relationship Trust—in our daily dealings with our children, our spouses and other relationships.

Over the next week I'm going to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T and by doing so, give it some meaning in the world of families.

I chose TRUTH as the first "T". To fully have self trust or to be trusted by others, one must be truthful in all of their dealings. Being credible instills trust within ourself and with others.

Think of how you have felt when you learned that someone you trusted had lied to you or withheld the truth. That TRUST bank account becomes depleted rather quickly.

TRUTH is a great part but not the only of condition of TRUST.

Let go and let them grow.

One of my themes over the past while was first taken from Michael Ungar's book Too Safe for Their Own Good.

Raising CAPABLE, CARING CONTRIBUTOR'S to their COMMUNITY is a 4 C'S goal to which we, as parents, should be aspiring. It should be our new mantra. It should be our New Year's Resolution.

(Michael's interview with me will be aired on Village 900 this Sunday January 6th at 9 am. You can check out his book in the sidebar to the right.)

Recently, I interviewed parent educator Kathy Lynn for Island Parent Radio (airing in September) and was struck by the similar message of raising our children (from toddlers to teens) to become capable adults. She makes some great points about how we, as parents, need to give them a chance to develop life skills from an early age. There is even a list of some chores children can handle from the two-year-old on up. Kathy's book is also one of my recommendations for parents of toddlers to teens.

A two-year-old? Think of some things that your two year-old could handle with your assistance.

I often hear parents—Moms especially—saying they like doing things for their children or worse still that they don't feel their older child is capable of making their lunch or a teen to do his laundry. What our we teaching them if we don't start with some independence.

It seems to me that some parents want to keep their children at a certain stage. It doesn't do the child any good and in the end the parent often suffers from the rebellious teen.

Do something for your child this year - let go and let them grow. You and your child will benefit greatly.