Actions speak louder than words

As I was preparing for a workshop on Trust, which I have written about in my blogs before, I came across a brilliant quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It hit me like a brick. It is a powerful statement that we as parents and adults need to remember as we deal with our youth.

It reflects the meanings of commonly known quotes like:

Actions speak louder than words.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

These are wise sayings but sometimes I think we forget about the impression we are creating in our children's and teen's minds when we try to "cheat" the system. Small lies about ages of a child/teen to save money on a ticket (to a show, on a bus or ferry, or for whatever the age specific ticket may be) tell our youth that it's okay to lie in order to get a better price. What about being charged less for an item at the grocery store or in a restaurant and not saying anything to the server? What's our message here?

As parents, we're trying to set examples.

As parents, we're trying to be role models.

As parents we need to remember this:

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."

The importance of listening

"Are you listening or waiting to speak?"

There is a profound difference between the two and often I catch myself doing the latter instead of the former.

As parents if we stepped back and truly listened we would actually find out more about our children and their thoughts than by asking questions. So often our questions are answered with one syllable words or grunts or if the replies are truly in sentence form, we jump in with comments or more questions.

Sometimes we need to just stop talking and listen.

Silence can be a golden opportunity that might be filled by a child's or teen's voice about what is important to them.

Try listening and hold off on the speaking.

A Parent's "Bucket List"

Recently I saw the movie "The Bucket List" starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. On reflection I felt it provided a TWO messages for parents.

Sitting atop the Pyramids, Morgan Freeman's character poses a question to Jack Nicholson's character. He stated that the ancient Egyptians believed that when they died, they were asked two questions before they could pass onto eternal life.

1. Have you ever experienced true joy in your life?

2. In your life, have you ever brought anyone else joy?

These questions struck me as one of those lessons or goals in life where we as parents model behaviours for our children about "living and giving." Question #1 concerns how we actually "live" our own life while question #2 relates to the way we "give" to others.

The second thought that I had on viewing the movie was the importance of setting some goals in our lives as individuals and as parents. These goals, as Freeman's character said, are not about specifically about money or property but about outcomes or experiences we would like to have or share with others. Again it is about "living and giving."

When I thought about the idea of a bucket list, I was a little stumped as to what I would put on it. The two characters in the movie brainstormed a list and then went out to check off the each accomplishment.

I invite you to share an idea from your parental bucket list by posting a comment.

Greeting Ritual

Think about times when you pick up your child from school. The natural inclination fro you is to ask...

"What did you do today?" "How'd you do on the spelling test?" "Do you have any homework?" Yada yada yada.

It is late at night and your teen needs a ride home. You're ticked off and tired and would rather be at home. Your usual response when you pick him/her up is...

"Why didn't you call earlier?" "You are 15 minutes later than I asked for you to be home.""What did you do tonight?"

Here's an idea that Allison Rees mentioned at a recent taping of our radio show - she calls it the greeting ritual.Author Gordon Neufeld refers to it as "the collecting dance" It's about getting in your child's face in warm and inviting ways.

When you greet your child or teen, don't ask the usual questions that they're tired of hearing or don't give the normal lecture. Don't ask them questions or give them lectures that make them "roll their eyes."

Try something different!

Adopt the greeting ritual.

Tell them a joke or a funny story. Quote an interesting fact that you heard. Tell them something interesting about your day.

Connection with your child or teen is the most important thing in developing the long term goals of parenting.