What would you do...

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" Robert Schuller

There are times that I am just struck by a quotation or saying. The above quote certainly struck me at the time as thought provoking.

Too often as adults, parents and children, we may hold back and not try something from the fear of failure.

The other day I was at a lunch and the speaker, Michael Losier, was speaking about the Law of Attraction. He talks about 1) having desires, 2)giving them attention, energy and focus and finally 3) allowing it. The allowing things to happen is the most crucial of the three steps. Losier defined allowing as the absence of doubt.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? is essentially disregarding or discarding the doubt. That niggling reaction when you are about to start a project or try something new is doubt creeping in. Failure to accomplish follows that niggling feeling — that doubt.

Taking some positive steps as a parent, making some of the desires become a reality is really about feeling in control of your actions and putting the energy forth with no doubt that you can accomplish the task or succeed in achieving the original wish.

When we are dealing with our children's dreams we must be positive in our response and find ways to help them. Throwing "doubt" into the mix may erode self-esteem or parent/child trust.

Death of a child

It seems that yesterday I was reminded of a youth's death a number of times. As I was up in the Shawnigan area, both the Arena and the Secondary School had messages to the family of Nick a fifteen year old who was hit by a car last week on his way home from school. No rhyme nor reason for it, seems like he was at the wrong place on the road at the wrong time.

Many years ago, a 14 year old student whom I had taught was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. There really was no one to blame.

I can't imagine the pain and anguish that the death of a son or daughter brings to the parent. I have lost my parents and felt that pain but they were older and had lead long and happy lives. I remember Barbara Coloroso, in one of her talks, mentioning it is not the norm for a parent to outlive her/his son or daughter. It happens but is not the usual cycle of life.

As parents when we here of tragic accidents or illnesses resulting in the death of a child, we all experience a shared grief with the parents. We become in a sense a community of parents reaching out directly or indirectly with our quiet thoughts of compassion.

To Nick's family and friends, our thoughts are with you.

Spying on your kids. Where is the trust?

I was just shown a CBS News Video, The Secret Lives of Teens, which depicts a very situation in which parents have gone to extraordinary lengths. It was very disturbing to me and my colleagues.

Parents of a sixteen year old girl had resorted to spying on their daughter in every conceivable way. Through current available technology, they are entering her life and tracking her every online thought and word. They have set up video surveillance that is reminiscent of CSI operations. And where will it all lead? I suspect that when the daughter finds out and she will find out any trust (and perhaps love) between them will be blown to smithereens.

Bringing up our children in this world does have its challenges. Some children and teens do test the limits of risk with their experimentation with sex, drugs, gangs, the Internet, etc. But how has this couple come to the place that they have resorted to the surveillance technology to invade their child's world. I would contend that they will not win the war here by violating all rules of boundaries but will enlarge the chasm between themselves and their daughter.

Instead of busting all boundaries by this treacherous display of mistrust and invasive behaviours on the parents' part, they should be embarking on engaging their daughter in conversations about risk and responsibility as outlined in Michael Unger's book, TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD (published by McLelland & Stewart), which I spoke about in my blog Risky Behaviours on April 1st of this year and continued in my blog on April 2nd.

I'd love to hear what you think about the video.

Parent as Mentors

As our children grow older they are looking at us more as mentors and role models than as caregivers and rule makers. I am presently facilitating a group of parents of teens and as I listen to their thoughts and challenges, I realise the importance of role-modelling.

It's no longer a "do as I say" world, which I suspect it has never been. Actions do speak louder than words and if whatever you say is in contradiction to to how you act, the action part will overrule the verbal part. It is so important that as parents—actually as anyone—that our verbal and nonverbal messages are consistent.

I had the pleasure of having lunch with Barbara Coloroso last week when she was in Victoria. Her life is a true example of the verbal being consistent with her actions. Her latest book, Extra Ordinary Evil, is just another demonstration of her commitment and passion for not only children but all of humanity. During our conversation, she spoke of a recent trip to Dubai and how the children growing up in this incredibly wealthy nation maybe hearing about concepts of respect but are not seeing it in action. She gave examples of how young elementary school children treated others including teachers so poorly and disrespectfully.

In some respects, her experience in Dubai is more devastating than the conditions in Rwanda.

What are we teaching our children?

Good and Bad Language of Parenting

Perhaps we should discard the words good and bad from our parental vocabulary.

In this month's Cut It Out! (November 2007) column in Island Parent, Allison Rees of LIFE Seminars writes about The Good Child. She starts by saying that “Effective parents produce normal children, not "good" children.”

It's all in the words and how we use them. To talk about a good boy or girl does not really say anything to our children. They only learn to comply or seek praise. There is no real development in their psychological realm.

Our language to children needs to be sincere and interactive. Talking about them or their behaviour being good or bad implies judgement. Too often I hear parents talking to their children in a way to manipulate situations in the parent's favour, not allowing the child to be more independent, more curious.

Then when we talk with a child or youth, we start to use language which invites their participation. When looking at a piece of art work, describe what you see or what is interesting to you about it. Let the child tell you why she created it or used certain colours, materials, etc. All of these do not imply judgement—they do not scream good or bad.

I often cringe when I hear somebody remark about a good boy or good girl. (I know that I used to use those words with my children but I now realize how limiting and meaningless are these statements.)

Next time before you utter the words GOOD or BAD, try to think of another way to say it that produces a dialogue and interesting interchange of ideas. A way to let you know what the other person is really thinking.