Your Child's Health Affected by Your Stress

It's funny but sometimes you see the results of a study and think that's a "no brainer." Last week in the Globe & Mail there was an article titled Mom, you're making me sick about the relationship between parental stress and children's health. The article began by discussing the findings of a research project by the University of Rochester which found that there was a relationship between parents with more worries and their children's health.

Parents these days seem to be stressed out and I find that they are caught up in the fact that their children must be involved, registered and enrolled in the right activities, teams and schools. The notion of "keeping up with the Jones's" has been kicked up to a higher level.

It is no wonder that kids may be feeling a little worse for wear these days. When do they have time to play with all the interfering adults controlling their every waking minute. Not everyone is caught up in the frenzy but certainly a good number.

Not only are the monetary costs high but so are the emotional costs. Parents may be working non-stop to pay the fees but they are also doing the running around to get their children to the various activities schools or whatever. A book that I've just scanned but may be a worthwhile read is Pause: Putting the Brakes on a Runaway Life byKatherine Gibson, a Victoria writer, educator and speaker (and I believe from what I have read a mother too!)

I feel I keep harping on the fact that we, as parents, need to be role models for our children in this harried, frenzied world. We need to show them a view of life that has more to it than the running around, being involved in more than we can actually have time for and not stopping to smell the roses and enjoy life.

Pause. Hug your children. Do something different today to show them what life should be like.

Spanking - What do you think?

In a recent article in the Globe & Mail, Diane Flacks refers to a poll commissioned by that newspaper to find out what people think of corporal punishment (i.e. spanking). Presently there is legislation or a proposal for such a law before the Canadian Parliament asking that corporal punishment be added to the list of offences in the criminal code. (There is also some reference to bullying in this proposal.)

This may be seen as a difficult question because some people may argue that there are some extenuating circumstances where the last resort may be a spanking. Usually, I have seen that the extenuating circumstances are a frustrated parent at his/her wit's end and not finding a workable solution.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

By the way, if you didn't read the article by Diane Flacks, 42% of the respondents felt spanking was okay.

Success by 6

This morning I attended a breakfast hosted by the Success By 6, South Vancouver Island. This organization has a mandate of supporting communities working together so that young children have access to programs and services that support their healthy growth and development.

One of things that I took away with me from the various speakers were that up to 25% of children from all socio-economic backgrounds are not ready for school (40% in some areas).This did not totally surprise me since I used to deal with children entering the Kindergarten year of a school and found that a certain percentage were not developmentally ready for this step. For healthy beginnings, in our present society, we need to be supportive of parents in many ways. They are under a great deal pressure either as single parents or parents both working outside the home.

Another point that I knew—both intuitively and, perhaps, from experience—was that language development in children is related to exposure from birth both in speaking with the child and reading to the child. Developing a bond with your child through regular reading times (bedtime comes to mind as ideal)and speaking to them increases their facility with language and vocabulary. Not all households necessarily set these aspects of child-raising as a priority.

A final point made was that our parks and playgrounds seem to be used more for walking our dogs than playing with our children. One such project funded by Success By 6 Peninsula Play Spaces is developing an informational map that highlights great spaces on the Peninsula with tips for what parents can do with their children at these parks. (That map is just being printed but should be out within the month.) They are hosting 3 Park Play Days which you can find on our calendar in May. We often assume that parents know what to do with their children in all situations. This is not always the case.

To help our children have the best possible chance we need to spend time with them to develop their mind body and spirit through simple activities such as speaking and reading to them on a regular and frequent basis and engaging them in outside play.

A Dad's Solutions to the World's Little Problems

It's so long ago that my kids were teething, learning to walk, being potty trained, starting school, and now even learning to drive, that I love to hear the trials and tribulations of a new dad. How does one handle the crying baby when he/she is cranky from teething? I do remember walking them in their strollers or even taking them for a drive which usually put them to sleep. (Once we ended in Friday Harbour on San Juan Island (USA) when we were out for a soothing drive, but that's another story.)

I think I did try having a baby in a seat on a dryer because the hum and vibrations would lull them into a sound sleep but that may just be my imagination creating those fond memories of the good old days.

One thing I do remember is waking up from a sound sleep with one of my children asleep on my chest.

Back to the problem at hand, we have lots of advice given to us about how we should (or should not) solve our situation but often the solution comes to us out of the blue. As the new Dad says it just allows us to keep one step ahead because as we know the solutions don't always last.

Not Always According to Plan

On my drive to work today, I heard a piece about a single father buying a condo for his 5 and 7 year-olds. (In fact they were part of the buying process.)

The idea behind the segment is that with the ever-rising costs of housing in the Lower Mainland (Vancouver area) and on the Island one solution (if you have the money) is to purchase a property now so that your children can afford to remain in the vicinity in 15 - 20 years. The condo will be rented out to help pay the mortgage, strata fees, taxes, etc. A noble thought.

The father was thinking ahead to ways of providing for his children. He said that he wanted his children to remain in the area and not even go away to university.

I was having a bit of difficulty with the concept of planning the children's life with these types of expectations.Earlier in my blogs, I mentioned that David Richo spoke in his book "The Five Things We Cannot Change..." about people needing to accept that things do not always go according to plan and things change.

Children need to have goals and aspirations of their own, not those of their parents.

This father has made an investment to assist his children in financial ways down the line. That is not a bad thing. What he needs to know is that the investment may not be realised in the way he envisioned. As much as he would like his children to be in close proximity to him, it may not be in his children's future.

As my children enter young adulthood, I realise that they are embarking down paths that may not find them close to home. That's okay. (I moved thousands of kilometres from my home some 20 years ago and I am sure my parents would have liked me to be closer.)

Two Many Choices

A few days ago, I was speaking with my brother back East. During the conversation he mentioned hearing a radio conversation about the idea that this society has too many choices and it is not making people any happier. I would even say that is mentally paralysing for some.

I decided to Google “Two Many Choices” and got 36,700,000 references to those words. I clicked on three or four references on the first page. Quickly scanning them I found one was about choice of web sites for downloading photos; one referred to the overabundance of choice related to medical/drug plans for seniors; a third was a book review from 2000 whcih seemd too far back for me; and I stopped when I found one thoughtful piece from reasononline.

The article mentioned a number of books studies where the more choice given people resulted in less decisive action. But it went on to comment that for many people we have assistance in choosing and so for many people there really is no inertia or paralysis happening.

How does this relate to parenting?

I feel that there are a great many options out there for parents. What are the best ways to diaper your child? What preschool or school will he/she go to? Too many options and choices are out there for the everyday and the long term.

A lot about making choice is having a vision of what you and your partner want for your family. Your values are also an integral part of the vision and making informed choices. By relying on our vision, intuition and our values, it is often easier to make decisions.

Parental Habits

Just came across a book I've had for a number of years titled IF ONLY I'D SAID THAT (Volume II) by Peter Legge. In it he has a page entitled Make It A Habit. In some other readings, I have been thinking how we get into habits with our children. Some are good habits such as spending time with them in a variety of activities—regular play times, walks, bike rides, family game nights, whatever—and some may be deemed negative—nagging, scolding, lecturing ad nauseum. By practicing on a regular basis we can and do change our habits.

Michael Ungar challenges parents to Do Something Different. We get in the habit of doing things in certain ways. Perhaps we should look at the habit that has developed and determine if we can approach the situation in a different way.

To end off, here's one of Peter Legge's suggestions which I think is worth making a habit with our family and friends.

Make it a habit to tell people how you feel about them.
If you don't, they simply will never know.

Old Dad, New Dad

Well I guess I can be classified as an old dad. In the past couple of days I have met with some new dads and it doesn't quite seem like yesterday that I was there. An advertiser dropped by with baby in tow (12 weeks old) and we all were quite enthralled by the cute sleeping bundle in her car seat. It takes you back to those days but they are in the distant past. My how time flies!

A few days back I was meeting with a fellow with whom I have worked in the past but he was childless then. Now he's father of a 3 year old and 3 month old, reading our magazine, blogging about his perspectives on fatherhood.It takes me back to the old days of having kids that age but my mind may reflect more fondly than the actual experience—not that we didn't enjoy them thoroughly.

It's the stages of parenting that are really exciting, albeit challenging at times. The preschool years lead you through to the excitement of elementary school and its array of activities. Soon enough your child has not only been through high school but is on to post-secondary experiences. It's been a great trip and still going on.

From an old dad, remember to enjoy your children each stage, they really are precious years.

Parents of Teens

Last night I participated in a forum at a Middle School which was for parents of tweens or young teens. There were some great questions about how do we deal with our new teen in situations concerning cell phone use, computers and the internet, risky behaviours, etc.

I mentioned a couple of books that I would recommend highly (and have done so in past blogs).

Too Safe For Their Own Good: How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive by Michael Ungar. This is a great book for parents of teens to help them navigate through these years more easily. Lots of helpful hints with sections on how to think and do things differently when we seem to be caught in a rut.

The other book that I would recommend for parents of boys is Boy Smarts by Barry MacDonald. Great hints and ideas for engaging boys in meaningful communication and helping them grow up as confident mature young men.

Hope these are helpful in your journey as a parent of teens.

Parent Role Models

On the topic of adult role models, what can parents do to ensure that their kid has that kind of support when you reach the place where they don't see you as a role model anymore? (This is a question that came from parents at a forum I will be attending this evening.)

I do believe that parents are role models for their children, forever. When we lose the respect of our children the role model has switched to being a negative one. Remember children and teens are looking for the opportunity to be independent, more mature and respected. If we as parents and adults don't give them the respect they are looking for and the opportunity to be more responsible and take some risks, then yes they will look elsewhere for role models—adult or peers—to fulfill their need.

Often when my children and their friends were younger teens (and to this day), we would hear references to what a parent thought, said or did in a respectful not derogatory way. Teens may not always say it to your face but they do love and respect the parent if they feel that love and respect in return. When we try to control their behaviours and become overly intrusive in their lives, then they do turn from us.

Sometimes it feels like a balancing act but we can be role models for our children/youth if “we walk our talk”.

Parenting Styles - Adolescent Bullying & Victimization

That's quite a title! But here are the results from the study I referred to the other day about parenting's relationship to bullying—both bully and victim. First of all this was from a thesis by UVic student Alison Read. The survey of 664 adolescents between the ages of 12 and 19 was called the Healthy Youth Survey.

What I found interesting is that the researcher spoke of three parenting behaviours: parental psychological control, parental support and parental monitoring.

The first refers to parents being controlling in psychological ways—restricting autonomy, withdrawal of love or affection, manipulation of thoughts and feelings. These are points that have been made in my discussions on not allowing the youth to have certain risk in their lives.

The other two behaviours relate to the affection and support the parent has for their teen and how much they know about where the child is and who he/she is hanging out with. Both of these for me relate to how open the relationship and communication is between the parent and the youth. I would say that from the survey the monitoring is not of an intrusive sort but merely having a good idea of the youth's whereabouts.

The survey found that there is a direct corelation between higher levels of parental psychological control and higher levels of youth bullying and victimization. There was even a reference to the fact that this relationship is pronounced with fathers.

Both from the parents who model more supportive and/or monitoring behaviours with their teens the adolescent is less likely to be a victim or a bully.

From my experience in schools, I can see that where there have been victims of bullying the parents seem to have been more controlling and over-involved. When I mentioned moderation with the monitoring behaviour, I see that if it becomes intrusive that is a tendency to over-controlling and the child may end up either lying to the parent or become overly dependent on the parent which may lead to consequences that this study supports.

Parenting Types (continued)

Last time I spoke of the dismissive parent and the disapproving parent. Both are traps we sometimes get into when dealing with our children's feelings and emotional issues.

The laissez faire parent is not really responsive to the feelings but more from a sympathetic rather than empathetic way. The feelings take over and the parent is almost gushing about the feelings. One bit of caution is that the laissez faire parent allows his/her own boundaries to be violated. As this type of parent, you allow the emotions to take over completely and then you may end up snapping. (Allison and I got into a talk on the show about passive-aggressive behaviour and I feel that the laissez faire type of parent may have these tendencies.)

What we are striving towards is the parent as the emotion coach. This type of parenting models effectively the ways to deal with the feelings expressed by our children. We talk about the feelings and what may have ccaused them. We don't sweep them under the rug or chastise our child for expressing them.

First of all we listen to our child to understand what the feeling is and what may be the underlying cause. Our daughter used to get very sleepy, saying she was tired for no apparent reason. Soon we realised that she was feeling sad or upset about things and this was how she coped with that feeling. It took awhile but with our children, the patterns may be telling us something that their words are not.

Again, the stress as a parent is on keeping the communication open and really listening to your child by re3flecting on their words or feelings by restating his/her words to get a sense of what has caused the feeling.

For more on this listen in on Island Parent Radio on Sunday April 15th at 9 am (PST) on Village 900 (AM) or www.village900.com.

Next time I will be talking about the relation between parent types and bullying that I referred to the other day.

Parenting Types

A few weeks back I was attending a lunch meeting in which the speaker was talking about types of people that we sell to. It reminded me of the Myers-Briggs questionaire that determines your personality type. These ideas about personality types are very helpful when we are dealing with other people whether in a sales relationship, business relationship or family relationship. What is the person like? How do they respond to information? What are their particular needs in whatever the relationship?

This week on the radio show Allison and I discussed John Gottman's 4 types of parents with respect to dealing with emotion with our children. Again this type of information can be useful in understanding how we deal with certain situations surrounding emotions and feelings. (And we don't always deal with feelings and emotions very well due in part to our own upbringing.)

The four categories that Gottman laid out were as follows: The Dismissive Parent, The Disapproving Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent and The Emotion Coach. Not sure if these can be categorized in a continuum or quadrant format but the main point is that we as parents should be aiming at being emotion coaches for our children.

The Dismissive Parent is basically the parent who dismisses the child's feelings as not important. They do not empathize with the child or assist in understanding what the feeling is and what causes it. This leads to the child being confused about her/his feelings and learning to mask or hide them.

The Disapproving Parent goes a bit farther than merely dismissing the feelings as irrelevant but actually makes the child feel bad about having the feelings at all.

Both of these parents may use words such as “Get over it!” or “Buck up, be a man.”

Sometimes as parents, especially if we are not comfortable with our own feelings, we slide into one of these parent types. If the pattern is consistent then there may be trouble down the road for the child in understanding and dealing with feelings.

I will follow up with Laissez Faire Parents and The Emotion Coach in coming blogs.

Re-inventing the wheel of parenting

It's funny how we all go through similar experiences as parents.

Was talking with another Dad today—both of us having older teens—and the conversation turned to a discussion of what our children are up to and thinking about for their futures. It's an exciting time with teens in later high school or college to see how their are starting to plan out their future.

When I look back over the years, I see how exciting times were when our children were starting to talk and walk. Their first days of school were the centre of our attention. Many playground or parking lot discussions were held about the things that were happening to our sons and daughters. Often you would hear a comment like “Oh, my son did that!” or “My daughter said the same thing.”

Sometimes comparisons were made but often times it was a reassurance that we're on the right track and that the behaviour is normal.

As young parents, there is sometimes doubt cast on our abilities to parent and that we weren't given the tools to parent. We do have the experience of having been children ourselves and if we look back to our childhood, sometimes we will see the good aspects of our parents style.

Today I reminded my friend that some of the difficulties they are experiencing with their teen is behaviours that we exhibited as teens. We may not like it but it's for some part of growing up. The lesson is to learn to listen to our children's needs and not be trying to solve their problems. To grow, we need to be challenged as people and as parents. Life is not always easy.

One of the things that I think is lacking with some parents is commonsense. It's great to seek advice and read up on things but the use of commonsense will often get you through the rough patch.

Bullies and Parenting

After blogging about Barbara Coloroso's new book on bullying being connected to genocide, I heard on the news today about a recent study at UBC on the relationship between parenting and bullying. In a nutshell the study reported that there is a corelation between parents who control their children and their children either becoming easy targets or actually becoming bullies. I suspect the reason for the two opposing outcomes lies partially with the temperament of the child.

I suspect that bullying must have some underlying roots to the upbringing of the child who is both a bully and in some senses a target of bullies. It is definitely complicated but when we look at what goes on at home and out in the playground there may certainly be some comparisons to be made. I'll try to track down the study as having heard a snippet does not do it justice.

Thoughts on bullying

This past weekend there was an piece in the Globe & Mail's Focus section entitled School Tyrants Unchecked by Judith Timson. The article was talking about Barbara Coloroso's newest book “Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of Genocide” and how her premise is that bullying (the topic of one of her other books) can lead to genocide.

This seems to quite a leap of ideas but certainly one to think about. I, often, as a teacher, thought of bullying as being an issue of self-esteem and power. That the bully was trying to show off his/her superiority but in reality was masking a sort of inferiority complex—an issue of self-esteem. Some experts, Ms. Timson interviewed or quoted, talk of genocide as being anb issue of one group being afraid of another group. The Rwanda genocides come to mind as the inspiration for Coloroso's ideas and book.

Barbara feels that the act of genocide is the extreme of bullying. She also talks of the youth factor in genocide. Recently I saw the film “Un Dimanche in Kigali” which was centered around the time of the Rwandan genocide and in it there were a great many youth involved in this horrific time. I see where Ms. Coloroso is heading although I haven't read her book. She talks about the “bully circle”—the instigators, the targets and the bystanders—and how if we can change the dynamic of these three components the bullying can and will stop. She contends that to change the reactions of the bystanders to be better resisters will aid in deterring the bullying behaviour. She stretches the point to say that if in the bigger world, bystanders become better resisters and stand up to the tyrants, genocide can be stopped.

One thing that I can see is that we do need, in a civilized society, need to talk about the issues and teach our children to be more human and compassionate. It all starts at home with our support as parents and our understanding of our children's needs. The youth component in genocide reflects the ideas that were expressed in recent blogs that youth need to be accepted and taking more control of their lives. They gravitate to the “gang” mentality when they are frustrated by the adult roadblocks and controls of their risk-taking,

A Dad's Thoughts on Gratitude

I love listening to other dad's and what they are thinking about their kids and their relationships. This month in Island Parent, our Dadspeak columnist is Alan Poole. I have known Alan for a few years now, partly through Island Parent Radio as a guest and partly through his position at Camosun College where he deals with the Sports Events and Athletes (my son being one).

This month Alan writes about two fathers and their perspectives on fatherhood. Then he goes on to say that the difference between the two can be attributed to their outlook on learning and being open. Finally he asks the reader to reflect daily on 5 things that they are grateful about for a month and then reflect on it. There's a challenge for us all. (Alan doesn't restrict the thoughts to family or relationships but whatever you feel grateful about.)

Well here goes but I am going to reflect on things related to family relationships.

1) I am grateful that our son bought a Wii recently (an interactive nintendo game) and it is in the family room. Not something I'd be grateful about but it has over the past week brought us together as a family in playing some fun interactive games. By being together we can also share thoughts about our day etc.

2) My two children are presently exploring ideas about next year and what they may be doing with their lives. With our daughter the ideas change almost daily while our son has come to a conclusion that he needs to move on to another city for University. I am grateful that they are feeling that they need to experience some new challenges in their lives and sharing their thoughts with us.

3) Island Parent has truly brought me into contact with many wonderful people. I am grateful for the people I work with but also the people I deal with on a regular basis—readers, advertisers, business associates. I enjoy my work day and it is really because of the contact I have with some great people.

4) I am grateful for the support of my wife over the years. Without that support and openness to new directions, we would not be where we are. Too often we are held back by the “what if's” of life. I certainly would be still in school administration and not enjoying my second, third or fourth career.

5) I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been presented with over the years and the support of many in the path I have chosen. It is fun to think of what would have happened if one had taken a different path not with regret but with the curiousity of the unknown destination. Reminds me of Robert Frost's poem “The Road Not Taken”.

How-To-Books on Parenting and ....Life

I have to admit I love to pick up the latest book “How-To-Book”. Whether it's on parenting, business or management, self-help, whatever...well, I don't tend to pick up those concerned with building, gardening, maintenance and repairs.

Anyways, I find that I do not adopt what the author is saying as the only way to go on the topic. I'm bit skeptical of the only one way approach to life but I usually find helpful information in various approaches and adopt what I feel is right for me in my particular situation. When I was reading Michael Ungar's book, he certainly mentioned that there are differing styles of parenting and—my interpretation here—depending upon the situation, the child's temperament, the parent's mood, etc., we deal with things in ways that feel good (or sometimes unfortunately not so good).

Brings me back to self-help books. I truly believe that you can pick up some worthwhile ideas on parenting or other life lessons without the need to go over the top. It seems that like New Year's Resolutions, people, will go all out with a particular method of behaving for a short period of time and then lapse into old habits. Well, I'm not sure about the old habits. I do find that by trying out differing behaviours you have changed your repertoire of reactions and hopefully have learned some new ways.

Often by just looking at a situation from a different framework, you will see new solutions to old problems. Whether you have gained a new insight from a self-help book or by listening more closely to your child or partner or hearing a speaker lecture on some topic, you take away from it a new and fresh perspective.

When dealing with a child or teen today, see if you can change the way you react. Think of other angles to look at the problem. In fact, perhaps, let them solve the problem.

As found in Michael Ungar's book (see previous blogs) Try Something Different. It may surprise you that it works too or even better than what you were going to do.

Maybe even pick up a self-help book and scan it for some ideas.

Risk-taking & Responsibility-seeking

I recommend you get your hands on a copy of Dr. Ungar's book TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD (published by McLelland & Stewart). Lots of great thoughts and inspirations for parents of any teen or pre-teen.

Yesterday I was in a meeting and the discussion turned to our teens. I had just mentioned our daughter had come back from Costa Rica with the travel bug. She then spoke of her 18 year-old who is travelling in Australia with three friends. Here we are looking at young adults embarking on their life journey as adults, taking on the world and trying out new and different experiences. One of the interesting comments from the mother was how her daughter talks or writes about the incredible people she is meeting. The experience of meeting new and different people in a differnet country. This girl had not travelled a great deal and felt that a country like Australia (same language) would be easier to navigate as their are some health concerns (which had held her back in the past). Now she's ready to “conquer” Europe.

As our children grow and mature, we may be a little saddened to see them leave the nest but happy to see that they have the confidence to go out into the world and explore it on their terms. We parents need to give our children a little rope and freedom from an earlier age to let them meet the challenges that await them.


(Our interview with Dr. Michael Ungar on Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com)

Risky Behaviours (continued)

The conversations we as parents have with teens (and children) need to be respectful and enlightening. Dr. Ungar, in our radio interview, writes in his book that we need to change our language to show our care and genuine curiousity.

How many times have you asked your teen (sometimes pre-teen) a question about their day and received a grunt for a reply. The one word answers to our questions, certainly do not really count as a two-way conversation. But we adults often try the closed question like “How was your day?” to receive the obligatory one word answer of a grunt.

To be genuinely curious is to elicit answers that give our children the opportunity for our teens to let us know, in a non-threatening way, what they are doing and thinking. Michael talks in his book suggests that if we are to have new perspectives about our children we need to use new language.

Five points he makes are:

1) Don't tell, share. Share information about an adult's life experience.
2) Not knowing is a good place to start. Being genuinely curious as I mentioned above shows a sincere interest in what he/she likes/dislikes, feels and thinks.
3) Favour choice over advice. Giving children/youth choices will win over advice any time.
4) Share from the heart. Let the teen know what experiences you had and what you felt about them.
5) Being there, now and forever. I feel that lots of parents seem to give up on their teens because their teens seem to not want them in their lives. It is more that the teen wants the parent in their life just not the controlling parent.


(Our interview with Dr. Michael Ungar on Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com)

Risky Behaviours

We had the opportunity to have a lengthy radio interview with Michael Ungar, author of TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive. It is a great read for parents of teens and pre-teens. Lots of food for thought.

What I really took away from it was the desire to look at my and other teens in a different way. To try to understand their risky behaviours, to be curious about why they are seeking responsibility, to talk to them about their view of the world and their place in it.

Four powerful messages that Michael talks about as being important and coveted by children and teens are the chance to hear:

• You belong
• You're trustworthy
• You're responsible
• You're capable

Dr. Ungar in his practice of working with teens, finds that these four messages seem to be standard in teens who are experimenting in high risk and dangerous behaviours as well as many teens that we encounter in our schools and recreation centres, etc.

Teens who end up in gang-type situations are seeking a sense of belonging, being trusted by others, having some responsibility and control over their lives and seen as capable. They are seeking approval from others. If they are not achieving this with their family or in their school, they will turn to outside groups to achieve these goals of risk-taking or responsibilty-seeking.

We, as adults, may not approve of their choice but if we look at it from this perspective it makes sense. What Dr. Ungar proposes is that for the teens in our lives who are experimenting with high risk and potentially detrimental behaviours, we must help them find more suitable endeavours and outlets for their desire for risk or responsibility seeking.

With younger children, we will see examples of their desire to seek some physical and emotional challenges. Again we need to help encourage their exploring and not squelch them at every turn with overprotective comments such as “wait until you're older”. We need to assist them with incremental challenges which give them a sense of achievement and overcoming a challenge. Talk to them about the challenge confronting them and how we can assist them. The roadblocks—the NO's—we throw up only make this type of child want it more.

Parents need to listen to and understand what their child or teen is seeking. We need to give them some positive responses to their requests for some risk-taking. It's all about growth and maturing. Our job is to help them along and support them in ways that make sense to them and us.


(Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com))