Stress reduction

Stress is part of our world. There has always been stress and, I suspect, it will continue to be part of our lives.

The "Work-Life Balance" in today's Globe is titled "Stress belongs in one place: back at the office". Although I believe that there are stresses in our home life, problems are often created at home by the stresses that come from our work. The eight suggestions are very worthwhile remembering and incorporating into our daily routine. They relate to providing that buffer between home and work—on the commute, working at home, being a focused not distracted parent.

There are times when I take the bus home. Often one of my neighbours is on the bus but does not always get off at our common stop. He, in fact, gets off a few stops ahead and walks along a foot path for a few blocks. I suspected what he was doing but one day I asked him. He has three young children and on particularly stressful days he isn't quite ready to see them. Although his commute provides him with that buffer, sometimes it needs to be a little longer.

One friend often said she needs and enjoys a longer commute. Fortunately when she is working, she has a good lengthy drive. I remmeber she referred to it as her time to unwind from the stresses of the day. One of the suggestions is to "treat your commute as a positive time to wind down and start the process of relaxation."

Many years ago, a friend related to me how his father would come in the front door. If he had been a little stressed and entered in a bad mood, he would often turn around and literally say "Let me try this again." And it worked both ways as sometimes there might have been some squabbling going on in the house which wasn't a particularly pleasant greeting in which case he'd turn and leave the house to return moments later hoping the situation had improved. This leads to the 3rd point was that if you need to rant and vent do it on your way home (silently) to yourself..."don't walk in the door at home and rant—nobody deserves such a greeting".

To be mindful of our stresses and to keep them in their rightful place again mentors certain behaviours to our children. Sometimes the stress is so large that we need to let our loved ones know it was a bad day and we need some time and space. But don't use that one too often. It's best to take these suggestions to heart and put our best foot forward.

Haikus and parenting

I was looking over some of the books that come into our office for review purposes. It's amazing what people write about. The titles that promise the book will solve all of life's problems—well if not all of them at least those that we need to solve.

Here's one that won't solve any major problems but certainly it helps to reflect on parenting in small and playful doses. "Haiku Mama" by Kari Anne Roy has a subtitle (because 17 syllables is all you have time to read). It is very clever and worth picking up for some quick and thoughtful observations/reflections on parenting with some very simple graphics.

Some that I related to immediately on scanning the book—with the substitution of "Dad" for "Mom"—were:

Same book twenty times:
comforting for the baby
not so much for mom.

Learning the "mom" look:
Squint eyes, frown mouth, point finger.
But try not to laugh.

Forty thousand pounds:
How much stuff one baby needs;
afternoon car trip.

Don't make baby's mouth
into an airplane hangar;
food will just fly out.

Got me thinking about trying some parenting Haiku. I'm not so clever.

Letting go

As I mentioned in my last blog, it was hard saying goodbye to our daughter who is now on the other side of the country.

"Time heals" as they say. (Whoever they is?) And certainly knowing she is enjoying herself and settling into a new experience helps us start to feel okay about it all. We still miss her and have moments of sadness that she's not here but not as frequent as last week.

The point here is that as parents we need to let go. Our job is to provide an encouraging, nurturing environment that helps our children or teens to spread their wings.

An acquaintance of ours, when I spoke of our daughter leaving for the year in the Katimavik program stated emphatically that she just wouldn't let her children go. She is at a stage of her children being years away from such a time but it is worrisome to me that parents inhibit their children's need for autonomy by restricting or prohibiting them from participating in similar programs or experiences.

Too often in my experience,parents are not necessarily looking at these opportunities as beneficial to their children but detrimental to themselves or the family.Whatever age a child is, she/he needs to start to individuate and not be so enmeshed in the family that she/he misses out on some of life's greatest lessons. We do need to let go of the leash and let them explore the world on their terms.

Leaving home...

She was wiping tears away from her eyes as she walked toward the plane. It had been a difficult last half hour or so—saying goodbye to family. The hugs were tight and the eyes teary. This was the start of yet another of our family journeys.

Our daughter was leaving home for a 9 month cross Canada adventure with Katimavik (see my previous blog). She was excited and scared. Ready to go forth yet wanting to stay put. For those she left behind there is a void. Her upbeat and vibrant enthusiastic 18 year old personality will be sorely missed. That wrenching, immediate change is so difficult. The long goodbyes with friends over the past week seemed endless. At one point over the weekend, knowing the pain of separation is forthcoming, you want to have her go now and not prolong the agony.

We've heard from her. She arrived safely in Montreal. But that's it for now. She's on to her new adventure—meeting new friends, learning new skills, living with a group—and we're not sure when our next contact will be.

One of our feelings through the sadness of the departure was that this is truly the right thing for her to be doing. She will have one of those life-changing experiences and grow beyond the maturity that we have witnessed these past few years.

Letting go is hard to do but as parents we must let go and let them go explore their world. It is a selfish act to keep them at home because that is safe for us.

Remember the butterfly saying:

Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight it will crush, hold it too loose, it will fly.