Questions about community

"A few simple questions remind us of what’s important" was the title of a recent Globe & Mail article on the per•sua•sion page put together by Simon Houpt. In it Houpt refers to an ad campaign by the Vancouver YMCA. Although he is more referring to the production and presentation of the campaign, which was of interest to me as a publisher dealing with advertising, marketing and social service agencies, it also got me thinking about how our community has changed and how today's parents are, in a sense a reflection on that change.

Two of the questions that are presented in the Where did community go? campaign are ones that are or should be of particular interest to parents.

Why are we inside more than ever?

When did we stop letting our children walk to school?

I know it's a campaign for the Y but it should be a broader campaign in our lives. It's more about creating and belonging to community.

Live a little!

Well a new year and new decade are here and we're well past the time of making and perhaps keeping resolutions.

As I was going through my emails, I came across one promoting a book called educator "The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have" by parent educator Laura Bauld.

Gauld’s advice to parents: Live a little.

How?

With each point Bauld makes, I'll share my thoughts as I do feel these points are important for people in general and parents in particular.

• Lead by example.
I like this because it is about being role models and mentors. Children really look up to their parents and it is not what parents say but what they do and how they do it, that is so important.

• Take risks in front of your child.
Taking risks also is about being open to making mistakes. We learn form our mistakes but too often we do not let our children see that as an important part of life.

• Do something each day for pure joy.
This is almost like "take time to smell the roses". Too often in our busy-ness we forget to enjoy life and appreciate what it has to offer. Pure joy can mean simple pleasures like taking a walk with a friend, laughing or reading something for pleasure.

• Tackle the deep attitudes that hold you back.
That inner voice often reinforces our reluctance to move forward on a project or pursue an activity. Reflecting on what it is that is holding you back often allows you to overcome the obstacles.

• Accept what your own parents gave you, what they tried to give you, and what they were unable to give you.
Three very wise thoughts here. The precious gifts that parents can leave their children are legacies. Too often we confuse material wealth as the legacy but really it is the core values. On the third point, what they were unable to give us perhaps has more to do with their inability to really know, understand or comprehend the importance of passing along values.

• Understand your job as a parent.
This is really a role or a job that is not really taught to us. Some come to it naturally but I suspect that is because of the role-modeling they saw as children.

“This is the foundation of parenting,” Gauld says. “Like any job, one must understand the duties and responsibilities that go along with it. Most of the unproductive issues we get into as parents stem from the conflict between the role we want to play in our child's life, rather than accepting the role we need to play.”

The new year and new decade brings us a time to reflect on what we've done and what we can do. Live a little and enjoy your role as a parent.

Four Crucial C's

Next week I will be interviewing Alyson Schafer, author, psychotherapist and parenting expert for Island Parent Radio. (It will be aired in May.)

Her recent book, Honey I Wrecked the Kids has some interesting thoughts, ideas which I feel are worth looking at. Her professional training is in Adlerian family counselling and parenting.

One aspect of the book are about the causes of misbehaviour in children. She talks about the FOUR Crucial C's which resonate with me as I look back at my previous blogs and interviews with Dr. Michael Ungar of Dalhousie University who wrote Too Safe For Their Own Good - How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive and more recently We Generation - Raising Socially Responsible Children. Dr. Ungar refers to the 4 C's in the former title (Competent, Caring Contributors to their Community) and the four ideas that children need Roots, Wings, Audience and Compassion in the latter book.

The Four Crucial C's that Alyson writes about and I feel parents (and teachers) need to reflect on are: Connected (belonging), Capable (able to manage), Count (worthwhile), and Courageous (make mistakes and handle the outcome). Misbehaviour, or as she prefers to call it "mistaken approach," of each of these is attention seeking, bossing others around, hurting or discounting others and avoid mistakes at all costs resulting in being incapable.

Something to think about as we work with our children and they exhibit some frustrating behaviours.

Financial Literacy for Kids

I had a great interview with Kim Deep on Financial Literacy for Kids on Island Parent Radio which airs tonight on Village 900. In the conversation she spoke of the importance of teaching our children about the value of money and more importantly the reality of money.

Part of Kim's system in teaching kids about money is to divide their "income" (allowance, money for chores, etc.) and place it into 5 jars.

These jars are labeled accordingly:

Living Expenses (needs and wants); Financial Freedom Account (investments); Save (contingency, vacation, etc.); Learn (special activity/class that a parent may not fund, books, etc.); Fun - Yeah! (go bowling or a movie, splurge); and finally Share (gifts for others, charity).

Although parents may adapt it to their own family with different labels and numbers of jars, the idea that we teach children from an early age that they need to start to think about and handle money is the important thing. Kim even talks about having children "pay rent".

The other day I heard of a parent posting the family expenses of the refrigerator door to show how much money was actually coming in and where it was going. Over time this parent spoke to her kids about how much is spent on groceries, entertainment, rent/mortgage, etc. She took them grocery shopping and they guessed how much the bill was. Her idea was that if they saw what was entailed and had a goal in mind such as a vacation, they might help curtail some of the expenses.

With the state of today's economy, we as parents need in positive ways to help educate our children about money. Financial literacy is something we should be helping our understand.

Mommy Martyrdom

The other day I met a young mom. Her baby was only a week old. Cute as a button!

One of her comments, as everyone was oooohing and aaaahing, was that she wouldn't let the father change the diapers. Now I am not sure how the father feels about this but I viewed it as one of those first steps to "mommy martyrdom" which was (and is still?) prevalent in our society.

Moms need to let go. They need to share the burdens of parenthood if changing diapers is a burden. When there are other adults around to help—partners, parents, friends, etc.—let them help. Don't be a martyr because you'll regret it later in life.

Dads need to be involved with all aspects of a child's upbringing including changing diapers. I remember when my son was an infant and my wife went out in the evening, people often asked if I was babysitting. My reply was "No, I'm the father. Babysitters are who you hire."

Parenting is a shared commitment. To have it left only to the Moms is the first step towards resentment of the partner.

Don't let mommy martyrdom take hold. Share the trials and tribulations of parenthood. Everyone, especially the child, will benefit.

Being connected

Recently I interviewed Dr. Michael Ungar, author of Too Safe For Their Own Good (which I discussed in previous blogs) and newly published We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. Both books have resonated with me for their intelligent view of parenting with some down to earth advice for parents and other adults dealing with children and youth.

In Too Safe For Their Own Good, he wrote about teens desiring to be seen as the 4 C's—Competent, Caring, Contributors to their Community. Teens are either seeking responsibility or taking risks. As parents and society we must recognise this tendency of our youth and work with them in providing safe opportunities for risk- or responibility- seeking behaviours.

For parents there are many messages from both his books, but within his new book, We Generation, he speaks to the importance of parents at all ages and stages of children and youth. To foster connected kids, we, as parents, need to adopt three roles: Show Compassion; Model Beneficence; and Invite Responsibility. We are mentors for our children and so our actions in these three areas are paramount.

Another important piece of advice for parents is to exhibit the 3 T's in our everyday life.

TIME - spend time with your children; focus on them when you are with them—don't be distracted.

TOUCH - Michael talks about touch as intentional communication and suggests that we are "offering a knee (to sit on), a hand to hold, a hug, a gesture of caring inb tune with what the child wants."

TALK - let them know what you think and feel but also listen to them with empathy not judgment.

I recommend that you look at either of these books for they have some great ideas for parenting.

Actions speak louder than words

As I was preparing for a workshop on Trust, which I have written about in my blogs before, I came across a brilliant quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It hit me like a brick. It is a powerful statement that we as parents and adults need to remember as we deal with our youth.

It reflects the meanings of commonly known quotes like:

Actions speak louder than words.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

These are wise sayings but sometimes I think we forget about the impression we are creating in our children's and teen's minds when we try to "cheat" the system. Small lies about ages of a child/teen to save money on a ticket (to a show, on a bus or ferry, or for whatever the age specific ticket may be) tell our youth that it's okay to lie in order to get a better price. What about being charged less for an item at the grocery store or in a restaurant and not saying anything to the server? What's our message here?

As parents, we're trying to set examples.

As parents, we're trying to be role models.

As parents we need to remember this:

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."