Conflict in relationships

I was interested to hear Dr. Marty Klein talk about conflict being crucial for intimacy. When I think about intimacy, it is about risk-taking, getting to know the other person in difficult circumstances. Letting people in on the “secrets” of your life.

Conflict then is about disagreeing with another and with a partner it may be some fundamental disagreement which is at the core of the person. Sharing an intimate thought that one feels may break up or at least strain the relationship.

Dr. Klein suggests that when you are in conflict with a loved one, you are in it as partners not adversaries. You are seeking to find a solution—a negotiated settlement. So the conflict has “rules” ways of dealing with it. Allison often refers to dealing with conflict with one rule that both sides don't “gunnysack”. This essentially means not getting off track and reminding the other person of their behaviour 2 months ago. Stay focussed on the issue—don't divert from it.

The goal of conflict should be to collect information that generates some solution to the problem. If as a couple or parent/child conflict you treat the other as an opponent, it is harder to deal with the other when a resolution is formulated. If you have been “name-calling” or using accusatory tones, the conflict escalates.

Try to understand what the other is thinking and feeling AND try to let them know your thoughts or feelings. Generally in a close relationship, you are probably just miscommunicating.