Agreement in any relationship

Continuing with reflections and thoughts that I came away with from Dr. Marty Klein's keynote talk at the Canadian Men's Health Conference this week.

So much of the quality of our relationship with others is based upon communication. I believe that the quality of the relationship is directly related to the quality of the communication (i.e. a poor relationship with another individual can be equated to poor communication).

One of the many points that Dr. Klein made was the importance of clear agreements between people. Whether you are dealing with a spouse, your child, a business associate or colleague, it is important that agreements between people are clearly understood by all parties. Within a family (partner to partner or parent to child) it is important to understand that the agreement between the persons involved is owned by both (all) parties. Agreements are not one-sided. Dr. Klein in his humourous style stressed that an agreement must not include the word “try”.

“I'll try to make it to your hockey game.” “I'll try to be home before 6 pm for dinner.” “I'll try not to get upset and yell at my kids.” To the other person the interpretation is that you are going to do what you say. For you it is mainly an attempt to do said behaviour—not a certainty. Don't agree to try. Either promise and follow through with the commitment or apologise that it is not going to happen. Both ways give the other person the bank account of trust which I've mentioned in previous blogs.

Dr. Klein also stated that we must take responsibility for broken agreements/promises. “I am sorry.” “ You are right.” Don't balme someone else. If you break an agreement you need to own up to it. Our society is too quick to blame others. Again what are we showing our children when we do not own up to our mistakes, our broken agreements.

Sometimes you need to renegotiate agreements. But both sides need to agree.

Finally and again we don't always display this quality but we must follow both the “spirit” and “letter” of the agreement. When an agreement is made it is made with an intention shown by words and acions. Follow through and commit to both the meanings.

Next time up, I'll reflect on conflict.