Island Parent Blog

Questions about community

2010-04-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

"A few simple questions remind us of what’s important" was the title of a recent Globe & Mail article on the per•sua•sion page put together by Simon Houpt. In it Houpt refers to an ad campaign by the Vancouver YMCA. Although he is more referring to the production and presentation of the campaign, which was of interest to me as a publisher dealing with advertising, marketing and social service agencies, it also got me thinking about how our community has changed and how today's parents are, in a sense a reflection on that change.

Two of the questions that are presented in the Where did community go? campaign are ones that are or should be of particular interest to parents.

Why are we inside more than ever?

When did we stop letting our children walk to school?

I know it's a campaign for the Y but it should be a broader campaign in our lives. It's more about creating and belonging to community.

Live a little!

2010-01-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

Well a new year and new decade are here and we're well past the time of making and perhaps keeping resolutions.

As I was going through my emails, I came across one promoting a book called educator "The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have" by parent educator Laura Bauld.

Gauld’s advice to parents: Live a little.

How?

With each point Bauld makes, I'll share my thoughts as I do feel these points are important for people in general and parents in particular.

• Lead by example.
I like this because it is about being role models and mentors. Children really look up to their parents and it is not what parents say but what they do and how they do it, that is so important.

• Take risks in front of your child.
Taking risks also is about being open to making mistakes. We learn form our mistakes but too often we do not let our children see that as an important part of life.

• Do something each day for pure joy.
This is almost like "take time to smell the roses". Too often in our busy-ness we forget to enjoy life and appreciate what it has to offer. Pure joy can mean simple pleasures like taking a walk with a friend, laughing or reading something for pleasure.

• Tackle the deep attitudes that hold you back.
That inner voice often reinforces our reluctance to move forward on a project or pursue an activity. Reflecting on what it is that is holding you back often allows you to overcome the obstacles.

• Accept what your own parents gave you, what they tried to give you, and what they were unable to give you.
Three very wise thoughts here. The precious gifts that parents can leave their children are legacies. Too often we confuse material wealth as the legacy but really it is the core values. On the third point, what they were unable to give us perhaps has more to do with their inability to really know, understand or comprehend the importance of passing along values.

• Understand your job as a parent.
This is really a role or a job that is not really taught to us. Some come to it naturally but I suspect that is because of the role-modeling they saw as children.

“This is the foundation of parenting,” Gauld says. “Like any job, one must understand the duties and responsibilities that go along with it. Most of the unproductive issues we get into as parents stem from the conflict between the role we want to play in our child's life, rather than accepting the role we need to play.”

The new year and new decade brings us a time to reflect on what we've done and what we can do. Live a little and enjoy your role as a parent.

Four Crucial C's

2009-03-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

Next week I will be interviewing Alyson Schafer, author, psychotherapist and parenting expert for Island Parent Radio. (It will be aired in May.)

Her recent book, Honey I Wrecked the Kids has some interesting thoughts, ideas which I feel are worth looking at. Her professional training is in Adlerian family counselling and parenting.

One aspect of the book are about the causes of misbehaviour in children. She talks about the FOUR Crucial C's which resonate with me as I look back at my previous blogs and interviews with Dr. Michael Ungar of Dalhousie University who wrote Too Safe For Their Own Good - How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive and more recently We Generation - Raising Socially Responsible Children. Dr. Ungar refers to the 4 C's in the former title (Competent, Caring Contributors to their Community) and the four ideas that children need Roots, Wings, Audience and Compassion in the latter book.

The Four Crucial C's that Alyson writes about and I feel parents (and teachers) need to reflect on are: Connected (belonging), Capable (able to manage), Count (worthwhile), and Courageous (make mistakes and handle the outcome). Misbehaviour, or as she prefers to call it "mistaken approach," of each of these is attention seeking, bossing others around, hurting or discounting others and avoid mistakes at all costs resulting in being incapable.

Something to think about as we work with our children and they exhibit some frustrating behaviours.

Financial Literacy for Kids

2009-03-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

I had a great interview with Kim Deep on Financial Literacy for Kids on Island Parent Radio which airs tonight on Village 900. In the conversation she spoke of the importance of teaching our children about the value of money and more importantly the reality of money.

Part of Kim's system in teaching kids about money is to divide their "income" (allowance, money for chores, etc.) and place it into 5 jars.

These jars are labeled accordingly:

Living Expenses (needs and wants); Financial Freedom Account (investments); Save (contingency, vacation, etc.); Learn (special activity/class that a parent may not fund, books, etc.); Fun - Yeah! (go bowling or a movie, splurge); and finally Share (gifts for others, charity).

Although parents may adapt it to their own family with different labels and numbers of jars, the idea that we teach children from an early age that they need to start to think about and handle money is the important thing. Kim even talks about having children "pay rent".

The other day I heard of a parent posting the family expenses of the refrigerator door to show how much money was actually coming in and where it was going. Over time this parent spoke to her kids about how much is spent on groceries, entertainment, rent/mortgage, etc. She took them grocery shopping and they guessed how much the bill was. Her idea was that if they saw what was entailed and had a goal in mind such as a vacation, they might help curtail some of the expenses.

With the state of today's economy, we as parents need in positive ways to help educate our children about money. Financial literacy is something we should be helping our understand.

Mommy Martyrdom

2009-02-26T14:15:00.000-08:00

The other day I met a young mom. Her baby was only a week old. Cute as a button!

One of her comments, as everyone was oooohing and aaaahing, was that she wouldn't let the father change the diapers. Now I am not sure how the father feels about this but I viewed it as one of those first steps to "mommy martyrdom" which was (and is still?) prevalent in our society.

Moms need to let go. They need to share the burdens of parenthood if changing diapers is a burden. When there are other adults around to help—partners, parents, friends, etc.—let them help. Don't be a martyr because you'll regret it later in life.

Dads need to be involved with all aspects of a child's upbringing including changing diapers. I remember when my son was an infant and my wife went out in the evening, people often asked if I was babysitting. My reply was "No, I'm the father. Babysitters are who you hire."

Parenting is a shared commitment. To have it left only to the Moms is the first step towards resentment of the partner.

Don't let mommy martyrdom take hold. Share the trials and tribulations of parenthood. Everyone, especially the child, will benefit.

Being connected

2009-01-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

Recently I interviewed Dr. Michael Ungar, author of Too Safe For Their Own Good (which I discussed in previous blogs) and newly published We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. Both books have resonated with me for their intelligent view of parenting with some down to earth advice for parents and other adults dealing with children and youth.

In Too Safe For Their Own Good, he wrote about teens desiring to be seen as the 4 C's—Competent, Caring, Contributors to their Community. Teens are either seeking responsibility or taking risks. As parents and society we must recognise this tendency of our youth and work with them in providing safe opportunities for risk- or responibility- seeking behaviours.

For parents there are many messages from both his books, but within his new book, We Generation, he speaks to the importance of parents at all ages and stages of children and youth. To foster connected kids, we, as parents, need to adopt three roles: Show Compassion; Model Beneficence; and Invite Responsibility. We are mentors for our children and so our actions in these three areas are paramount.

Another important piece of advice for parents is to exhibit the 3 T's in our everyday life.

TIME - spend time with your children; focus on them when you are with them—don't be distracted.

TOUCH - Michael talks about touch as intentional communication and suggests that we are "offering a knee (to sit on), a hand to hold, a hug, a gesture of caring inb tune with what the child wants."

TALK - let them know what you think and feel but also listen to them with empathy not judgment.

I recommend that you look at either of these books for they have some great ideas for parenting.

Actions speak louder than words

2008-02-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

As I was preparing for a workshop on Trust, which I have written about in my blogs before, I came across a brilliant quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It hit me like a brick. It is a powerful statement that we as parents and adults need to remember as we deal with our youth.

It reflects the meanings of commonly known quotes like:

Actions speak louder than words.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

These are wise sayings but sometimes I think we forget about the impression we are creating in our children's and teen's minds when we try to "cheat" the system. Small lies about ages of a child/teen to save money on a ticket (to a show, on a bus or ferry, or for whatever the age specific ticket may be) tell our youth that it's okay to lie in order to get a better price. What about being charged less for an item at the grocery store or in a restaurant and not saying anything to the server? What's our message here?

As parents, we're trying to set examples.

As parents, we're trying to be role models.

As parents we need to remember this:

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."

The importance of listening

2008-02-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

"Are you listening or waiting to speak?"

There is a profound difference between the two and often I catch myself doing the latter instead of the former.

As parents if we stepped back and truly listened we would actually find out more about our children and their thoughts than by asking questions. So often our questions are answered with one syllable words or grunts or if the replies are truly in sentence form, we jump in with comments or more questions.

Sometimes we need to just stop talking and listen.

Silence can be a golden opportunity that might be filled by a child's or teen's voice about what is important to them.

Try listening and hold off on the speaking.

A Parent's "Bucket List"

2008-02-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

Recently I saw the movie "The Bucket List" starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. On reflection I felt it provided a TWO messages for parents.

Sitting atop the Pyramids, Morgan Freeman's character poses a question to Jack Nicholson's character. He stated that the ancient Egyptians believed that when they died, they were asked two questions before they could pass onto eternal life.

1. Have you ever experienced true joy in your life?

2. In your life, have you ever brought anyone else joy?

These questions struck me as one of those lessons or goals in life where we as parents model behaviours for our children about "living and giving." Question #1 concerns how we actually "live" our own life while question #2 relates to the way we "give" to others.

The second thought that I had on viewing the movie was the importance of setting some goals in our lives as individuals and as parents. These goals, as Freeman's character said, are not about specifically about money or property but about outcomes or experiences we would like to have or share with others. Again it is about "living and giving."

When I thought about the idea of a bucket list, I was a little stumped as to what I would put on it. The two characters in the movie brainstormed a list and then went out to check off the each accomplishment.

I invite you to share an idea from your parental bucket list by posting a comment.

Greeting Ritual

2008-02-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

Think about times when you pick up your child from school. The natural inclination fro you is to ask...

"What did you do today?" "How'd you do on the spelling test?" "Do you have any homework?" Yada yada yada.

It is late at night and your teen needs a ride home. You're ticked off and tired and would rather be at home. Your usual response when you pick him/her up is...

"Why didn't you call earlier?" "You are 15 minutes later than I asked for you to be home.""What did you do tonight?"

Here's an idea that Allison Rees mentioned at a recent taping of our radio show - she calls it the greeting ritual.Author Gordon Neufeld refers to it as "the collecting dance" It's about getting in your child's face in warm and inviting ways.

When you greet your child or teen, don't ask the usual questions that they're tired of hearing or don't give the normal lecture. Don't ask them questions or give them lectures that make them "roll their eyes."

Try something different!

Adopt the greeting ritual.

Tell them a joke or a funny story. Quote an interesting fact that you heard. Tell them something interesting about your day.

Connection with your child or teen is the most important thing in developing the long term goals of parenting.

The 20/80 Rule of Life

2008-01-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

"Do as I say!"

I think we're all agreed that this is not a good adult suggestion to guiding or teaching children.

In fact saying nothing and showing through actions is probably the best way to teach children some of life's lessons.

It was brought home to me during a recent interview on the 40 Developmental Assets, that when surveyed 80% of children/teens said that they learned about important values from watching the behaviours of adults—parents, teachers, relatives,etc. The remaining 20% felt the they did learn from the "Do as I say!" method of teaching.

It all comes back to mentoring and modelling of behaviours. It is important to have adult role models in our children's lives to teach them those positive values. Parents are most often the primary role models in a child's life.

My radio discussion with Keith Pattinson, who presents workshops on the 40 Developmental Assets, really brought home the need for we, as parents, to discuss these 40 assets with our children and find ways to help create these important building blocks of life.

Also remember it's not a test—it's a starting point.

The important "T" of TRUST

2008-01-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Finally we come to TIME. Making the time and taking the time are crucial aspects of creating and maintaining the trust bank account in any relationship.

As parents, making the time means that you set aside time for quality interactions between parent and child.

Taking the time means that you follow through with that commitment.

How often have you heard a person promise to do something at a specific time only to renege on the promise because something came up "that was more important". (What is more important than your child?)If a person is consistent in setting time aside for the child and following through then the odd "something came up" will not drain the trust bank account.

If, however, the something came up is a familiar phrase then first of all don't promise and second of all start finding time. Trust depends on the commitment of time.

This reminds me of Harry Chapin's song "The Cats in the Cradle" which talks about how a child learns about commitment—or more specifically the lack of commitment—from his father.Listen to the song and think about your interactions with your children. If the song rings true, you might look at ways of changing the lack of trust into TRUST by modelling the commitment of spending some quality time.

Making the TIME and taking the TIME rounds out my thoughts on the meaning (and acronym) of TRUST. It's amazing how fast that trust can be built with sincere and committed actions.

"S" is for...

2008-01-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

...SUPPORT.

That's what we as parents do for our children. We support and nurture them. The support is from many dimensions—emotional, physical (including financial, basic needs, etc.) and spiritual—but like unconditional love it is a given.

As we look at TRUST in the raising of our children, a lot comes back to mentoring and modelling behaviours that we as parents exhibit so that our children grow into capable, caring contributors to community (Michael Ungar's terminology). By giving unconditional love and support, our children learn from the mentor—the parent—what it feels like to have the support and love in life and therefore is able to give that same sense to others as they mature.

Just as many abused children may become abusers, a child who has grown in a household that is based upon TRUST becomes a trusted individual in personal and family relationships as well as in the greater community.

In my next blog I will conclude with what I feel is an essential "T".

The "U" in TRUST stands for...

2008-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

...Unconditional Love.

Now with Covey's 5 Waves of Trust for individuals, groups and businesses—Self, Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust—unconditional love will not make sense. But as parents, part of our children's trust in us comes from an unconditional love that we have for our offspring. Therefore the "U" representing unconditional love in the first two waves—Self and Relationship Trust—works in the realm of the family.

If we place conditions on our love for our child that surely breaks down the foundation of trust. How can a child trust us if they feel or believe there are conditions attached to our love for them?

I propose that Unconditional Love with self and our relationship to our children is paramount to TRUST in family situations.

The "R" of TRUST

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I started to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T

Today the "R" word comes into play. I'd say RESPECT is one of the important aspects of trust. And here's where I sometimes I have a bone to pick with adults in general— parents and teachers in particular. Respect is a two way street. I often hear a parent or teacher asking for respect but not always willing to reciprocate that respect. Just because a person is a child or younger doesn't mean that they too don't deserve respect. Respect isn't about calling a person with the designation of Ms., Mr., Mrs., or whatever, it's about an attitude and a deserved feeling. Over the years, I have heard children using first names of teachers that they truly respected and others using the "title" of Mr., Ms., Sir, and Madam with no feeling of respect attached.

With Self-Trust and Relationship Trust, respect for self and others is really a critical piece. Again if you do not in a sense respect yourself or others how will you in fact engender trust.

T•R•U•S•T and what it all means

2008-01-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

Does your child trust you? Being a parent I hope your answer an unequivocal yes.

But still let's look at trust and see where we all stand.

Remember back to that newborn in your arms, she was very trusting. She had no reason to be otherwise. Over time, does that trust fade and if so, what causes it to diminish? Can we resurrect that feeling of parent-child trust or has it slipped away forever.

After reading Stephen M.R. Covey's book titled The Speed of Trust, I have been doing a great deal of thinking about TRUST and how it plays out in families. Covey talks about the 5 waves of trust with reference to people in businesses and organizations. These waves emanate from Self Trust and continue out through four more waves—Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust.

I believe that we, as parents, can gain a great deal from looking at the first two waves—Self Trust and Relationship Trust—in our daily dealings with our children, our spouses and other relationships.

Over the next week I'm going to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T and by doing so, give it some meaning in the world of families.

I chose TRUTH as the first "T". To fully have self trust or to be trusted by others, one must be truthful in all of their dealings. Being credible instills trust within ourself and with others.

Think of how you have felt when you learned that someone you trusted had lied to you or withheld the truth. That TRUST bank account becomes depleted rather quickly.

TRUTH is a great part but not the only of condition of TRUST.

Let go and let them grow.

2008-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

One of my themes over the past while was first taken from Michael Ungar's book Too Safe for Their Own Good.

Raising CAPABLE, CARING CONTRIBUTOR'S to their COMMUNITY is a 4 C'S goal to which we, as parents, should be aspiring. It should be our new mantra. It should be our New Year's Resolution.

(Michael's interview with me will be aired on Village 900 this Sunday January 6th at 9 am. You can check out his book in the sidebar to the right.)

Recently, I interviewed parent educator Kathy Lynn for Island Parent Radio (airing in September) and was struck by the similar message of raising our children (from toddlers to teens) to become capable adults. She makes some great points about how we, as parents, need to give them a chance to develop life skills from an early age. There is even a list of some chores children can handle from the two-year-old on up. Kathy's book is also one of my recommendations for parents of toddlers to teens.

A two-year-old? Think of some things that your two year-old could handle with your assistance.

I often hear parents—Moms especially—saying they like doing things for their children or worse still that they don't feel their older child is capable of making their lunch or a teen to do his laundry. What our we teaching them if we don't start with some independence.

It seems to me that some parents want to keep their children at a certain stage. It doesn't do the child any good and in the end the parent often suffers from the rebellious teen.

Do something for your child this year - let go and let them grow. You and your child will benefit greatly.

Law of Attribution

2007-12-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

The other night in my Parenting Teens workshop that I facilitate, I was sharing what I had learned about the Law of Attraction. I also spoke of yet another law that someone told me about a few days earlier. It is the Law of Attribution.

I don't believe it has much of a following as does the Law of Attraction but in our role as a parent it can help us in certain situations.

Imagine a time when you had know idea where your child or teen was. That void in a time when we simply do not know.

The Law of Attribution deals with that void, that hole, by filling that hole with information, answers or assumptions so we don't sit around "not knowing." It's akin to that noticeable silence in a conversation that we feel compelled to fill.

The need to “fill the hole” is basically the Law of Attribution. Attributing information complete our need to know what's happened even though the assumptions we make, the information we use or the answers we give may be wrong. Often we are even more worried because of the state that we've put ourselves in.

Jumping to conclusions is not always helpful when we find our youth has been delayed at a school practice or stayed longer at a friend's house. The anger rises when they come home cheerily and we've been worried sick. Instead of stating how worried we were , we erupt in anger.

What I was thinking about in this type of situation is that we need to take a deep breath, give our kids a hug and state our need to know where they were.

Sometimes you get what you ask for

2007-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

In following with the theme of the Law of Attraction, I have been doing much thinking about the ideas surrounding attracting positive or negative things over the past couple of weeks. It started with the Losier seminar (see my last blog) followed by a radio interview I had with two wonderful young men Brad Morris and Matthew Ashdown who can be found at their Junior Attractors website. (Both of these situations the lunch seminar and the radio interview were unconnected to one another but as with the Law of Attraction popped up within days of each other.)

As I was preparing for my course with parents of teens, I came across a sentence that read:

Ask yourself this question: "If I were to get my teen to swear or call me names, how would I do it?" Your answer may describe how you are doing it.

In other words, we sometimes inadvertently get what we ask for. This is not limited to teens but to all of the phases of childhood throught adult hood. Haven't you ever witnessed a time that a parent, in anger or frustration, yells at their child to stop yelling! Here we go again acting out the behaviours that we want to have stopped.

Another statement that I came across says:

Make sure you are not triggering some of these behaviours (i.e. name calling, swearing, yelling) by doing them yourself or doing triggering behaviours—asking questions, giving orders, not listening, lecturing.

In true Law of Attraction format I will change that statement to read: Make sure you are modelling behaviours that you want to see from your child or teen.

What would you do...

2007-11-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" Robert Schuller

There are times that I am just struck by a quotation or saying. The above quote certainly struck me at the time as thought provoking.

Too often as adults, parents and children, we may hold back and not try something from the fear of failure.

The other day I was at a lunch and the speaker, Michael Losier, was speaking about the Law of Attraction. He talks about 1) having desires, 2)giving them attention, energy and focus and finally 3) allowing it. The allowing things to happen is the most crucial of the three steps. Losier defined allowing as the absence of doubt.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? is essentially disregarding or discarding the doubt. That niggling reaction when you are about to start a project or try something new is doubt creeping in. Failure to accomplish follows that niggling feeling — that doubt.

Taking some positive steps as a parent, making some of the desires become a reality is really about feeling in control of your actions and putting the energy forth with no doubt that you can accomplish the task or succeed in achieving the original wish.

When we are dealing with our children's dreams we must be positive in our response and find ways to help them. Throwing "doubt" into the mix may erode self-esteem or parent/child trust.

Death of a child

2007-11-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

It seems that yesterday I was reminded of a youth's death a number of times. As I was up in the Shawnigan area, both the Arena and the Secondary School had messages to the family of Nick a fifteen year old who was hit by a car last week on his way home from school. No rhyme nor reason for it, seems like he was at the wrong place on the road at the wrong time.

Many years ago, a 14 year old student whom I had taught was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. There really was no one to blame.

I can't imagine the pain and anguish that the death of a son or daughter brings to the parent. I have lost my parents and felt that pain but they were older and had lead long and happy lives. I remember Barbara Coloroso, in one of her talks, mentioning it is not the norm for a parent to outlive her/his son or daughter. It happens but is not the usual cycle of life.

As parents when we here of tragic accidents or illnesses resulting in the death of a child, we all experience a shared grief with the parents. We become in a sense a community of parents reaching out directly or indirectly with our quiet thoughts of compassion.

To Nick's family and friends, our thoughts are with you.

Spying on your kids. Where is the trust?

2007-11-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

I was just shown a CBS News Video, The Secret Lives of Teens, which depicts a very situation in which parents have gone to extraordinary lengths. It was very disturbing to me and my colleagues.

Parents of a sixteen year old girl had resorted to spying on their daughter in every conceivable way. Through current available technology, they are entering her life and tracking her every online thought and word. They have set up video surveillance that is reminiscent of CSI operations. And where will it all lead? I suspect that when the daughter finds out and she will find out any trust (and perhaps love) between them will be blown to smithereens.

Bringing up our children in this world does have its challenges. Some children and teens do test the limits of risk with their experimentation with sex, drugs, gangs, the Internet, etc. But how has this couple come to the place that they have resorted to the surveillance technology to invade their child's world. I would contend that they will not win the war here by violating all rules of boundaries but will enlarge the chasm between themselves and their daughter.

Instead of busting all boundaries by this treacherous display of mistrust and invasive behaviours on the parents' part, they should be embarking on engaging their daughter in conversations about risk and responsibility as outlined in Michael Unger's book, TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD (published by McLelland & Stewart), which I spoke about in my blog Risky Behaviours on April 1st of this year and continued in my blog on April 2nd.

I'd love to hear what you think about the video.

Parent as Mentors

2007-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

As our children grow older they are looking at us more as mentors and role models than as caregivers and rule makers. I am presently facilitating a group of parents of teens and as I listen to their thoughts and challenges, I realise the importance of role-modelling.

It's no longer a "do as I say" world, which I suspect it has never been. Actions do speak louder than words and if whatever you say is in contradiction to to how you act, the action part will overrule the verbal part. It is so important that as parents—actually as anyone—that our verbal and nonverbal messages are consistent.

I had the pleasure of having lunch with Barbara Coloroso last week when she was in Victoria. Her life is a true example of the verbal being consistent with her actions. Her latest book, Extra Ordinary Evil, is just another demonstration of her commitment and passion for not only children but all of humanity. During our conversation, she spoke of a recent trip to Dubai and how the children growing up in this incredibly wealthy nation maybe hearing about concepts of respect but are not seeing it in action. She gave examples of how young elementary school children treated others including teachers so poorly and disrespectfully.

In some respects, her experience in Dubai is more devastating than the conditions in Rwanda.

What are we teaching our children?

Good and Bad Language of Parenting

2007-11-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

Perhaps we should discard the words good and bad from our parental vocabulary.

In this month's Cut It Out! (November 2007) column in Island Parent, Allison Rees of LIFE Seminars writes about The Good Child. She starts by saying that “Effective parents produce normal children, not "good" children.”

It's all in the words and how we use them. To talk about a good boy or girl does not really say anything to our children. They only learn to comply or seek praise. There is no real development in their psychological realm.

Our language to children needs to be sincere and interactive. Talking about them or their behaviour being good or bad implies judgement. Too often I hear parents talking to their children in a way to manipulate situations in the parent's favour, not allowing the child to be more independent, more curious.

Then when we talk with a child or youth, we start to use language which invites their participation. When looking at a piece of art work, describe what you see or what is interesting to you about it. Let the child tell you why she created it or used certain colours, materials, etc. All of these do not imply judgement—they do not scream good or bad.

I often cringe when I hear somebody remark about a good boy or good girl. (I know that I used to use those words with my children but I now realize how limiting and meaningless are these statements.)

Next time before you utter the words GOOD or BAD, try to think of another way to say it that produces a dialogue and interesting interchange of ideas. A way to let you know what the other person is really thinking.

Our children's health

2007-10-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

It's flu and cold season. The hacking coughs, runny noses, sniffles seem to be part of the landscape at home and at school. As a parent, what do we do for our child who is sick, miserable and definitely uncomfortable. We want to make them better and as fast as possible. In this age of seeking quick solutions to our everyday problems, there is always a quick remedy as close as the medicine cabinet or pharmacists shelf.

But wait, a U.S. Food and Drug Administration advisory panel recently called for a ban on all non-prescription pediatric medicines for coughs and colds. In a recent article in the Globe & Mail, columnist Andre Picard writes about the risks and dangers including death and adverse reactions in varying degrees of severity.

He goes on to say that Health Canada "strongly advises parents and caregivers to carefully read the labels and instructions for these products and to check the medicinal ingredients before giving them to any child, especially under the age of 2."

Picard's next word of advice is "Forget the wishy-washy bureaucratese." Get rid of these products both for children and adult—so you won't be tempted to give any of it to children—as they are virtually useless as remedies for coughs and colds.

In closing, Picard suggests the advises the following: "Symptom relief comes in many forms: A painkiller for fever, a humidifier for a stuffy nose, a cup of chicken soup for an empty belly, a favourite video for distraction, and a hug for reassurance."'

Good practical parenting does not always involve quick cures for whatever the problem may be.

Thinking and acting ethically

2007-10-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to do an hour long radio interview with Barbara Coloroso—internationally recognized parent educator, speaker and author—which we will air on Island Parent Radio in January. (We'll publish the dates on the website and in Island Parent.)

Our whole discussion—based on her book "Just because it's not wrong doesn't make it right."—centred on teaching children how to think and act ethically.

Barbara talks about how the teaching our children to think and act in ethical ways is comprised of three parts. First is to provide them with ways and ideas to care deeply, share generously and help willingly. Secondly, we need to "curb their inclination to hoard and harm." And finally, stop hatred or ways that inspire hatred.

We spoke of the importance of parents in modelling behaviours and mentoring our children. We have to show them the way by demonstrating compassion and loving kindness. One thing that I found both in the book and within our discussion is the idea our worldview matters and it is what inspires our children to act ethically and to think ethically.

Babara spoke at length about rules and how they don't always teach us or inspire us to act or think ethically. This leads to a thought I'd like to leave you with quoted from page 101 of her book:

"Neither a rigid moral absolutism (Because I said so...) nor shifting moral relativism (As long as I don't get caught...) will teach our children how to care deeply, share generously, or help willingly. Neither do they provide the groundwork necessary to develop communities that will support, not destroy, that which nurtures children's innate ability to care."

40 Developmental Assets

2007-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

I was attending a training session to be an In-School Mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters and was reminded of the importance of the 40 Developmental Assets that have been a project of the Search Institute for many years. We have written about these assets in Island Parent and I learned about them at a workshop quite a few years ago.

What struck me last night was to have a list of the 40 assets presented to me and then to reflect if each one of the statements were true as an elementary school child. I venture to say that I might not recognise myself in all of the situations but certainly in most of them. When looking at my life and comparing it to other children both then and now, I was truly lucky or blessed.

One of the ideas discussed at the training was the importance of a relationship with a trusted adult—be they a parent, teacher, friend, neighbour, relative—over the period of time. From a study done of individuals who were from very impoverished backgrounds (emotionally and economically) and became very successful in their lives, it was found that there was a "mentor", an trusted adult who showed interest and care for the child.

One story that was told was of a group of children from a certain area over a period of years and who ended up true successes despite their deplorable circumstances. When researchers delved further into their lives they found that this group all had one common factor. That factor was a certain teacher. When contacted to tell her of the study and how well some of her students turned out, she was asked what she did. Her simple reply was "I loved them".

Relationships are so key in the development of our children. The developmental assets simply looks at the External and Internal Assets that give individuals a chance in life.

Stress reduction

2007-09-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

Stress is part of our world. There has always been stress and, I suspect, it will continue to be part of our lives.

The "Work-Life Balance" in today's Globe is titled "Stress belongs in one place: back at the office". Although I believe that there are stresses in our home life, problems are often created at home by the stresses that come from our work. The eight suggestions are very worthwhile remembering and incorporating into our daily routine. They relate to providing that buffer between home and work—on the commute, working at home, being a focused not distracted parent.

There are times when I take the bus home. Often one of my neighbours is on the bus but does not always get off at our common stop. He, in fact, gets off a few stops ahead and walks along a foot path for a few blocks. I suspected what he was doing but one day I asked him. He has three young children and on particularly stressful days he isn't quite ready to see them. Although his commute provides him with that buffer, sometimes it needs to be a little longer.

One friend often said she needs and enjoys a longer commute. Fortunately when she is working, she has a good lengthy drive. I remmeber she referred to it as her time to unwind from the stresses of the day. One of the suggestions is to "treat your commute as a positive time to wind down and start the process of relaxation."

Many years ago, a friend related to me how his father would come in the front door. If he had been a little stressed and entered in a bad mood, he would often turn around and literally say "Let me try this again." And it worked both ways as sometimes there might have been some squabbling going on in the house which wasn't a particularly pleasant greeting in which case he'd turn and leave the house to return moments later hoping the situation had improved. This leads to the 3rd point was that if you need to rant and vent do it on your way home (silently) to yourself..."don't walk in the door at home and rant—nobody deserves such a greeting".

To be mindful of our stresses and to keep them in their rightful place again mentors certain behaviours to our children. Sometimes the stress is so large that we need to let our loved ones know it was a bad day and we need some time and space. But don't use that one too often. It's best to take these suggestions to heart and put our best foot forward.

Haikus and parenting

2007-09-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking over some of the books that come into our office for review purposes. It's amazing what people write about. The titles that promise the book will solve all of life's problems—well if not all of them at least those that we need to solve.

Here's one that won't solve any major problems but certainly it helps to reflect on parenting in small and playful doses. "Haiku Mama" by Kari Anne Roy has a subtitle (because 17 syllables is all you have time to read). It is very clever and worth picking up for some quick and thoughtful observations/reflections on parenting with some very simple graphics.

Some that I related to immediately on scanning the book—with the substitution of "Dad" for "Mom"—were:

Same book twenty times:
comforting for the baby
not so much for mom.

Learning the "mom" look:
Squint eyes, frown mouth, point finger.
But try not to laugh.

Forty thousand pounds:
How much stuff one baby needs;
afternoon car trip.

Don't make baby's mouth
into an airplane hangar;
food will just fly out.

Got me thinking about trying some parenting Haiku. I'm not so clever.

Letting go

2007-09-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last blog, it was hard saying goodbye to our daughter who is now on the other side of the country.

"Time heals" as they say. (Whoever they is?) And certainly knowing she is enjoying herself and settling into a new experience helps us start to feel okay about it all. We still miss her and have moments of sadness that she's not here but not as frequent as last week.

The point here is that as parents we need to let go. Our job is to provide an encouraging, nurturing environment that helps our children or teens to spread their wings.

An acquaintance of ours, when I spoke of our daughter leaving for the year in the Katimavik program stated emphatically that she just wouldn't let her children go. She is at a stage of her children being years away from such a time but it is worrisome to me that parents inhibit their children's need for autonomy by restricting or prohibiting them from participating in similar programs or experiences.

Too often in my experience,parents are not necessarily looking at these opportunities as beneficial to their children but detrimental to themselves or the family.Whatever age a child is, she/he needs to start to individuate and not be so enmeshed in the family that she/he misses out on some of life's greatest lessons. We do need to let go of the leash and let them explore the world on their terms.

Leaving home...

2007-09-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

She was wiping tears away from her eyes as she walked toward the plane. It had been a difficult last half hour or so—saying goodbye to family. The hugs were tight and the eyes teary. This was the start of yet another of our family journeys.

Our daughter was leaving home for a 9 month cross Canada adventure with Katimavik (see my previous blog). She was excited and scared. Ready to go forth yet wanting to stay put. For those she left behind there is a void. Her upbeat and vibrant enthusiastic 18 year old personality will be sorely missed. That wrenching, immediate change is so difficult. The long goodbyes with friends over the past week seemed endless. At one point over the weekend, knowing the pain of separation is forthcoming, you want to have her go now and not prolong the agony.

We've heard from her. She arrived safely in Montreal. But that's it for now. She's on to her new adventure—meeting new friends, learning new skills, living with a group—and we're not sure when our next contact will be.

One of our feelings through the sadness of the departure was that this is truly the right thing for her to be doing. She will have one of those life-changing experiences and grow beyond the maturity that we have witnessed these past few years.

Letting go is hard to do but as parents we must let go and let them go explore their world. It is a selfish act to keep them at home because that is safe for us.

Remember the butterfly saying:

Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight it will crush, hold it too loose, it will fly.

New Beginnings - Back to School

2007-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that September is just around the corner, actually one more sleep and with it brings a new school year. Funny how we almost equate the school year to a new year. Our rhythm of life is dictated by the seasons and the Fall brings not only a new school year but the feeling of fresh starts.

In our latest issue of Island Parent, a few of the articles speak of the school year in terms of beginnings. Although my two are finished with public education—one having just graduated in June—the new school year shopping for books and supplies has subsided.

But a new beginning it still is. In some of my earliest blogs, I wrote of change being an integral part of life and this Fall our household is seeing a dramatic change. Our daughter, our youngest of two, has been accepted into "Katimavik"and will be heading off for nine months to live with a group of eleven 18 -21 years and work in 3 different communities across Canada. Truly a life-changing experience but we will not see her until next June unless we venture to one of the communities for one of her few 48 hour leaves. What a dramatic change for our household.

Our daughter on the one hand is quite excited about her adventure but is emotional as this week has been about saying goodbye to many friends who are departing for other parts of the world. She is enthuiastic about the prospects that lay ahead but sad to let go of seeing many of her friends on a day to day, week to week basis. She has been quiet and teary in the midst of happy rejoicing.

Each Fall brings new changes and new beginnings, some relatively minor but most with some significance for either the parent (first child off to Kindergarten) or child (going from elementary to middle school). As parents we need to have some compassion for what each family member may be going through, the anxiety that they may be feeling or the emotions brought on from impending change and newness.

Whatever the magnitude of change that comes to pass in your household, by recognising that change is forever with us and that we can make it a positive or negative experience by how we as parents face it. We are the models—the mentors—that our children look up to for reassurance and support.

Parent Education

2007-08-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have been asked to facilitate a series for Parents of Teens in the late fall. Well actually on finding the organization was looking for a facilitator, I thought why not me. I am publisher of a parenting magazine. I taught school for many years. And I worked with teens in summer camps. I am also just at the end of my "career" as a parent of teens. What better qualifications?

In thinking about this upcoming session, I am gravitating to articles and books on teens. I am also thinking about what "pearls of wisdom" I can pass along.

Well I guess the first thing is that as much experience as I've had, there are certainly many situations that I have not come across personally. As parents, we often are faced with situations that are new or at least a little different than ones we've encountered before or heard about. We're also not always prepared for the unexpected when it hits us from out of nowhere. How do we cope? How will I answer the questions or respond to the situations that participants may bring up?

Parent Education isn't about easy answers. Quick solutions do not usually work. There is really no tried or true formula that we can conjure up—as much as we'd like to.

Often the answers lie within us. From our past experiences, conversations with other parents, being open to new or even old ideas, all help us deal with the dilemmas facing parents.We take the ideas from the various sources—books, interviews, magazines, shows,etc.—and use those that most suit our values and beliefs.

Another thought that I've had is that we as parents are the models—the mentors—to our children. We need to think more about our actions than our words. What we do, how we walk tghe talk is so important an influence on our children's life. An example of this is how parents continually jump in to save the child and I don't mean in a life and death situation but in some day to day situations. What message does that send to the child? One is that the child may soon feel incompetent and totally reliant on the parent. When a parent nags about something but does not follow through on consequences or actually ends up doing the chore. What message are we sending the child?

At the end of the LIFE Seminar courses that Allison Rees puts on many parents admit that the children's behaviours have changed because the parents behaviour has changed.

Parent Education is an ongoing process. When we get in "ruts" or habits, we really have to look at our behaviours, not our children's behaviours, to see what's really going on.

Poor Choices in Teen Friendships

2007-07-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Has your child had a friend who you have felt was not a desirable relationship? When they are younger and more dependent upon you as a parent, it sometimes is easier to steer them away from those friendships. As they become teenagers and they are spending more time away from us, it is more difficult to ensure their relationships with other teens does not lead to problems. A fine balance between too much interference and control and keeping your child safe.

In earlier blogs, I have have written about risk-taking and responsibility seeking behaviours of teens. In a way undesirable friendships are similar. When teens seek out and find friends that may exert some negative influence, we may need to come up with some strategies that keep them safe.

"Breaking up your teen's friendship is hard to do" is the title of a recent column by Anthony Wolf in the Globe and Mail. Dr. Wolf gives two options for dealing with this type of scenario (although I'm sure there are many). The first is to tell your teen to "ditch the friend" which carries the risk of alienating your teen or having the friendship go underground. Not a good solution.

The second looks at the behaviour of your teen not the friend. Talk openly about behaviours that are uinacceptable not talk about the friend. Wolf talks about "upping the surveillance" which sounds a little cloak and daggerish to me but really is just saying that as parents we need to be more attuned to our teens and their whereabouts. It isn't an in your face awareness but being available to them and keeping in touch with them. Showing a genuine interest in them and their world will help keep the connections open and allow conversations about their peers and ability to express concerns you may have with the friends.

The real message I took from the article is about communication and being there for your teen. It is at this point in parenting that many parents step way back because they think their teen doesn't want them around. The teen wants the support just not the interference and controlling behaviours that some parents exert.

The article is worth a read.

Couple Time

2007-07-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

Friends returned from a trip to Hawaii with the 1st annual Hawaii Parent Guide. They had thought of me and Island Parent when they saw it (as their own children well into their adult years).

I'm always interested in looking at other parenting magazines both for content and design. Whatever the design, there does seem to be some consistent parenting themes that are not specific to a certain country or region.

"Remember to Have Couple Time" caught my eye. It was a short piece with some very good points that we have heard before but are worth repeating and taking to heart. I've taken liberty to abbreviate the points.

Set up a date: regular, weekly without interruptions

Use "I" messages: state your feelings without blame, example say "I feel..." not "You make me feel..."

Be direct and specific: this is where I sometimes am not clear in my relationships—I often think people are thinking what I'm thinking.

Avoid some direct questions: questions can sound accusing, "Why didn't you call me..." can be easily replaced by an "I" statement such as "I was worried when you didn't call..."

Listen: take time to really listen, don't interrupt or jump to conclusions.

Compliment each other: take time to say something positive especially at the end of your couple time.

Too often, as I've said before, we don't take enough care of ourselves. Modelling behaviours that show positive relationships and healthy boundaries, give our children important life lessons. Take time for yourself and your relationship.

Family Outing on Bikes

2007-07-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

He was standing at the side of the road, straddled over the frame of his bike, looking back. He was about 9 years old. Further back down the road was Dad on a bike pulling a his 5 year old brother on a tag-along (bike extension with bike seat and pedals).

Dad, too, was looking still further down the road, where I could glimpse Mom on bike with a child trailer. It looked odd from my vantage point—the trailer that is—with the usual top and front netting but there was a wheel jutting out from the back. How odd, I thought, until I neared her and realised that another bike was perched precariously on top of the trailer and inside were two more boys. I guessed the brothers to be about 7 and 3 year-olds.

After I turned around, I came upon the family, now together but regrouping. The bike coming off the child trailer and starting to head off to continue their ride.

That night tired and exhausted Mom and Dad may be thinking about the adventure and saying to themselves, "Never again," while the boys were in their beds thinking of the great time they'd had. Well that's how I'd like to think of it. Who knows what each would be thinking but after time, I'm sure it will be remembered fondly.

As I looked back on my bike adventures with our two children, they were picnics compared to this. Well there was the time of riding from our campground to Chemainus and back one afternoon when we did have some tire trouble and had to walk the last mile or so.

Look after yourself

2007-07-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

"If you were to care for yourself the way you care for others, what would that look like?"

This, from parent educator, Allison Rees, is the Island Parent website quote of the week. As I was putting it up on the site, I was reminded of the fact that too often parents (especially Moms) do not take enough time for themselves. Each of us needs to rejuvenate in some way. We need to take some time for ourselves away from family pressures and demands. Yes, kids need to be looked after but if we don't look after ourselves—and I come back to this many times—we are not modelling healthy lifestyles. We are mentors and with that comes the responsibility of "actions speak louder than words".

These are not selfish acts (unless taken to the extreme) but merely actions that give us a break from those demands of children.

How does it look? For each it may be different - for some a solitary time, for others getting together with a friend.
All will involve having your children being taken care of by a babysitter, another parent (swap childminding), a family member (grandparent, aunt, uncle, partner) or a friend. A neighbour of ours with three young children, goes for a run when her spouse arrives home from work.

What would it look like depends upon your idea of taking a break. The list is endless but what's important is that you do something for yourself on a regular basis.

Get some exercise. Take a hike or walk or run by yourself or with someone.

Meet for partner or a friend for coffee.

Make a date for dinner and a show.

Go window shopping.

Be a tourist in your town.

Go for a picnic.

Whatever it is, make a date with yourself to take a break. Trust me, you and your family will all benefit.

The Negativity Cycle of Friendship

2007-07-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

Knowing your child has best friends is a good thing, right?

Well apparently a recent study reported that some friendships are based upon a cycle of negativity. That is, young girls (mainly) and boys get into a friend relationship that starts to focus on problems they are having with peers or parents, at school or at home, and it spirals to a point that the friendship is thriving more on the negative thoughts and experiences not positive ones.

Sorry, I cannot find the reference but I certainly see that sometimes friendships of young (and old) get into patterns which can be either negative or positive. One thing the study's author said was that as parents we should be aware of our children's friends (not always an easy task) and try to move them away from such friendships (an impossible task with teens). Sometimes the result of these types of friendships can lead to emotional problems such as increased anxiety.

Just another thing to think about as a parent.

5 Tips to Beat the Heat

2007-07-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

As a parent experiencing this summer heat—that we in Victoria are not used to—I am sometimes looking for the quick tips that help our kids through a heat wave.

The Canadian Red Cross' BC Coastal Region sent out the following five tips:

1) Drink plenty of cool fluids especially water.
2) Avoid being outdoors unless in the shade between 10 am and 4 pm, the hottest part of the day.
3) Slow down activities. Exercise in brief periods.
4) Take frequent breaks in the shade or indoors.
5) Dress in light coloured, light weight and loose clothing. Wear a hat.

For other safety tips for the heat visit the Vancouver Island Health Authority website and click on the various links in their "Stay Cool this Summer" box.

Regrets

2007-07-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

I just noticed a couple of pieces by Siri Agrell in today's Globe & Mail about regrets.

The first, Harbouring regret, relayed the story of a blogger Frank Warren who collects peoples secrets and regrets and has published a book, Lifetime of Secrets. I found this interesting because if asked "What regrets do you have?", I would be hard pressed to give an answer. (These sorts of questions often stump me. You know the ones like "What is your favourite book?", "What was your best job?", "What's your favourite colour?" etc. etc.)

Here are thousands of people sending postcards to Mr. Warren with their heartfelt and tearful regrets. And I don't really have any.

But my point comes with the second article, Ditching regrets can heal more than the soul. I feel the title sums up something I truly believe. As much as we may have regrets, we cannot relive the past. Too often we have some regrets—although I can't put my finger on any at this moment—about something we've done or haven't done to a family member (father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, son, etc.) or a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger.

If we harbour these regrets and let them fester over time, it cannot bode well for our health (physical and emotional). Apologies and confessions will certainly help the soul. But most of all we need, in some way, with or without professional help, to move forward with our life and leave regrets in the past.

As parents and adults, we need to mentor our children by showing them that we can move beyond regret and learn from the situations that may have caused the regret in the first place.

This brings to mind and the end of my thoughts on this, the Mother Teresa quote that I mentioned quite a while ago:

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. We have only today. Let us begin."

Babies lying (i.e. not telling the truth)

2007-07-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

As parents, we often discuss the philosophical issues surrounding this behaviour in our children.

But babies...

an article in the Globe & Mail Sneaky babies learn to lie before they talk caught my eye. Upon reading the article that cited a study from the University of Portsmouth, I realized, from some of their examples, that babies can or do indeed lie.

I have witnessed babies who have cried to get the attention of the parent but are not really distressed. One mother noted that she watched her baby cry then stop and wait for a response, then cry again.

Babies are really looking for the social interaction. The cause and effect of learning is very much a part of their learning curve. The article and the study both contend that they are being manipulative but not necessarily being deceitful as they have not really wrestled with the rights and wrongs of lying.

This is where parents need to really look at the behaviours of their child(ren) and realise that we don't always have to respond to their every cry. One parent of 6 that I know had triplets and she just couldn't be there every time they cried. She learned very quickly—to save her sanity and give her time to rest—when the cry is one of distress and need.

Parents of only children sometimes need to put things in perspective and not be available at every whim or cry of the child. They will survive.

That's what I believe anyway.

Grads and memories

2007-06-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

Our youngest graduated from Secondary School and had her final dinner/dance last night. What an exciting time for her and her classmates.

She looked beautiful, if I do say so myself. Before heading to the dinner a number of her friends gathered at our house for pictures between the rain showers. They looked radiant in their dresses and tuxedos—all grown up and ready to conquer the world. Some of the girls and boys went to Kindergarten with her, others have been adopted into her circle of friends over the years.

It's all about community when you look at it. Seeing these fine young men and women brought a flood fond memories from the many years they have been together. Parents simply stood back surveying the scene in the lobby of the hotel where the banquet was held. A happy time but some had tears in their eyes, shaking their heads in disbelief. "Where has the time gone?"

After the grads had settled in to their festivities, a group of us (parents) retreated to a local restaurant to celebrate amongst ourselves. Talk ranged from past to present and on into the future. Some of us even pulled faded pictures from our wallets. It was fun to be together as we all knew that some of us may drift apart without the "glue" of our children binding us.

Each moment we have with our children is precious be it as an infant, toddler, child or teen. Treasure and celebrate those times but remember our job is to step back and let them blossom in their own way.

Obese? overweight? What's in a name?

2007-06-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Child obesity seems to be on the rise. At least that is what is being reported a great deal in the media.

There were a number of articles in the Globe and Mail about obesity and kids' level of fitness. One of the articles,Tough talk on a heavy issue, explores the issue of childhood obesity and also about the necessity for doctors to tell parents that their child is overweight or obese.

How did we get to this place that many of our children are overweight and obese? A lot has to do with our sedentary lifestyle of television and video games, the food we are eating, and how in one breath we talk about more fitness yet do not provide enough Physical Education and fitness in our education system.

The health of this generation is at risk for increased diabetes and other weight related problems.

Two of the other articles spoke to getting our kids fit through child-centred fitness centres and some TV shows that promote activity.

It all begs the question of what are we as parents doing? Although I'm sure the producers of the TV shows and owners of the fitness centres are well-intentioned, do we need our kids to be in front of TV's or on stationary bikes with video games to get fit.

Dr. Heather McKay of the Vancouver Coastal Health Research Institute at the end of one of the articles seems to sum things up as I see it. She states, "...And I don't think you're going to solve the obesity epidemic with thousands of video interactive games."

Parents need to be proactive. We need to be positive role models for our children. Fitness Centres are not bad but we need to make some other choices to ensure and active and healthy lifestyle for our children. Walking not driving to school. Ensuring that they are eating healthy foods. Getting out and playing in the parks and playgrounds with our children. Teaching them some active games.

Do something active on a daily basis.

Fears, Worries and Anieties

2007-06-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Our radio show today was a discussion about fears, worries and anxieties and how we as parents can help our children if they become constant inhibitions and overwhelming.

Although everyone experiences these natural feelings, there are times that they can be detrimental to our child's emotional health and well-being. As parents, we need to be cognizant of the signals that let us know that they are more than normal. Signs may be disturbed sleep patterns, stomach aches, headaches, tiredness, irritability, etc. Also some children's genetic makeup, character and temperament may be factors that accentuate these three feelings.

We, Allison and I, discussed a number of things parents can do to help their child overcome the fears, worries and anxieties. Again communication is the key. Sharing some of your own concerns when you were their age, lets them know these are normal feelings.

Allison suggested setting aside a time for sharing worries. Asking a child with respect to a specific event (an upcoming game or practice) or merely what the worries may be in general, gives your child the oppportunity to let you know what's bothering them. Kids often have misinformation or misperceptions about the world and sharing their worries may allow you to talk to them and give some facts which may alleviate the situation.

When talking about anxiety make sure you let them know it's okay to be anxious and normalise it. Often just letting them know it's normal, helps them get through it.

If your child is overly anxious—statistics say that 1 in 10 are—you should probably seek some professional help.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, today June 26th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (July 1st) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Endings and Beginnings

2007-06-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

She sat on stage with her blue gown draped over her body and cap perched on her head. She showed with tears and laughter, smiles and hand-holding, nods of her head a variety of emotions. A young lady ready to go forth and save the world yet sad by the fact that many of those who shared the world would not be fully part of her forthcoming journeys.

I remember her as a quiet young girl "graduating" from preschool. Actually it was an evening picnic at a local waterpark where the preschool teacher and families got together to thank each other for the past couple of years. Then our young lady was "graduating" from grade 7, again the excitement of new challenges and some sadness of leaving the elementary school that had provided a security blanket of caring staff and families over 8 years. And now she is a woman looking to a future of exciting opportunities and challenges.

Graduating sounds like the process is gradual but the ceremonies of graduation seem more like a chasm between an ending and a beginning. They hold a range of emotions for both parents and students. It is truly one of those bittersweet times where there are tears of sadness and farewells coupled with the excitement of new challenges ahead.

In my second blog, I wrote about parenting in relation to the book “The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them” by David Richo. The first is that Everything Changes and Ends.

Here our family is at an ending. It's hard to believe that baby—our daughter—has graduated and is moving on.

At times, as parents, we would like the time to stand still but it doesn't. There will be many fond memories and perhaps a few regrets but life moves on and new paths are taken. It is an exciting time as a parent to see your child maturing into a responsible adult and accepting the challenges that will be thrown at them in the coming months. We must still be there for them and help them in a variety of ways but it is now up to them to move forward with their life, on their chosen path.

We must accept the changes and endings, celebrate the accomplishments and look forward to the future.

All the best to the class of 2007.

Boundary Buster #5 - Punitiveness and ANGER (cont.)

2007-06-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

Continuing the idea of de-escalating your anger, which Allison and I were talking about on our radio show, there is an acronym for ANGER that she uses in her Parent Child Connection Course.

A - Attend to your early signals of anger. What do you feel in your body? When you are aware of the early signals you can have strategies and choices around your behaviour.

N - Negotiate with those around you. Don't talk about the issues but choose a later time to discuss. Come up with a signal to let others know you are angry and need space. E.g. "Give me five."

G - Gear down from the behaviours to giving some thought to what and why certain things are triggering your behaviour. (This part is done alone - by yourself.)

E - Express your feelings and needs more assertively.

R - Resolve issues if possible, either through conflict resolution or within yourself.

If you'd like a more complete explanation of these steps, please click HERE.

For more on punitiveness and ANGER, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 19th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 24th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #5 - Punitiveness and ANGER

2007-06-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Had an interesting discussion with Allison Rees in our taping session for Island Parent Radio today. We were continuing our series on parental "Boundary Busters" and got talking about submissiveness, permissiveness and punitiveness.

We opened with the introduction of the "Irritation-Anger-Guilt Cycle" that sometimes parents get caught up in. The irritating whine of a child can set off the cycle leading to anger then guilt. The angry parent lashes out verbally or even physically where the guilty parent may end up submitting—giving in—to the child's whining demands.

Alllison went on to say that we need some strategies to extricate ourselves from the cycle but more than that we need to look at ourselves and see where the behaviour is coming from. Our life experiences often determine the responses we give.

A punitive/angry parent punishes too much and frequently. They are given to using the child to vent hostility. The parent's behaviour may be verbal, physical or even just lecturing (but frequently). Over-ruling the child by force and ignoring the child's feelings in favour of their own.

As a parent realising they have an anger issue there are ways to de-escalate the anger. Here are some suggestions from Life Seminars course "The Parent Child connection":

1. "Time out" yourself when you start to get angry.
2. Have a 'hands in pocket" rule when you get angry. Don't touch your child at all when you are stressed.
3. Give other family members permission to leave the room if they feel they are being violated. (I mentioned to Allison on this point that often an angry person will follow the people out of the room, pound on doors, etc.)
4. Watch what you think and challenge old belief systems.
5. Let your children talk to you about their fears and your behaviour. (Again this is difficult and may make you feel ashamed but you must counter this with learning to change your behaviour.)

On the next blog I will review the Anger Chart which is part of this list.

For more on punitiveness and ANGER, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 19th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 24th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #4 - Over-Indulgence

2007-06-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Spoiling our children with material things is just one form of over-indulgence. Over-indulged kids grow up not feeling satisfied with what they have—always wanting more.

We, as parents, over-indulge by giving in to their every demand. The cry, "I'm bored." results in parents stopping and becoming the entertainment centre. Whatever happened to creative play and kids just finding things to do?

As our children get older they need to take on some responsibilities. We can help by giving them an allowance so they can save up for that treasured item. Sometimes they will even learn that the "treasured" item is not so great after all. Another of "Life's lessons learned."

Getting a job when they reach 15 allows them some spending money and realising that parents are not going to always give them what they want. In fact, parents need to take a lesson from the two year olds of the world and say "NO" to some of their children's demands.

Allison reminded me of a caller to our radio show (years ago) who spoke of his 22 year old daughter who had a couple of jobs, an apartment but spent her money on clothes and other material goods. When it came time to pay the phone bill she came begging to daddy. This habit was started long ago and as the father commented, she had not learned the value of money because she had always counted on dad to give her money or buy her things.

What lessons do we teach our children when we over-indulge them? Lessons that mom or dad will come to their rescue and they really do not have to take on these responsibilities.

For more on over-indulgence and over-protection, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 12th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 17th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Boundary Buster #3 - Over-Protection

2007-06-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

Mother and son walk to school each day hand-in-hand. Lovely thought and sight except that the son is now 10 years old.

As parents we need to watch out that we are not over-protecting our children. Part of growing up and maturing is making mistakes and becoming independent. We, as parents, can sqelch that process by not allowing our children their independence by becoming over-protective and smothering.

Think about yourself and how you would feel to have another person always "hovering" around you. We all need our space and children need it just as much as adults. We do need to be aware of our children and where they are but as they grow older, we need to step back and out of the picture and allow them their space.

Over-protection is Boundary Buster # 3.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Tuesday June 12th at 7 pm (PST) or Sunday morning (June 17th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Family Boundaries - Intrusive Parents

2007-06-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in my last blog, Allison and i were talking about common "boundary busting" behaviours of parents. The second behaviour Allison highlighted was about being intrusive.

Intrusiveness includes such behaviours as entering a room without the courtesy of knocking especially an older child or teenager. Not respecting their right to privacy and being interrupted. Reading a child's diary or checking up on their MSN messages is invading their privacy. Yes you can be concerned but if you have ahd an open dialogue and worked with them over the years then you probably don't need to be intrusive and violate their trust.

Too often I feel children are not given the respect that we accord adults yet adults expect and even demand respect from them.

Allison gave an example of a hypothetical situation in which a mother decides to clean up her son's room and collect his old toys and clothes for a garage sale. When he comes home to find his room stripped of some of his things the response is that she thought that he wouldn't mind and she took it upon herself to "clean up" his space.

We discussed the message or lesson for this boy. What he has learned that it is okay for people to take the liberty to take other people's things. Allison mentioned that something the boy may also learn is that it is alright for him to go into his mother's purse and take money because "she doesn't need it."

Whatever we do in a consistent manner whether it is using controlling behaviour as I blogged last time or being intrusive, we are sending out underlying messages to and lessons for our children. We set the bar and our behaviour is the standard to which our children aspire. We need to watch the boundaries and clearly respect them if we expect reciprocal behaviours from our children.

The next "boundary buster" of parents is over-protection.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (June 10th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Family Boundaries - Controlling Parents

2007-06-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

On our recent radio show Allison and I discussed two parental "boundary busters"—issues of over-control and intrusiveness.

The first of these "boundary busters" is really about the parent who continually nags and coerces his child. You know the type. From morning wake up to bedtime, he is constantly on about getting dressed, eating, doing homework, etc. etc. etc.

In our discussion, we talked about the legacy we are leaving our children if we are guilty of this continual "nagging". What is the lesson that our children learn from this parental behaviour? Well, as Allison says, the child will learn to be a procrastinator and not take on or learn responsibilty.

Part of our role as a parent is to teach our child about responsibility and becoming more self-reliant. How do we stop this behaviour?

If you recognise yourself as the "nagger", that is the first step to changing your behaviour for the good of your child. From there you need to check your nagging at the door. Revert to a short one word reminder if necessary and allow for some natural consequences to take place. We learn by experience and sometimes the experience is a mistake.

Next time I will share some thoughts on intrusive behaviour of parents.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (June 10th) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

The Trouble with Parenting Articles

2007-05-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

She is a mother of three aged 9, 4 and 1. A girl and two boys respectively. A bit of a balancing act especially when you've just opened a new store. She wouldn't trade them for anything in the world—in fact would love to have many more. (Maybe she loved the movie/book "Cheaper By The Dozen".)

Anyway, the point she made to me about many articles and books about parenting is that they are written as if everyone has just one child. It seems that her impression is that most of the writers have become experts with only one child. I heartily agree that many times the advice we're given is by experts and professionals who maybe are only dealing with one child.

Every situation is different. The single parent with two or more children has challenges that a parent of one does not really encounter. I know that as a parent of two with a partner there is some juggling but generally very manageable. With three or more children and even two parents it's not always easy. Sometimes it's nice for a parent to separate them all—the old divide and conquer rule.

With parenting articles, we may end up feeling guilty or incompetent because the ideas just don't work for us. As I've said before don't take them all too seriously or literally, adopt the ideas that work for you and, by all means, use your commonsense.

As much as we'd like to find there is a magic solution to our challenges—there isn't—so try your best.

Second Chance

2007-05-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

In the June issue of Island Parent, Allison Rees writes in her Cut It Out! column about second chances. One of the things that I like about this approach is that one, it shows our children that we make mistakes and would like to have a chance to do it over—replay it in a different way—and two, that people take some responsibility for their actions.

As I've said in past blogs our generation of parents don't always model behaviours that show our children that we all make mistakes and by learning from them we grow into better human beings. Too often, we are quick to blame the other person or other people—government, businesses, etc.—instead of taking the responsibility for our actions. How do children learn if all they see is adults blaming others and not owning up to their mistakes.

You don't always have a second chance but opportunities arise that you can apologise for a certain behaviour and at least let people know what you'd do next time. A great way to teach our kids some of life's important lessons.

Unconditional Love & Unconditional Parenting

2007-05-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

The other day I blogged about helping in the development of our children's self-esteem. One of the concepts in assisting this development is giving our children unconditional love. What does that mean or look like exactly?

In a strict sense it means not placing any conditions on the love of your children. You love them no matter what happens. You may not like what they did or how they behaved BUT you still love them.I'm not saying it's easy but in whatever interaction we have with our children, they need to know and understand that we love them. Taking away love or making love conditional on behaviour does harm to our children.

One of our forum members posted that her favourite parenting book was Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

In reading an interview with Kohn, I was struck by a number of comments he made about today's parent. He states that "The real parenting epidemic in our society is the tendency to overcontrol children." On this I would agree wholeheartedly. Too often parents seem to be looking for ways to control their children, manipulate their behaviour, and intrude on their space.

The second point that Kohn makes is that "Kids don't need us to back off and let them do whatever the hell they want, any more than they need us to control them....The real alternative to doing things TO kids is to work WITH them."

Although I have not read the book, both of the above statements resonate with me. Children are persons in their own right and as such need and deserve the love and respect that we expect to have accorded to us.

The concept of unconditional love requires a shift of thinking and acting on the part of parents. We need to rethink and reframe our responses and communication with our children.

Try to think of how to work with your children in difficult situations and they still know that they are loved.

"When your child is the least loveable, he needs the most love." (A quote that inspired my blog of May 11th.)

Give yourself a break

2007-05-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Don't actually know why this popped into my head. As a family we are in a good space, things are going well. I guess I often hear that parents are taking themselves too seriously and not letting go.

Often we, as parents, beat ourselves up over actions we've taken that we regret. You know the times-yelling at our children in a fit of anger, grounding our teen in the heat of the moment and other situations we'd like to forget.

If these happen on a regular or frequent basis then we maybe need to seek some help. Whether it's talking to a friend or family member to get some ideas or even to meet with a professional to discuss strategies for avoiding such actions.

However, often, these are actions are infrequent and need us to move on and not dwell on the situation. In most cases, they will not harm our children irreparably. But we dwell on it and "beat ourselves up" over it.

After apologizing and perhaps making amends in some way, we need to move on.

Here's a thought that I'd like to share from Mother Teresa:

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.

Fresh starts! Give yourself a break and your child a hug! Have a good day.

Developing Healthy Self-Esteem in our Children (2)

2007-05-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I mentioned the Self-Esteem Pitfalls that Allison Rees talks about in her LIFE Seminars course entitled the Parent-Child Connection.

As parents assisting in the development of healthy self-esteem in our children Allison speaks of the 3 "A's" and then has added a fourth "A" which gives a further boost to self-esteem.

Acceptance is just that! Accepting our children for who they are and not trying to make them into replcas of ourselves or what we want them to be. Each child through nature has certain characteristics and as parents we need to accept those traits. Some children are not really interested in sports or music or art—it is not in their make-up. We can offer them opportunities to try things out but do not expect them to latch onto everything. Too often I have seen parents having unrealistic expectations of their son/daughter.

The next "A" is Affirmation. By understanding our children, knowing their interests and aptitudes allows us to give them the support and affirmation they need in developing their healthy self-esteem.

Affection is not just the hugs—although they are important—but the kindness in the way you speak and the reflective listening you exhibit with your child. Loving actions help children feel safe and accepted.

Finally Attunement is an extension of affirmation. Attunement is when you really know your child and her likes and dislikes. You understand where they are coming from with their words and behaviours. Being sincerely curious about your child's likes and dislikes, shows your interest. Watch out for stepping over boundaries with older children/youth and not being intrusive but certainly to shape you observations and questions that show your genuine care for the child as an individual person.

Unconditional love is the overriding theme for developing this healthy self-esteem in our children.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, on Sunday morning (May 27) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

Developing Healthy Self-Esteem in our Children

2007-05-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

Do you know a person who must always "win" —be the best—whether its marks in school or points in a game? They seem to base their self-view or self-importance on being the winner.

How about a person who is a perfectionist? They do not feel or seem to derive satisfaction from anything they do.

Is there a person you know that is always needing to be seen as "being good"? They need to please or impress others. It is not about being themselves but the view of others.

Chances are these people are experiencing low self-esteem. Much of what they do is not from intrinsic motivation—doing it for themselves—but from external motivations—doing it for others or what they perceive others to want.

On Island Parent Radio today, we had a lengthy discussion on self-esteem - what it means, why it is important and what parents can do to help their children develop healthy self-esteem.

A great deal comes down to communication with our children. First we need to ensure, by way of our responses and talk, that we don't encourage perfectionism, being the best or being good.

Secondly, as parents, we need to employ what Allison Rees refers to as the 4 A's.

Acceptance, Affirmation, Affection and Attunement.

I'll elaborate on these in coming blogs.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, tonight Tuesday May 22 at 7 pm (PST) or on Sunday morning (May 27) at 9 am (PST) and hear our complete discussion.

One Parent's Challenge

2007-05-17T15:55:00.000-07:00

Flipping through the Life section of the Globe & Mail, I came across an articleBrought together by Dad's burritos, which was an excerpt from a book Dinner with Dadby Cameron Stracher. Upon Googling the name I came up with, not only the Book, but the Stracher's blog, also titled Dinner with Dad.

What I found interesting about the idea behind the book and, in part, the blog is Stracher's self-imposed challenge: "Dinner with Dad, five nights a week" for a year. He was a self-described Type A personality who was never home for dinner but on the occasion when he was in the kitchen, he quite enjoyed it.

Do we as parents need to be challenging ourselves to do something different? To break some habits that take away from our quality of family life? What is it that each of us can do, like Stracher, to give us some meaningful connection to our kids and partners?

Dads and travelling with kids

2007-05-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Just received an email that was stating the results of a poll by a US online magazine,Interactive Dad. The survey was about dads on airplanes with their children. Not sure what prompted the poll in the first place but 33% said they were more likely than the mother to fly alone with their kids. Those who had travelled alone with their children 73% reported that they would do it again; 20% said they would think twice before doing it again and 7% said they wouldn't.

Again I'm not sure why the poll was taken or what it means but maybe there are reasons behind more mothers doing the travelling alone with kids. I know that in our family my wife has taken several trips—for a variety of reasons— over the years with the children on her own.

I do wonder what happened with the 20% and the 7% of respondents who would not or might not travel with their children alone. What would the mothers say to them? "Suck it up and be a man—you can handle it."

Conflict Resolution

2007-05-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Often we are bothered by something that's going on at home with a child or partner. Most of us grew up in families that were not open to children being part of the decision-making process. The seen and not heard was generally the name of the game. More often than not we believe that it is important for children to be part of decision-making processes in order for them to learn about taking care of themselves.

Yesterday, on our radio show Allison and I were discussing Conflict Resolution and the process of family decision-making. From her parenting workshops withLIFE Seminars, Allison talks about the 5 steps of conflict resolution.

The first step is identifying the problem. What is it that is bothering you? What is the issue? Being clear on what the issue is allows you to approach the other person or people and stating clearly the problem through "I" statements. By stating how you feel about a situation and not putting any blame out there decreases the likelihood of defensiveness. It is also important throughout the process to keep focus on the problem/issue at hand and not get side-tracked.

Number to is stating needs of both sides clearly. With a child, once the problem is identified whether its the breaking of curfew for a teen or the desire of an 8 year-old to walk to school with friends, it is probably a good idea to have them state their needs first. It is important for both (all) sides to be aware of each person's needs.

Brainstorming solutions with no judgements attached is the third part. This can be an enjoyable session with silly as well as practical ideas being shared. Without judgement, each person feels safe in putting forth his/her idea of solutions to the problem.

Coming up with a plan follows the brainstorming part. What ideas are acceptable and workable for all participants. This is a time that the parent needs to step back and not try to impose his/her solution. This will only make the whole conflict resolution exercise pointless.

Follow through is the fifth step. Making sure the plan is implemented and having a future time to check that it is working for the child and parents.

Although simple in format, for those of us not comfortable or conversant with conflict resolution, it takes practice. But it is a powerful tool if used with a genuine interest in our children's emotional and social development.

For more on this, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, this Sunday morning at 9 am (PST) and hear the complete discussion.

Mothers Day and beyond

2007-05-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

There was a lot in the news about Mothers last week. Of course some of it is because of the annual Mothers Day but some was related to work and mothers—that fine balancing act.

In the May 7th issue of Macleans there was an interview with Kate Fillion author of The Feminine Mistake. In the interview with Leslie Bennett, she argues that all women should work outside the home. She speaks of women's dependence upon men and how many times they are left stranded economically and emotionally because the partnership ends due to divorce, death or the man's loss of job to name three things.

Another piece about motherhood and work came in last Friday's Globe when Barbara Moses, a professional on career management wrote about the difficulties of the working mother. In many instances, Moses writes mothering and working have become extreme sports.

Fillion was very definite in her approach and certainly offered some compelling reasons for working outside the home but I did find that Moses ended by pointing out that each scenario is different and women (and men). She writes that women need to realise for themselves that "There is no perfect answer. I can't expect to have it all or feel great about everything in my life but I've thought about my options and this is what I choose and what is right now."

Whatever the answers are for individuals and families, both these articles reflect the ongoing debate/discussion of conflicted moms in our society.

Difficult times with kids

2007-05-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

There was a Mothers Day contest on a radio station and they were asking listeners to send in a piece of advice from their mothers.

Here is one of the entries that I think is worthwhile to remember:

"When your child is the least loveable, he needs the most love."

On occasion we, as parents, find ourselves exasperated with the behaviour of our sons or daughters. During a temper tantrum in a store or being mean to a sibling. Whatever the situation, however "rotten" the behaviour, we must somehow overcome our frustration or anger and show our unconditional love for the child. Often when we're dealing with difficult children, they and we lose the sight of the fact that we love them.

This can be very difficult. It is not to say you approve or condone the behaviour but you must get beyond it and find the underlying causes.

Most of all show your disapproval for the behaviour BUT also your love for the child.

Play's the Thing

2007-05-09T20:17:00.001-07:00

What do two Canadian Olympic medalists have in common? They are both are committed to promoting play for children. They come from two different perspectives and for differing reasons but both acknowledge the importance of play in a child's life.

Johann Koss an Olympic speed skater heads up Right To Play International. The mandate of this organization is to on helping children who are traumatized by war or living in undeveloped countries. He believes that by bringing play and sport to these children will help them in developing into physically, socially and emotionally healthy adults. Although Right To Plays focus is in the international arena, Koss has made comments about Canadians parents and children including "A lot of parents don't let their children outside in their own garden."

Play has also become the focus and passion of Silken Laumann and the subject of her best-selling book "Child's Play". Laumann cites that many of our children are inactive due to lack of physical activity and too much time watching TV, playing video games or spending time on the computer. Her Active Kids charity has been developed to help communities of parents get their children playing again.

Remember growing up with street hockey games, hopscotch and skipping, or neighbourhood games like Kick the Can or Capture the Flag. These seem to be missing from our neighbourhoods. Our parks appear to have more dogs than children. Sometimes you wonder where are all the people?

Our children need to be more active but not just in the structured leagues and sports. They need time for unstructured, creative and active play.

Recently I have seen a few ads on TV stressing the inportance of healthy activity. ACT NOW BC is an initiative that is promoting the idea that any physical activity is good for a healthy person and our community as a whole.

Take your child to the park today.

The Importance of Speaking

2007-05-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

You enter the living room and toys and books are strewn all over the floor. Your 8 year old has left the room and is playing elsewhere. You are frustrated as this is not the first time and guests are coming for dinner in an hour and picking up is the last thing you want to be doing.

What do you do? What do you say?

Getting angry and upset is not the solution. In fact it may lead to a minor battle.

On Island Parent Radio today, Allison and I talked about such a scenario and the importance of the language you use.The speaking circle that she suggests includes the following 4 segments:Making an observation; Stating your feelings; Stating your needs; and finally Making a request.

Using the above example you can make the observation ("I see there are books and toys all over the floor"). Simply what you see with no value judgement or general comment attached. ("You are messy" or "What a mess!")

"I am frustrated." is your feeling. To say you are angry lays some guilt or puts out a negative message which may inhibit what you want the desired outcome to be.

The need part may be simply: "I need some order."

Ending with a request such as, "Please pick up these toys and books and put them in your room before 5 pm."

This all seems simple, but the speaking circle allows you to be clear with whomever you are dealing and comes from "I" statements. It avoids unnecessary conflict with people and solves some problems before they escalate.

For more on this and other parenting topics, tune into Island Parent Radio on Village 900, Tuesday evenings at 7 pm (PST) and repeated Sunday mornings at 9 am (PST).

Dads and Fathering

2007-05-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at a day long parenting conference and noticed that there were not very many dads. One dad, who happens to write for us, also made a comment about the lack of male participants.

Now I know that dads are more involved these days than they were when I was growing up but it does seem to be the moms who take on a lot of the nurturing and organizing stuff of families. But what's happening here?

I think that I have been a fairly involved father over the years and I have attended to my children's needs although I must confess that my wife tends to take on more of the parenting "tasks"—participating in school committees, organizing pick ups ort drop off, etc.—partly due to her flexibility of work schedule and partly due to her nature.

Perhaps there is a "hard-wired" aspect to all of this. Women seem to enjoy the congregating in groups (such as the parenting conference).

I'm not sure it's totally fair to look at a conference attendance and think that men are not involved with parenting. They are just involved in a different way than mothers. Most, I would contend, do not take it on as much as the female parent but definitely more than previous generations.

A quick aside but somewhat related: I was watching an NBA basketball game over the weekend and one of the commentators stated how well a player was playing on this day than at the previous game. It turns out that he got a good sleep "last night" as opposed the "other" night when he was up in the night with the baby. The commentators both recalled those days in their lives and said the dad out there on the court was probably looking forward to the away games. (I'm not sure in a former generation that the dad would be up with the baby during the playoff season.)

Little boys and their toys

2007-05-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

I was scanning a new book about the brain (sorry I don't recall the title) but it was mentioning that it may be a fallacy that our brains are "hardwired".

Well the other day I was up Island and met a young dad with his 2 year old. I offered him an Island Parent magazine which he took but made the comment he'd love a magazine about tractors and machinery. I asked if he lived nearby to which he responded that he lived in the city but was out looking at machinery. Both dad and son were having an excursion doing men's stuff. I bet the toddler was just loving it—searching out things mechanical. Men and boys are hardwired for these types of things. (I remember as a youngster playing with cars and trucks for hours upon hours. My son too had this affinity.)

Earlier in the day a woman I had met got talking about Thomas the Tank Engine—a favorite at our house—and how her two year old is enthralled with Thomas. In fact he takes the little model to bed with him even though it is hard too cuddle.

I do think, in general, boys and girls, men and women are hardwired in certain ways. It is that combination of nature and nurture.

Teens STAND up!

2007-05-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

You know I've been talking about teens exhibiting risk-taking and responsibility seeking behaviours in past blogs.

Last night my wife and I attended at an incredible evening put together by our daughter's STAND (Students Taking Action Now for Darfur) Group. Thsi group of fifteen or so 17 and 18 year olds put on a fundraising (awareness raising) dinner auction for about 100 guests.

The program was varied, interesting, thought-provoking and fun. There was a dinner of Ethiopian food with entertainment provided by a local Marimba band. Other aspects included a silent auction, donation table with some small items for sale, door prizes, displays depicting what the students have learned about the genocide in Darfur region of the Sudan. Towards the end was a speaker who related some of his experiences in Africa and finally a speaking and video presentation by the students.

Indeed this was a night to remember. Not only for the message that this STAND group delivered but that it was organized totally by them. Their meetings were on the weekends and in the evenings. No adult participation was involved except in seeking contacts or donations.

The event raised several thousands of dollars and was as good or better than many events I have attended over the years that are put together by professionals.

Their Principal commented to me, "See what they can do when we're not involved."

It's events like this that remind us that teens are able to take on the responsibilities that sometimes we deny them.

Step aside and let them have a go at some things, they're more than up for the challenge.

Your Child's Health Affected by Your Stress

2007-04-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny but sometimes you see the results of a study and think that's a "no brainer." Last week in the Globe & Mail there was an article titled Mom, you're making me sick about the relationship between parental stress and children's health. The article began by discussing the findings of a research project by the University of Rochester which found that there was a relationship between parents with more worries and their children's health.

Parents these days seem to be stressed out and I find that they are caught up in the fact that their children must be involved, registered and enrolled in the right activities, teams and schools. The notion of "keeping up with the Jones's" has been kicked up to a higher level.

It is no wonder that kids may be feeling a little worse for wear these days. When do they have time to play with all the interfering adults controlling their every waking minute. Not everyone is caught up in the frenzy but certainly a good number.

Not only are the monetary costs high but so are the emotional costs. Parents may be working non-stop to pay the fees but they are also doing the running around to get their children to the various activities schools or whatever. A book that I've just scanned but may be a worthwhile read is Pause: Putting the Brakes on a Runaway Life byKatherine Gibson, a Victoria writer, educator and speaker (and I believe from what I have read a mother too!)

I feel I keep harping on the fact that we, as parents, need to be role models for our children in this harried, frenzied world. We need to show them a view of life that has more to it than the running around, being involved in more than we can actually have time for and not stopping to smell the roses and enjoy life.

Pause. Hug your children. Do something different today to show them what life should be like.

Spanking - What do you think?

2007-04-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

In a recent article in the Globe & Mail, Diane Flacks refers to a poll commissioned by that newspaper to find out what people think of corporal punishment (i.e. spanking). Presently there is legislation or a proposal for such a law before the Canadian Parliament asking that corporal punishment be added to the list of offences in the criminal code. (There is also some reference to bullying in this proposal.)

This may be seen as a difficult question because some people may argue that there are some extenuating circumstances where the last resort may be a spanking. Usually, I have seen that the extenuating circumstances are a frustrated parent at his/her wit's end and not finding a workable solution.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

By the way, if you didn't read the article by Diane Flacks, 42% of the respondents felt spanking was okay.

Success by 6

2007-04-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I attended a breakfast hosted by the Success By 6, South Vancouver Island. This organization has a mandate of supporting communities working together so that young children have access to programs and services that support their healthy growth and development.

One of things that I took away with me from the various speakers were that up to 25% of children from all socio-economic backgrounds are not ready for school (40% in some areas).This did not totally surprise me since I used to deal with children entering the Kindergarten year of a school and found that a certain percentage were not developmentally ready for this step. For healthy beginnings, in our present society, we need to be supportive of parents in many ways. They are under a great deal pressure either as single parents or parents both working outside the home.

Another point that I knew—both intuitively and, perhaps, from experience—was that language development in children is related to exposure from birth both in speaking with the child and reading to the child. Developing a bond with your child through regular reading times (bedtime comes to mind as ideal)and speaking to them increases their facility with language and vocabulary. Not all households necessarily set these aspects of child-raising as a priority.

A final point made was that our parks and playgrounds seem to be used more for walking our dogs than playing with our children. One such project funded by Success By 6 Peninsula Play Spaces is developing an informational map that highlights great spaces on the Peninsula with tips for what parents can do with their children at these parks. (That map is just being printed but should be out within the month.) They are hosting 3 Park Play Days which you can find on our calendar in May. We often assume that parents know what to do with their children in all situations. This is not always the case.

To help our children have the best possible chance we need to spend time with them to develop their mind body and spirit through simple activities such as speaking and reading to them on a regular and frequent basis and engaging them in outside play.

A Dad's Solutions to the World's Little Problems

2007-04-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's so long ago that my kids were teething, learning to walk, being potty trained, starting school, and now even learning to drive, that I love to hear the trials and tribulations of a new dad. How does one handle the crying baby when he/she is cranky from teething? I do remember walking them in their strollers or even taking them for a drive which usually put them to sleep. (Once we ended in Friday Harbour on San Juan Island (USA) when we were out for a soothing drive, but that's another story.)

I think I did try having a baby in a seat on a dryer because the hum and vibrations would lull them into a sound sleep but that may just be my imagination creating those fond memories of the good old days.

One thing I do remember is waking up from a sound sleep with one of my children asleep on my chest.

Back to the problem at hand, we have lots of advice given to us about how we should (or should not) solve our situation but often the solution comes to us out of the blue. As the new Dad says it just allows us to keep one step ahead because as we know the solutions don't always last.

Not Always According to Plan

2007-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

On my drive to work today, I heard a piece about a single father buying a condo for his 5 and 7 year-olds. (In fact they were part of the buying process.)

The idea behind the segment is that with the ever-rising costs of housing in the Lower Mainland (Vancouver area) and on the Island one solution (if you have the money) is to purchase a property now so that your children can afford to remain in the vicinity in 15 - 20 years. The condo will be rented out to help pay the mortgage, strata fees, taxes, etc. A noble thought.

The father was thinking ahead to ways of providing for his children. He said that he wanted his children to remain in the area and not even go away to university.

I was having a bit of difficulty with the concept of planning the children's life with these types of expectations.Earlier in my blogs, I mentioned that David Richo spoke in his book "The Five Things We Cannot Change..." about people needing to accept that things do not always go according to plan and things change.

Children need to have goals and aspirations of their own, not those of their parents.

This father has made an investment to assist his children in financial ways down the line. That is not a bad thing. What he needs to know is that the investment may not be realised in the way he envisioned. As much as he would like his children to be in close proximity to him, it may not be in his children's future.

As my children enter young adulthood, I realise that they are embarking down paths that may not find them close to home. That's okay. (I moved thousands of kilometres from my home some 20 years ago and I am sure my parents would have liked me to be closer.)

Two Many Choices

2007-04-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was speaking with my brother back East. During the conversation he mentioned hearing a radio conversation about the idea that this society has too many choices and it is not making people any happier. I would even say that is mentally paralysing for some.

I decided to Google “Two Many Choices” and got 36,700,000 references to those words. I clicked on three or four references on the first page. Quickly scanning them I found one was about choice of web sites for downloading photos; one referred to the overabundance of choice related to medical/drug plans for seniors; a third was a book review from 2000 whcih seemd too far back for me; and I stopped when I found one thoughtful piece from reasononline.

The article mentioned a number of books studies where the more choice given people resulted in less decisive action. But it went on to comment that for many people we have assistance in choosing and so for many people there really is no inertia or paralysis happening.

How does this relate to parenting?

I feel that there are a great many options out there for parents. What are the best ways to diaper your child? What preschool or school will he/she go to? Too many options and choices are out there for the everyday and the long term.

A lot about making choice is having a vision of what you and your partner want for your family. Your values are also an integral part of the vision and making informed choices. By relying on our vision, intuition and our values, it is often easier to make decisions.

Parental Habits

2007-04-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Just came across a book I've had for a number of years titled IF ONLY I'D SAID THAT (Volume II) by Peter Legge. In it he has a page entitled Make It A Habit. In some other readings, I have been thinking how we get into habits with our children. Some are good habits such as spending time with them in a variety of activities—regular play times, walks, bike rides, family game nights, whatever—and some may be deemed negative—nagging, scolding, lecturing ad nauseum. By practicing on a regular basis we can and do change our habits.

Michael Ungar challenges parents to Do Something Different. We get in the habit of doing things in certain ways. Perhaps we should look at the habit that has developed and determine if we can approach the situation in a different way.

To end off, here's one of Peter Legge's suggestions which I think is worth making a habit with our family and friends.

Make it a habit to tell people how you feel about them.
If you don't, they simply will never know.

Old Dad, New Dad

2007-04-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I can be classified as an old dad. In the past couple of days I have met with some new dads and it doesn't quite seem like yesterday that I was there. An advertiser dropped by with baby in tow (12 weeks old) and we all were quite enthralled by the cute sleeping bundle in her car seat. It takes you back to those days but they are in the distant past. My how time flies!

A few days back I was meeting with a fellow with whom I have worked in the past but he was childless then. Now he's father of a 3 year old and 3 month old, reading our magazine, blogging about his perspectives on fatherhood.It takes me back to the old days of having kids that age but my mind may reflect more fondly than the actual experience—not that we didn't enjoy them thoroughly.

It's the stages of parenting that are really exciting, albeit challenging at times. The preschool years lead you through to the excitement of elementary school and its array of activities. Soon enough your child has not only been through high school but is on to post-secondary experiences. It's been a great trip and still going on.

From an old dad, remember to enjoy your children each stage, they really are precious years.

Parents of Teens

2007-04-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I participated in a forum at a Middle School which was for parents of tweens or young teens. There were some great questions about how do we deal with our new teen in situations concerning cell phone use, computers and the internet, risky behaviours, etc.

I mentioned a couple of books that I would recommend highly (and have done so in past blogs).

Too Safe For Their Own Good: How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive by Michael Ungar. This is a great book for parents of teens to help them navigate through these years more easily. Lots of helpful hints with sections on how to think and do things differently when we seem to be caught in a rut.

The other book that I would recommend for parents of boys is Boy Smarts by Barry MacDonald. Great hints and ideas for engaging boys in meaningful communication and helping them grow up as confident mature young men.

Hope these are helpful in your journey as a parent of teens.

Parent Role Models

2007-04-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

On the topic of adult role models, what can parents do to ensure that their kid has that kind of support when you reach the place where they don't see you as a role model anymore? (This is a question that came from parents at a forum I will be attending this evening.)

I do believe that parents are role models for their children, forever. When we lose the respect of our children the role model has switched to being a negative one. Remember children and teens are looking for the opportunity to be independent, more mature and respected. If we as parents and adults don't give them the respect they are looking for and the opportunity to be more responsible and take some risks, then yes they will look elsewhere for role models—adult or peers—to fulfill their need.

Often when my children and their friends were younger teens (and to this day), we would hear references to what a parent thought, said or did in a respectful not derogatory way. Teens may not always say it to your face but they do love and respect the parent if they feel that love and respect in return. When we try to control their behaviours and become overly intrusive in their lives, then they do turn from us.

Sometimes it feels like a balancing act but we can be role models for our children/youth if “we walk our talk”.

Parenting Styles - Adolescent Bullying & Victimization

2007-04-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

That's quite a title! But here are the results from the study I referred to the other day about parenting's relationship to bullying—both bully and victim. First of all this was from a thesis by UVic student Alison Read. The survey of 664 adolescents between the ages of 12 and 19 was called the Healthy Youth Survey.

What I found interesting is that the researcher spoke of three parenting behaviours: parental psychological control, parental support and parental monitoring.

The first refers to parents being controlling in psychological ways—restricting autonomy, withdrawal of love or affection, manipulation of thoughts and feelings. These are points that have been made in my discussions on not allowing the youth to have certain risk in their lives.

The other two behaviours relate to the affection and support the parent has for their teen and how much they know about where the child is and who he/she is hanging out with. Both of these for me relate to how open the relationship and communication is between the parent and the youth. I would say that from the survey the monitoring is not of an intrusive sort but merely having a good idea of the youth's whereabouts.

The survey found that there is a direct corelation between higher levels of parental psychological control and higher levels of youth bullying and victimization. There was even a reference to the fact that this relationship is pronounced with fathers.

Both from the parents who model more supportive and/or monitoring behaviours with their teens the adolescent is less likely to be a victim or a bully.

From my experience in schools, I can see that where there have been victims of bullying the parents seem to have been more controlling and over-involved. When I mentioned moderation with the monitoring behaviour, I see that if it becomes intrusive that is a tendency to over-controlling and the child may end up either lying to the parent or become overly dependent on the parent which may lead to consequences that this study supports.

Parenting Types (continued)

2007-04-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last time I spoke of the dismissive parent and the disapproving parent. Both are traps we sometimes get into when dealing with our children's feelings and emotional issues.

The laissez faire parent is not really responsive to the feelings but more from a sympathetic rather than empathetic way. The feelings take over and the parent is almost gushing about the feelings. One bit of caution is that the laissez faire parent allows his/her own boundaries to be violated. As this type of parent, you allow the emotions to take over completely and then you may end up snapping. (Allison and I got into a talk on the show about passive-aggressive behaviour and I feel that the laissez faire type of parent may have these tendencies.)

What we are striving towards is the parent as the emotion coach. This type of parenting models effectively the ways to deal with the feelings expressed by our children. We talk about the feelings and what may have ccaused them. We don't sweep them under the rug or chastise our child for expressing them.

First of all we listen to our child to understand what the feeling is and what may be the underlying cause. Our daughter used to get very sleepy, saying she was tired for no apparent reason. Soon we realised that she was feeling sad or upset about things and this was how she coped with that feeling. It took awhile but with our children, the patterns may be telling us something that their words are not.

Again, the stress as a parent is on keeping the communication open and really listening to your child by re3flecting on their words or feelings by restating his/her words to get a sense of what has caused the feeling.

For more on this listen in on Island Parent Radio on Sunday April 15th at 9 am (PST) on Village 900 (AM) or www.village900.com.

Next time I will be talking about the relation between parent types and bullying that I referred to the other day.

Parenting Types

2007-04-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back I was attending a lunch meeting in which the speaker was talking about types of people that we sell to. It reminded me of the Myers-Briggs questionaire that determines your personality type. These ideas about personality types are very helpful when we are dealing with other people whether in a sales relationship, business relationship or family relationship. What is the person like? How do they respond to information? What are their particular needs in whatever the relationship?

This week on the radio show Allison and I discussed John Gottman's 4 types of parents with respect to dealing with emotion with our children. Again this type of information can be useful in understanding how we deal with certain situations surrounding emotions and feelings. (And we don't always deal with feelings and emotions very well due in part to our own upbringing.)

The four categories that Gottman laid out were as follows: The Dismissive Parent, The Disapproving Parent, The Laissez-Faire Parent and The Emotion Coach. Not sure if these can be categorized in a continuum or quadrant format but the main point is that we as parents should be aiming at being emotion coaches for our children.

The Dismissive Parent is basically the parent who dismisses the child's feelings as not important. They do not empathize with the child or assist in understanding what the feeling is and what causes it. This leads to the child being confused about her/his feelings and learning to mask or hide them.

The Disapproving Parent goes a bit farther than merely dismissing the feelings as irrelevant but actually makes the child feel bad about having the feelings at all.

Both of these parents may use words such as “Get over it!” or “Buck up, be a man.”

Sometimes as parents, especially if we are not comfortable with our own feelings, we slide into one of these parent types. If the pattern is consistent then there may be trouble down the road for the child in understanding and dealing with feelings.

I will follow up with Laissez Faire Parents and The Emotion Coach in coming blogs.

Re-inventing the wheel of parenting

2007-04-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we all go through similar experiences as parents.

Was talking with another Dad today—both of us having older teens—and the conversation turned to a discussion of what our children are up to and thinking about for their futures. It's an exciting time with teens in later high school or college to see how their are starting to plan out their future.

When I look back over the years, I see how exciting times were when our children were starting to talk and walk. Their first days of school were the centre of our attention. Many playground or parking lot discussions were held about the things that were happening to our sons and daughters. Often you would hear a comment like “Oh, my son did that!” or “My daughter said the same thing.”

Sometimes comparisons were made but often times it was a reassurance that we're on the right track and that the behaviour is normal.

As young parents, there is sometimes doubt cast on our abilities to parent and that we weren't given the tools to parent. We do have the experience of having been children ourselves and if we look back to our childhood, sometimes we will see the good aspects of our parents style.

Today I reminded my friend that some of the difficulties they are experiencing with their teen is behaviours that we exhibited as teens. We may not like it but it's for some part of growing up. The lesson is to learn to listen to our children's needs and not be trying to solve their problems. To grow, we need to be challenged as people and as parents. Life is not always easy.

One of the things that I think is lacking with some parents is commonsense. It's great to seek advice and read up on things but the use of commonsense will often get you through the rough patch.

Bullies and Parenting

2007-04-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

After blogging about Barbara Coloroso's new book on bullying being connected to genocide, I heard on the news today about a recent study at UBC on the relationship between parenting and bullying. In a nutshell the study reported that there is a corelation between parents who control their children and their children either becoming easy targets or actually becoming bullies. I suspect the reason for the two opposing outcomes lies partially with the temperament of the child.

I suspect that bullying must have some underlying roots to the upbringing of the child who is both a bully and in some senses a target of bullies. It is definitely complicated but when we look at what goes on at home and out in the playground there may certainly be some comparisons to be made. I'll try to track down the study as having heard a snippet does not do it justice.

Thoughts on bullying

2007-04-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend there was an piece in the Globe & Mail's Focus section entitled School Tyrants Unchecked by Judith Timson. The article was talking about Barbara Coloroso's newest book “Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of Genocide” and how her premise is that bullying (the topic of one of her other books) can lead to genocide.

This seems to quite a leap of ideas but certainly one to think about. I, often, as a teacher, thought of bullying as being an issue of self-esteem and power. That the bully was trying to show off his/her superiority but in reality was masking a sort of inferiority complex—an issue of self-esteem. Some experts, Ms. Timson interviewed or quoted, talk of genocide as being anb issue of one group being afraid of another group. The Rwanda genocides come to mind as the inspiration for Coloroso's ideas and book.

Barbara feels that the act of genocide is the extreme of bullying. She also talks of the youth factor in genocide. Recently I saw the film “Un Dimanche in Kigali” which was centered around the time of the Rwandan genocide and in it there were a great many youth involved in this horrific time. I see where Ms. Coloroso is heading although I haven't read her book. She talks about the “bully circle”—the instigators, the targets and the bystanders—and how if we can change the dynamic of these three components the bullying can and will stop. She contends that to change the reactions of the bystanders to be better resisters will aid in deterring the bullying behaviour. She stretches the point to say that if in the bigger world, bystanders become better resisters and stand up to the tyrants, genocide can be stopped.

One thing that I can see is that we do need, in a civilized society, need to talk about the issues and teach our children to be more human and compassionate. It all starts at home with our support as parents and our understanding of our children's needs. The youth component in genocide reflects the ideas that were expressed in recent blogs that youth need to be accepted and taking more control of their lives. They gravitate to the “gang” mentality when they are frustrated by the adult roadblocks and controls of their risk-taking,

A Dad's Thoughts on Gratitude

2007-04-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

I love listening to other dad's and what they are thinking about their kids and their relationships. This month in Island Parent, our Dadspeak columnist is Alan Poole. I have known Alan for a few years now, partly through Island Parent Radio as a guest and partly through his position at Camosun College where he deals with the Sports Events and Athletes (my son being one).

This month Alan writes about two fathers and their perspectives on fatherhood. Then he goes on to say that the difference between the two can be attributed to their outlook on learning and being open. Finally he asks the reader to reflect daily on 5 things that they are grateful about for a month and then reflect on it. There's a challenge for us all. (Alan doesn't restrict the thoughts to family or relationships but whatever you feel grateful about.)

Well here goes but I am going to reflect on things related to family relationships.

1) I am grateful that our son bought a Wii recently (an interactive nintendo game) and it is in the family room. Not something I'd be grateful about but it has over the past week brought us together as a family in playing some fun interactive games. By being together we can also share thoughts about our day etc.

2) My two children are presently exploring ideas about next year and what they may be doing with their lives. With our daughter the ideas change almost daily while our son has come to a conclusion that he needs to move on to another city for University. I am grateful that they are feeling that they need to experience some new challenges in their lives and sharing their thoughts with us.

3) Island Parent has truly brought me into contact with many wonderful people. I am grateful for the people I work with but also the people I deal with on a regular basis—readers, advertisers, business associates. I enjoy my work day and it is really because of the contact I have with some great people.

4) I am grateful for the support of my wife over the years. Without that support and openness to new directions, we would not be where we are. Too often we are held back by the “what if's” of life. I certainly would be still in school administration and not enjoying my second, third or fourth career.

5) I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been presented with over the years and the support of many in the path I have chosen. It is fun to think of what would have happened if one had taken a different path not with regret but with the curiousity of the unknown destination. Reminds me of Robert Frost's poem “The Road Not Taken”.

How-To-Books on Parenting and ....Life

2007-04-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I love to pick up the latest book “How-To-Book”. Whether it's on parenting, business or management, self-help, whatever...well, I don't tend to pick up those concerned with building, gardening, maintenance and repairs.

Anyways, I find that I do not adopt what the author is saying as the only way to go on the topic. I'm bit skeptical of the only one way approach to life but I usually find helpful information in various approaches and adopt what I feel is right for me in my particular situation. When I was reading Michael Ungar's book, he certainly mentioned that there are differing styles of parenting and—my interpretation here—depending upon the situation, the child's temperament, the parent's mood, etc., we deal with things in ways that feel good (or sometimes unfortunately not so good).

Brings me back to self-help books. I truly believe that you can pick up some worthwhile ideas on parenting or other life lessons without the need to go over the top. It seems that like New Year's Resolutions, people, will go all out with a particular method of behaving for a short period of time and then lapse into old habits. Well, I'm not sure about the old habits. I do find that by trying out differing behaviours you have changed your repertoire of reactions and hopefully have learned some new ways.

Often by just looking at a situation from a different framework, you will see new solutions to old problems. Whether you have gained a new insight from a self-help book or by listening more closely to your child or partner or hearing a speaker lecture on some topic, you take away from it a new and fresh perspective.

When dealing with a child or teen today, see if you can change the way you react. Think of other angles to look at the problem. In fact, perhaps, let them solve the problem.

As found in Michael Ungar's book (see previous blogs) Try Something Different. It may surprise you that it works too or even better than what you were going to do.

Maybe even pick up a self-help book and scan it for some ideas.

Risk-taking & Responsibility-seeking

2007-04-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

I recommend you get your hands on a copy of Dr. Ungar's book TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD (published by McLelland & Stewart). Lots of great thoughts and inspirations for parents of any teen or pre-teen.

Yesterday I was in a meeting and the discussion turned to our teens. I had just mentioned our daughter had come back from Costa Rica with the travel bug. She then spoke of her 18 year-old who is travelling in Australia with three friends. Here we are looking at young adults embarking on their life journey as adults, taking on the world and trying out new and different experiences. One of the interesting comments from the mother was how her daughter talks or writes about the incredible people she is meeting. The experience of meeting new and different people in a differnet country. This girl had not travelled a great deal and felt that a country like Australia (same language) would be easier to navigate as their are some health concerns (which had held her back in the past). Now she's ready to “conquer” Europe.

As our children grow and mature, we may be a little saddened to see them leave the nest but happy to see that they have the confidence to go out into the world and explore it on their terms. We parents need to give our children a little rope and freedom from an earlier age to let them meet the challenges that await them.

(Our interview with Dr. Michael Ungar on Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com)

Risky Behaviours (continued)

2007-04-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

The conversations we as parents have with teens (and children) need to be respectful and enlightening. Dr. Ungar, in our radio interview, writes in his book that we need to change our language to show our care and genuine curiousity.

How many times have you asked your teen (sometimes pre-teen) a question about their day and received a grunt for a reply. The one word answers to our questions, certainly do not really count as a two-way conversation. But we adults often try the closed question like “How was your day?” to receive the obligatory one word answer of a grunt.

To be genuinely curious is to elicit answers that give our children the opportunity for our teens to let us know, in a non-threatening way, what they are doing and thinking. Michael talks in his book suggests that if we are to have new perspectives about our children we need to use new language.

Five points he makes are:

1) Don't tell, share. Share information about an adult's life experience.
2) Not knowing is a good place to start. Being genuinely curious as I mentioned above shows a sincere interest in what he/she likes/dislikes, feels and thinks.
3) Favour choice over advice. Giving children/youth choices will win over advice any time.
4) Share from the heart. Let the teen know what experiences you had and what you felt about them.
5) Being there, now and forever. I feel that lots of parents seem to give up on their teens because their teens seem to not want them in their lives. It is more that the teen wants the parent in their life just not the controlling parent.

(Our interview with Dr. Michael Ungar on Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com)

Risky Behaviours

2007-04-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

We had the opportunity to have a lengthy radio interview with Michael Ungar, author of TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive. It is a great read for parents of teens and pre-teens. Lots of food for thought.

What I really took away from it was the desire to look at my and other teens in a different way. To try to understand their risky behaviours, to be curious about why they are seeking responsibility, to talk to them about their view of the world and their place in it.

Four powerful messages that Michael talks about as being important and coveted by children and teens are the chance to hear:

• You belong
• You're trustworthy
• You're responsible
• You're capable

Dr. Ungar in his practice of working with teens, finds that these four messages seem to be standard in teens who are experimenting in high risk and dangerous behaviours as well as many teens that we encounter in our schools and recreation centres, etc.

Teens who end up in gang-type situations are seeking a sense of belonging, being trusted by others, having some responsibility and control over their lives and seen as capable. They are seeking approval from others. If they are not achieving this with their family or in their school, they will turn to outside groups to achieve these goals of risk-taking or responsibilty-seeking.

We, as adults, may not approve of their choice but if we look at it from this perspective it makes sense. What Dr. Ungar proposes is that for the teens in our lives who are experimenting with high risk and potentially detrimental behaviours, we must help them find more suitable endeavours and outlets for their desire for risk or responsibility seeking.

With younger children, we will see examples of their desire to seek some physical and emotional challenges. Again we need to help encourage their exploring and not squelch them at every turn with overprotective comments such as “wait until you're older”. We need to assist them with incremental challenges which give them a sense of achievement and overcoming a challenge. Talk to them about the challenge confronting them and how we can assist them. The roadblocks—the NO's—we throw up only make this type of child want it more.

Parents need to listen to and understand what their child or teen is seeking. We need to give them some positive responses to their requests for some risk-taking. It's all about growth and maturing. Our job is to help them along and support them in ways that make sense to them and us.

(Island Parent Radio airs on Village 900 Tuesday April 3 at 7 pm PST/ repeated Sunday April 8th at 9 am PST or at http://www.village900.com))

Kids and Responsibility

2007-03-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned we interviewed Dr. Michael Ungar about his book Too Safe For Their Own Good: How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive.

Before I get blog our interview and the interesting points he made, I want to touch base on this same topic but with respect to younger children.

As children grow older they are trying to make sense of their world and take on become more adept at physical activities as well as mental tasks. We are all striving to learn and overcome the challenges set up for us. If we as parents set up roadblocks by being overprotective then our children would not be walking or speaking. We need to encourage this growth in order for them to mature and grow.

Why is it that we are so overprotective. At the playground we should be encouraging the climbing behaviour. We can be somewhat fearful of the heights but we need to change our responses from one of fear to one that is more encouraging and asking if they feel comfortable with what they are doing. Risks as Dr. Ungar stated are about perception of danger, not the danger itself. Sometimes children have no fear and that is where we step in to instruct them and work with them but not to stop them unless the safety issue is paramount.

The risks out in the world are not really that bad. For our children to be more street smart they need to experience being on the street. We coddle them by driving them everywhere, partly it's convenience but the other part is our over riding concern for safety. We need to walk with them around the downtown areas of town or city, talk with them about the life of the downtown, talk about traffic and some of the dangers, etc. etc.

From the young child to the teen they need to experience and learn from life's experiences. How will they grow to be independent productive citizens if they have not made some mistakes and hopefully learned from them.

Too often we are coddling our children, stepping in and solving their problems and then wonder why they are taking greater risks in the teen years. More on this next time.

They're growing up!

2007-03-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Where did the time go? Now I have a 20 yr old and an 18 yr old. It seems like just yesterday that they were in elementary school and needing us a little more than they do now.

The other day we had a radio interview with Dr. Michael Ungar who has written a book about teens with a penchant for risk-taking or responsibility-seeking. I'll elaborate on our interview in a future blog but first I'd like to put down some thoughts of our children maturing and growing up.

Our daughter just arrived home from a school trip to Costa Rica. Quite well organized and not a lot of risks from the travel end of things but certainly from growing up with a few personal challenges. My wife and I thought that she, after two weeks away, would be ready to be home. Well no her first words to me was how she could have stayed for a longer period. Yes, she was happy to see us but she expressed that the trip taught her that she can do this without the homesickness.

As she finishes up her high school years, she is now looking further afield—to travel and explore the world. Her experiences in the past weeks being billeted with a Costa Rican family gave her a mature insight into another culture. Although she had some “touristy type” experiences she felt that she gained so much from not staying at hotels and doing tourist things. This was another one of those turning points to being an independent young woman.

During the past couple of weeks, while my daughter was away, our son has come to the conclusion that he needs to move away for his academic and sports pursuits. He has realised that what he wants in life is not necessarily here (at this point in time).

I often hear parents saying that it is cheaper to go to college or university in town. Why go away? I spent my undergraduate years away from home. It was a good experience for me. I had to take on the responsibilty of looking after my needs. Too often today, we are taking that opportunity away from our children. We must find ways to allow them to take on life away from us. Yes, we are there to support them but on their terms.

This all leads into my blog on our discussion with Michael Ungar in the next day or so.

A glimpse of parenting

2007-03-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was driving to work, I caught sight of a father and son sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. It was one of those glimpses into parenting that warms the heart. Not sure what they were doing but they were hunched close together over a book and the connection of father and son was truly evident.

Often, I am reminded that our quality times with our children are often unplanned and not necessarily of a lengthy duration. However they are meaningful and sometimes even memorable.

Last week on my son's 20th birthday, he and I went out for dinner to celebrate. (His mother and sister were both out of the country on Spring Break.) It is not often that we get to spend a great deal of time together—school, girl friend, differing schedules—but we had planned this dinner together. Although the experience of the dinner was only for an hour or so, we were relaxed and were talking about what his thoughts are for the future. Not a lot of dialogue but certainly meaningful. Looking across the table at him I felt how he has matured into a delightful young man and a flood of memories of enjoyable times spent with him through the years.

Enjoy those moments at whatever age your child is, they are precious.

Conflict in relationships

2007-03-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

I was interested to hear Dr. Marty Klein talk about conflict being crucial for intimacy. When I think about intimacy, it is about risk-taking, getting to know the other person in difficult circumstances. Letting people in on the “secrets” of your life.

Conflict then is about disagreeing with another and with a partner it may be some fundamental disagreement which is at the core of the person. Sharing an intimate thought that one feels may break up or at least strain the relationship.

Dr. Klein suggests that when you are in conflict with a loved one, you are in it as partners not adversaries. You are seeking to find a solution—a negotiated settlement. So the conflict has “rules” ways of dealing with it. Allison often refers to dealing with conflict with one rule that both sides don't “gunnysack”. This essentially means not getting off track and reminding the other person of their behaviour 2 months ago. Stay focussed on the issue—don't divert from it.

The goal of conflict should be to collect information that generates some solution to the problem. If as a couple or parent/child conflict you treat the other as an opponent, it is harder to deal with the other when a resolution is formulated. If you have been “name-calling” or using accusatory tones, the conflict escalates.

Try to understand what the other is thinking and feeling AND try to let them know your thoughts or feelings. Generally in a close relationship, you are probably just miscommunicating.

Agreement in any relationship

2007-03-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Continuing with reflections and thoughts that I came away with from Dr. Marty Klein's keynote talk at the Canadian Men's Health Conference this week.

So much of the quality of our relationship with others is based upon communication. I believe that the quality of the relationship is directly related to the quality of the communication (i.e. a poor relationship with another individual can be equated to poor communication).

One of the many points that Dr. Klein made was the importance of clear agreements between people. Whether you are dealing with a spouse, your child, a business associate or colleague, it is important that agreements between people are clearly understood by all parties. Within a family (partner to partner or parent to child) it is important to understand that the agreement between the persons involved is owned by both (all) parties. Agreements are not one-sided. Dr. Klein in his humourous style stressed that an agreement must not include the word “try”.

“I'll try to make it to your hockey game.” “I'll try to be home before 6 pm for dinner.” “I'll try not to get upset and yell at my kids.” To the other person the interpretation is that you are going to do what you say. For you it is mainly an attempt to do said behaviour—not a certainty. Don't agree to try. Either promise and follow through with the commitment or apologise that it is not going to happen. Both ways give the other person the bank account of trust which I've mentioned in previous blogs.

Dr. Klein also stated that we must take responsibility for broken agreements/promises. “I am sorry.” “ You are right.” Don't balme someone else. If you break an agreement you need to own up to it. Our society is too quick to blame others. Again what are we showing our children when we do not own up to our mistakes, our broken agreements.

Sometimes you need to renegotiate agreements. But both sides need to agree.

Finally and again we don't always display this quality but we must follow both the “spirit” and “letter” of the agreement. When an agreement is made it is made with an intention shown by words and acions. Follow through and commit to both the meanings.

Next time up, I'll reflect on conflict.

Sex, Love and Intimacy

2007-03-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

This was the title of a talk By Marty Klein at the first Canadian Men's Health Conference here in Victoria. Dr. Marty Klein, a terapist and marriage counsellor, was a very humourous and thoughful speaker. It provided me with a great deal to reflect upon not only in my own marriage and life but also in the relationships that surround all adults.

He started out simply by talking about each of the terms and how our interpretation of their meanings can be different from person to person. With love he talked about the importance of trust and caring. If those two ingredients are not included then does love really exist. On intimacy he spoke of taking risks—opening yourself up to another person— being somewhat vulnerable and letting the other person know you even if it's hard. With intimacy there is also the focus of a connection between two people. With sex, he said that what people are really looking for is pleasure and closeness. Although there is a connection between these three terms, they are certainly not interchangeable.

One of the tings that I took away was the importance of communication between partners. Here we go again. Relationships thrive and survive on communication. How important it is for couples to be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings about sex, love, and intimacy no matter how difficult it is at the time. Letting the other person know what you like or don't like with respect to things sexual; showing your care and concern and trust with respect to love; and becoming more intimate by opening up and even letting the other person know what you may not like about yourself.

What I found truly inspirational about his speech is how all of these thoughts on trust, caring, love and intimacy (and even sex) relates in many ways not just to our most personal relationships but our wider circle relationships with family, friends and beyond.

Next time, I'm going to reflect on some thoughts of Dr. Klein with respect to agreements.

Sibling Rivalry

2007-03-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

Well, one of my favourite topics on the radio is sibling rivalry. On this week's show also did a segment on this topic.

Parents are always trying how to figure out how to stop sibling rivalry. Well as far as I know you can't really stop it. As Allison mentioned kids are egocentric and because they are thus they don't naturally share toys or other things. And it is usually the sharing of things that starts the family feud.

As the adult we need to have a number of approaches to this family battle scene. Of course safety is our first concern but if safety is not a factor with the older siblings sometimes it is best to ignore or walk away and let them solve the problem. You may also try to listen to each child's side of the story without passing judgement and assist them in resolving the conflict. (A great opportunity to have children learn conflict resolution skills.)

One of Allison's sayings to a child that is trying to “tattle” on the sibling is: ”Tell me to get you brother/sister out of trouble. Don't tell me to get your sister/brother into trouble.” A wise word which may assist in reducing the need for you to be involved.

Lots of times, we parents just make the conflict worse by jumping in and going on about it. Often kids will move on from the situation.

The fact is siblings have conflict. Try something different next time it erupts.

(Sunday morning at 9 am Pacific time on Village 900 or http://www.village900.com)

Homework

2007-03-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

Allison and I were talking on our radio show today about a number of topics. The first part we discussed homework and how parents can support their children. (This topic has also been on the Island Parent Forum as a “What Do You Think?” topic.)

As a former teacher/administrator, my feeling is that homework is part of a child's education but should be relevant to the day's work and not given out as busy work. It does help the student learn to organize him/herself and take on the responsibility of their learning. As parents, we need to provide an appropriate place for our children to do their homework—the diningroom or kitchen table, a desk in their room, etc. With a younger child up to grade 3 or 4, we should be around to help in some ways BUT not to do the homework.

As the student grows older the responsibility for the homework clearly is their issue. It should not become the focus of a power struggle. If you, as the parent, are getting anxious or angry over homework, you need to check yourself and find out what it is that is bothering you. This is not your issue.

Don't get over-involved.

More quotes and parenting

2007-03-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I was reading the other day that healthy children have healthy parents. Now this is meaning health from the emotional point of view. Children who have good role models-good mentors- develop into productive and healthy citizens.

As parents we might want to reflect on our emotional well-being so that we can show our children the path to a happy and satisfying life pursuing their goals and dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, “Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” We need to like and love ourselves, take time for ourselves and live our lives to be truly happy and content with our life. Our children need us for support but also for what we can give them through our lives and our living life.

More Quotes for Parenting

2007-03-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

It was near the beginning of my blogging that I wrote about 5 Givens of Parenting (the first two seem to have been lost in cyberspace). Oh well, the second given that I had adapted from David Richo's book— The Five Things We Cannot Change … and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them—is that things do not always go according to plan.

Here then are two quotes that I feel are appropriate and support this contention.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell, Mythologist and educator

“Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.”
Arthur Rubenstein, Pianist

Too often we are planning our children's lives such that we miss out on glorious opportunities for the relationships to grow and the unplanned quality times to flourish. This does not mean we do not envision or plan what we would like to happen for ourselves and to some extent our children. Visualising outcomes is a very powerful tool to help us and others realise goals. It's just we should not be tied to the plan and accept what life gives us as an opportunity to further grow and develop.

Both the above quotes remind me of tourists who are behind their camcorders so much that they seem miss the whole adventure.

We as parents sometimes go overboard with our micromanagement of our children. Stop and smell the roses. Take the time to enjoy the moment—planned or unplanned.

Quotes and parenting

2007-03-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

A number of weeks ago, my wife was asked to supply her favourite quote for a woman's group she belongs to. She was at a loss to come up with one immediately. In fact she searched the internet to come up with something that was meaningful to her. As she was going through the process I too was not able to come up with one in an instant.

It did get me thinking that there are some great quotes out there—not that I can remember most or any of them—that can help us get through a difficult patch or give us some food for thought.

At work we receive many books for review in the magazine. One such book that we didn't review but is in the staff washroom and I look at almost daily is “The Little Book of Bathroom Meditations” by Michelle Heller. Packed with lots of quotable quotes that give you some pause for reflection.

As parents we often need a pause for reflection. A time to think of what's going on in our lives with our various relationships—spouse, partner, children, colleagues, strangers, etc.—and how we deal with issues confronting us.

So here are a few quotes that I've read and think are helpful in some of our daily dealings.

I often think that we as parents protect our children to the extent that they do not really learn from some experience with failure. Thomas Edison said “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Look at the positive spin on that. Often when we or our children fail (or at least do not live up to our expectations about something), we often blame others—the referee, the teacher, some other person or group—and do not look at what we've done and learn from it. It is interesting Thomas Edison (a successful inventor) is that way because he doesn't see failures but keeps on looking for the answers and uses those set backs as opportunities.

As parents, we need to show our children how to take some risks to help them grow and flourish. We must step back at times and let them “fail” and learn from the failure.

Quality Time with Children

2007-03-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

So much is said about having quality time not quantity time with children. Unfortunately, to have quality time we need a fair bit of time (i.e. quantity time). I've always found that the quality time I had with my children wasn't planned and happened when there was actually a good amount of time spent with them. This is not to say that you shouldn't plan some time but it does not always come out as you had planned.

Think of the many outings that you have experienced as a parent that turned into minor or major disasters. When I first started my blog I did talk about Five Givens of Parenting - one of them being that things do not always go according to plan. Well sometimes you can't plan quality time but you can certainly try to make time for your children and some of it will turn out to be quality time.

The other thing that is important is to have fun. Enjoy your children, laugh and play with them on their terms not yours.